Advent-- He comes toward us

 Well, friends, this is my first posting with my new computer. What a blessing! It does whatever I ask it to do! A novel idea.

 I am in the midst of doing two things as this Advent gets underway. One is our parish's annual novena for the Immaculate Conception. Simultaneously, I am reading and praying through the Total Consecration to Mary, by St. Louis de Montfort. I am so thankful, firstly, to God and the Church for providing these devotions, and to Father Check and our parish, for nurturing our devotion by promoting these practices. I know I would not have the impetus on my own steam, if not guided and given the structures to follow. 

  I am humbled and chastened daily. Something I need, but all this is done so gently and lovingly that I only come away blessed and at peace, not at all saddened or disappointed in myself. That's the way I believe, one really knows the hand of God; that whenever we become aware of a measure of our own sin, it is delivered with such a tender, encouraging hand, that we can only respond in gratitude. It is then we know we have been given the grace to change things in ourselves that, under other circumstances, we would find impossible. We know He deserves all the credit for these moments.

 In my search for joy, peace, courage, wisdom, strength, and charity, I cherish the moments that my Lord reaches through my small attempts to grow an inch in holiness and assist me by removing even the smallest of motes from my eye that I couldn't remove myself. Don't get me wrong! I need lots more than a mote removed. But I am thankful for the mote. 

I am looking forward to this Christmas, as I always am, but because of this time I got to spend in a bit of preparation, I can carry the peace and joy through to regular life, and hopefully, to others.

This is a song my husband and I are busily trying to recruit a few "extras" to do this Christmas. :) It sets just the perfect tone for getting ready for His coming. At one of our novenas, Father Kelley went into his teaching mode (which I rather like :) and taught us that the word Advent  means "He comes toward." what a beautiful image, to think of Him always moving toward us. Father explained that only in Christianity, do we have a God that comes to us. In all other religions, it is the people who seek after Him. What a blessing to know that our God is always seeking after us.

What Sweeter Music
What sweeter music can we bring
Than a carol, for to sing
The birth of this our heavenly King?
Awake the voice! Awake the string!
Dark and dull night, fly hence away,
And give the honor to this day,
That sees December turned to May.
Why does the chilling winter’s morn
Smile, like a field beset with corn?
Or smell like a meadow newly-shorn,
Thus, on the sudden? Come and see
The cause, why things thus fragrant be:
‘Tis He is born, whose quickening birth
Gives life and luster, public mirth,
To heaven, and the under-earth.
We see him come, and know him ours,
Who, with his sunshine and his showers,
Turns all the patient ground to flowers.
The darling of the world is come,
And fit it is, we find a room
To welcome him. The nobler part
Of all the house here, is the heart.
Which we will give him; and bequeath
This holly, and this ivy wreath,
To do him honour, who’s our King,
And Lord of all this revelling.
What sweeter music can we bring,
Than a carol for to sing
The birth of this our heavenly King?
Robert Herrick (1591-1674)
Send "What Sweeter Music" Ringtone to your Cell

family

I haven't been with you this week because my wonderful daughter, her husband and son came in from Michigan to spend Thanksgiving with us. We were engrossed in soaking them in and only mildly concerned about our computer problems. It has always been compromised, and chose this week to acquire yet another crippling virus that made it just barely usable, and as I type this, the whine is so loud the kids have to turn up the TV. ( we had a technician on the phone who kept just suggesting we invest in a new one, to which I replied, "what!?" )  We also have several kids that need it to do schoolwork and two entering colleges next fall, who are submitting applications and such; so my dear husband ordered us a new one!

While I await it's arrival, I will be organizing all our files and loading them off onto our external hard drive, which in itself will likely involve some struggle. But I am greatly looking forward to blogging much more! I also enjoy interacting with my fellow bloggers-something that now is a difficult process,  resulting in freezing and such,  but should become much easier.

 The other really great thing that happened this Thanksgiving,  is that all my seven kids were together for the very first time. The older six were last together in 1998, and a few occasions since, we have come close, but were always missing one. So for now I will post  a picture  from that wonderful day, and I look forward to writing and sharing with you much more in the very near future!

keep it down to a dull roar!

I am blessed to be at home today, and alone for a few hours. I am sitting here doing this because I have sixty-four  (or was it seventy eight?)  things to do before my daughter and her family arrive here Sunday for a short but much looked forward to Thanksgiving visit. Rest assured that the blog following that will be loaded with pictures.

