so here we are

Today, I awoke to the news of Pope Benedict's plan to resign. It made for a strange day! Of course we will go on and the Church will be fine. But it's a shaker-upper, for sure. I loved him as Papa and pray we get another with his wisdom and depth.


I left off my last installment at depression and suicidality. Sorry about that.

I want to pick up a couple years later. After I tried doing things My Way.

 "what is my way?"

Really, I was going through a process, but it took me these years, and I had not found yet how not to fall into my old patterns.

What, you may ask, made the difference? I had been a Christian for some twenty-