But before that happens.........(drum roll).............I am finally going to start receiving spiritual direction again! It's been since Father Terry was still with us. Wow. And along with that, a bit of an overdue confession. (since Father Check left us, but in a different way.) Yes, I know we are not supposed to have favorites when it comes to confession, but..really now...fess up, you know we all do. It wasn't the only reason I haven't gone, but it was a pretty big part. So today I was sitting before the Blessed Sacrament, doing some preparation for the confession, and realized a couple things. One is that it has been six months since I have gone. That's the longest stretch since I have been Catholic. another is that it is significantly harder to examine a six month conscience. Oh, yes, of course I have been "keeping track", but it's the nuances that escape me after a certain period of time goes by.  That time period is pretty short. So after this, boy, every two weeks? Well at least once a month.

Something else became pretty clear, or unclear really. As I was praying and sitting quietly, the racket in my mind was just deafening! So to speak. If there could be silent decibels, these were on the hearing loss scale. If the Lord spoke to me, I sure didn't hear Him!  Think along the lines of a train passing two feet away. I am accustomed to my usual wandering mind, but this was something else. I even sat a little extra long (for me) to try and wait it out. No.








I am sure God did whatever work He wanted anyway. I have always found that if I take steps to progress in my spiritual life, I experience opposition. Hopefully, the step I am about to take will bear fruit.

                                                                             

waiting....waiting...

This is shaping up to be one of those Wait-and-See-What-Happens days. Not my favorite kinds of days. One daughter is having troubling physical symptoms, but didn't want to miss school, so I am calling around, trying to feel it out and get a game plan.Which results in waiting for doc offices to call back. Familiar with that tune?  This makes it kind of hard to do some of my routine but necessary things, like run the vacuum (something, that in a time of stress, is surprisingly soothing), go to the market, or even just focus on anything else well.

I have never been very good at waiting. I like forward motion. The Bible is all full of waiting verses--sheesh. Guess it is one of those growth producing things--what are they called? Oh yes, Virtues. Wait! hmmmmm.

Patience....Virtue.

riiiiight.










With a large dollop of trust thrown in.



Well, it did enable me to sit here and write this, and peruse the blogospere, and post to facebook, and do some laundry, and heat up one of last night's stuffed peppers for lunch...what am I complaining about? Well, it's just the worry-weight when one of the kids needs medical care, and all the figuring out what it is--hoping nothing too scary-- yada yada.

sigh.
Exhausting stuff.

Well, I may not have gained patience this time(that I can tell), but the pepper was good the next day.

ready, set, change! ... annnnnd....Again!

If you don't like change, get ready to be uncomfortable. Permanently. A lot of it is raising kids. When they are little, as soon as you get used to one routine, they grow out of it. It's sort of like a game of tennis; you lob one to them, they lob one back to you, you have to adjust a bit, lob one back, etc. Well, if childhood is tennis-like, teen and young adulthood is standing at the fast pitch machine while 100 mph balls come rocketing at you at unknown intervals. The older the child, the more monumental the things they hand you on any given day.

For example--the kids come home from school.

Kid #1.( 11 years)-"Mom, I need to have my snack money by tomorrow, and I want to go roller skating and the money has to be in tomorrow". *note-roller skating is in New Jersey, on a weekend, and our weekends are not something we associate with relaxation. I believe I designated a whole post to this subject once. 

 Kid #2. (15 years), "Mom, (puts a sheet down on the desk next to me), I have to get all this drum equipment, we are starting a tympani and concert drum class." On the list are things like tympani mallets, xylophone mallets, method book and such things. I am a little amazed that we are required to run out and drop $100+ on command. But my son is a budding percussionist and of course we will comply. Maybe a little slower than some.

Then we get to the girls entering college this fall. Kid#3 (17 years)- "Mom, I need senior dues, my senior hoodie money and when can we go visit the colleges I am applying to? (anywhere from PA to RI ). Don't forget SAT's, Saturday classes, and the Prom."

Next, Kid#4 (19 years) -"I think I will be happier if I move out and am on my own". (this one also applying to colleges and wanting to do pre med). Anybody else out there ever work their way through school? ouch. 

Kid#5 (20 years) -actually just did move out. Working three jobs. 

All this is given to you without all the intricacies of daily life and without some of the larger challenges posed to each of them and us. The bare bones alone are overwhelming.

Not only do they constantly change, but I have to also. I have to adapt to the many new situations, people and goals they lay before me. Most of the time, embracing their  goals is easy. Sometimes, I can get on board partially, and help when possible. Other times, impossible. Those times are hard. Changing the way I relate to them as young adults is not so cut and dry as you might think. You know, the whole, "well when you turn 18, it will be like so and when you turn 21, like so"...um, no. Every kid is completely different.

I would say that I have learned a lot, and in so doing, have learned that I don't actually know much.

Here are a few things I can say I know.

1. Expect surprises.

If I am too locked into doing things in a rigidly scheduled way (ha HA) I will constantly feel frustrated and even angry when the curve balls come. Sometimes the surprises are good even astoundingly so, and if I am open, I will appreciate these times more.  

2.Nothing (hardly ever anyway) is as bad as it first seems.

The initial shock of getting big news, ( an unexpected illness, a car breaking down,  a kid announcing a surprise decision, or even a positive, "so and so wants you to sing/play at their event, this weekend!" ) can knock the wind out of us. But if we stop a second and kind of take apart the nuts and bolts, and think calmly, most times we can see that we will get through it, and be okay. I have experienced God's grace at times like these, to the degree where I can almost taste it.

3.There will be nice things along the way.

 
 Even when we have to go through hard situations, God always provides some comforts to help us. A good friend to talk to, meeting new people: in the case of my brother in law's very very sad funeral, we got to see family and my husband and I stayed in a hotel room alone together for the first time since.....uh....our honeymoon weekend! (that's another story all by itself).

4.God will be a constant that we can rely on, and provide that bedrock Who is unchangeable no matter what.

When we feel the bottom dropping out, it is so good to know that God is there, seeing us and loving us in that moment. When we don't know what to do next,  it is always a good idea to ask for what we need. My stock prayer is "Lord, I need you." Can't get any simpler than that. For we Catholics, if we are unable to even pray, we can just hold our rosary beads and capitalize on all the prayers said upon them, and (in the words of a much respected priest friend) "let the rite carry you." An excellent prayer is the *Memorare.

5. Another saying I have (boy I have more sayings!), is "If something is good, it is good for everyone." 

This is helpful when we have to make tough decisions, like when a teen breaks up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. If the relationship was bad for you, it was bad for them too.  If you remove yourself from an unhealthy situation, you have basically cured Relational Cancer. Everyone has the opportunity to heal and do better. If my husband has to fire someone,( something he dreads), as long as he knows he was fair, ultimately that person will improve the things that were weak or lacking, and go on to be a better worker. If I become a better person, better Catholic, better mother, all the people in my life benefit. Even if they don't like or agree with all my actions, they benefit from my prayers and obedience. Those things ripple out into the world  and effect changes I may never know about. ( a la my previous post). Of course the opposite is true too, but I am focusing on the positive side here. Usually, upon making any challenging moves, there is a period of difficulty and discomfort while we make adjustments and get used to a new way, but also there is an underlying sense of peace that eventually settles in for good.  (quitting smoking is a good analogy).

6. God willing, we will have another go at it tomorrow.

It is rare that we have to tackle everything and solve everything instantaneously. Take the time to pray, think and talk about things with people you trust. So many times, just "sleeping on it" will lessen the pressure, and give you fresh insight  and ideas. In those instances when we do have to act quickly, at least we can try to only address immediately what truly requires it. If my daughter gets overwhelmed with the college application process, we try to figure out what needs to be done first, by when and just think about that. Looking at  it all at once just underscores how big of a task it is, and is confusing.

 Well, these are just my reflections on how change can be our friend or our enemy, and how God seems to be in the business of always challenging us. I don't think we will be through changing until the day we die, and if we can embrace that, it will be mostly fun and exciting. Except when it's not fun. And then we can offer it up.

A little note-- if you happen to remember yet another of my past posts, I talked about wanting to quit my part time job. Well, I have! It was at one of the Archdiocesan residences for homeless women. I plan to go back on a volunteer basis, and do the fun parts, without all the floor mopping. I am hoping my family will be able to perform a Christmas concert for them. Just the knowledge that I will not have to jump every time they call, or have my youngest daughter have a long face on Friday nights when I have to leave, is a huge weight off my shoulders. I plan to celebrate this Friday night by sitting on the couch, watching a movie and eating snacks.

*

Memorare

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.
Amen

choices and charity

 Did you ever stop a minute and look back over the events of your life and see the effect of a single choice that you made? How it led to chain of occurrences, and affected so much more than you ever could have forseen? I sometimes am astonished at the power a single choice has had on the world around me, rippling off into the future, taking on a life of its own. 

 One easy example is the birth of a child. If you, like I, went headstrong into the world as a young person, and did not wait until marriage to engage in sex with the boyfriend of the time, then upon becoming pregnant, had to decide how to proceed, then you know what I am talking about. So we decide, and that decision goes forward with us, whether we embrace or reject the life now created. After my first go at it, in which I chose to abort, I married and had seven children. Having learned from that the real agenda of the abortion/death proponents, and that it fostered death in my own life and those around me, I never had to actively choose if I would give birth to the rest. But in choosing to cooperate in the creation of each child,  whole new lifetimes of choice-makers are brought into the world. The ripples of effect from the abortion also followed me into the future, these being mostly negative, in the form of PTSD type symptoms, but the positive has been that I experienced God's grace and His willingness to entrust seven more souls to me, and that now I am able to enjoy all they give to me and to the world. 

  But even a seemingly smaller choice can resonate--something you say to someone, who takes that thing to heart and acts on it, positive or negative. Paying attention when someone is talking. Deciding whether to attend a daily mass, say a rosary, write a letter; they all go out from us and make their mark on the world. Do we always get to know what happens? No, but sometimes God allows us a window-we see someone we encouraged go on to pursue a certain path, or someone we discouraged with a harsh word, withdraw. 

 This reminds me of the discussion that can ensue with people who claim 

they are not puppets of any religion, or God. Who trumpet "choice" as a religion that worships whatever thought is in their heads at any given moment. Why would anyone think that choices belong to them alone? That they don't make any choice in a vacuum? God, in His wisdom allows us to live, free in every moment of our lives, to choose to live in Him and pursue holiness, or not. We know we never "arrive" at perfection but that the journey of a life relinquished to God  is the epitome of freedom. And alternately, a life dedicated to promoting separation from God (goes by the name of Pride) is really a life of shackles. The world, the flesh and ultimately, the devil are harsh taskmasters. Case in point, in observing the relationships of those who would eschew all allegiance to God, I see an angry, defensive lot that chews up and spits out its own as soon as someone doesn't toe the party line. "Wait!" I want to say--"I thought you were all about choice"? Oh--only certain choices--"who gets to decide which choices"? oh, a certain group of people--"who chooses which people"?--oh, only other people who reject God. okay. I think I get it....one who "makes all their own choices" is not entirely self driven, but rather a reaction to those who willingly submit themselves to God, and especially if they dare to share their faith with others, and claim, as Jesus said, that He is The Way, the Truth and the Life. So it is okay to follow in lockstep with some person who says that you don't need God. (Whose narrative goes something like-"who is HE anyway, to try and tell you what to do, oh and by the way--do what I tell you to do, and don't mess up, or you're out"!). Well, all I can tell you is that THAT particular drama played out in the garden, and it seems to be in theaters near you, perpetually.

 "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6 

This line of thinking then gets me to thinking about truth and charity. Many times, I hear people talking of Christian love, (charity), in kind of gloppy sounding terms, as though love=sappy words*, always agreeable words, words that would never hurt anyone's feelings, or in the terms of the day, "disrespect" them in any way. What is left then? How can you communicate truth to someone in error or (gasp) sin without ever countering the beliefs leading to their behavior? I firmly believe that to lie to someone is not to love them at all. I understand that a certain degree of relationship is needed to engage a person on that level, that is a given. With acquaintances we have to rely on our demeanor and example. So here, a demeanor that radiates God's love and peace are something to aim for. (of course, it helps to foster God's love and peace oneself before trying to import it). But there is a time for direct, truthful words. Ones that don't tiptoe around the truth. 

*what leaps to mind at the thought of sappy Christian love is the Franco Zefirelli depiction of Saint Francis, in Brother Sun, Sister Moon, a film from 1973, in which Saint Francis appears with an expression of ecstasy permanently stuck on his face.

 A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity, Proverbs 17:17

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. Proverbs 27:6

Who knows if the words spoken today will not shape someones future? Who knows if those words might even shape their eternal future? If we have the truth within us, we have a treasure that Jesus asked us to give away freely. He tells us we will be hated because of Him. Hated. Wow. Not irritated, not annoyed.

 But are we willing to go that far? Not to go around ready to bite heads off for Jesus, but to carry His love and mercy in us, and be ready in season and out of season, to give witness to him?

 ¹⁸"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. ¹⁹If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. ²⁰Remember the words I spoke to you: 'No servant is greater than his master.'^[b] If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. ²¹They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the One who sent me. ²²If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin. Now, however, they have no excuse for their sin. ²³He who hates me hates my Father as well. ²⁴If I had not done among them what no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin. But now they have seen these miracles, and yet they have hated both me and my Father. ²⁵But this is to fulfill what is written in their Law: 'They hated me without reason.'^[c]
 26"When the Counselor comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father, he will testify about me. ²⁷And you also must testify, for you have been with me from the beginning.

 John 5:18-27

hooray-I can post again! and tell you how I met my husband. or ~ providence~

Whew! it's good to be back. I had a pesky computer bug that wouldn't allow me to post to my blog all week. The nerve! But my dear husband found a fix, and Ta Da! Here I am.

 Well, while I am on the subject of the DH, I think I will tell you the story of how we met. 

You may remember that I was song leader for the charismatic prayer group during the period of my conversion. This group held a mass a couple times a year in one of the neighborhood churches--the one Bob went to, turns out. He functioned there as a sacristan at times, among many other things. Of all the things that come to mind, I will be as charitable as possible and just say that he was a great help and support to the priest that served there at that time. The prayer group masses were always on a Tuesday evening, and Bob attended a few so as to keep Father from having to come over and close up. (Father was not terribly "into" the charismatic arm of the church. -again-Understatement- but he did allow us to meet at the church, so many thanks to him). Apparently, Bob had attended a time or two when I was there functioning as cantor for the mass, and "just happened to be there" one Tuesday in February 2005, and approached me after mass to offer his services as pianist "if I was interested".All the quotations are a little elbow to the ribs to point out that he was, in fact, coming to these masses because of his interest in me, as WELL as to close up for Father. This was not apparent to me as I took his number, written on the back of a number for a crisis pregnancy center. I was kind of used to being approached by people, (okay, men), that said they played guitar (didn't I already play guitar?), who frankly, seemed a bit to odd to want to work with. Plus, I have experience with people who say that they sing or play...and then....um, no. But, Bob seemed quite genuine, didn't play the same instrument I did, and the thought of having a piano appealed to me. 
 
So on a Sunday night a couple weeks later, I dug his number out of my purse while on the way home from doing a kid pick up in Delaware. Melissa and I went back and forth about what we thought his last name was, so when I called, I just asked for Bob. Again, I wasn't aware of any other agenda than the music, so when I asked if he remembered who I was, he apparently had a moment. We decided to get together to run through some music and see how it went ( he still refers to this as his "audition") on March 3rd. Needless to say, it went well. Even on the little toy keyboard, I could tell he really did know how to play, and he was such a darn nice guy! 


And so the story goes--we had a lovely courtship, under the counsel of our favorite Augustinian priest-Father Terry-- Bob, crediting St. Augustine to his return to the Church, me, being a parishioner of Saint Monica Church--well, it all fit so nicely. We married on May 13th (first day of the appearances of our Lady at Fatima).  Our mentor and friend, Father Terry, died on October 13th. (the last of the Fatima appearances). We were his last wedding; we were told he had our wedding picture on his nightstand.

 I have been asked occasionally about our Augustinian devotion. I haven't researched the daylights out of it- but what I have learned about Saint Augustine, is that he was a thinker and a lover. To read his writings, one has to really dig in, it is not your average novelette. He is a Father and Doctor of the Church, and his writings shaped the Church's very foundations. But he was also filled to overflowing with the love of Christ, illustrated by his famous exclamation, "Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new." It was Father Terry's love that taught us more about Christ and the church than anything else. While waiting to confess, we would often hear laughter wafting out of Father Terry's station. His viewing at Villanova was attended by scores of Augustinian Friars, some of which shared funny and heartwarming memories. They were a joyful lot, all radiating that same peace and good humor we remember of Father Terry, despite all his illnesses and setbacks. So those are my thoughts on that.

 Bob and I are approaching our fifth wedding anniversary. My seven kids became his step kids and he has loved and cared for them valiantly through thick and thin. Mostly thick, I think. We love to play music, we are active in the pro life movement-with a group called Helpers of God's Precious Infants, which  incidentally, he was a member of for some years before I met him. (remember the crisis pregnancy card with his phone number?) We know that we are blessed, even through the struggles, with the many gifts the Lord had given us. We hope to continue to be faithful and grow in Him and serve Him well all the rest of our days.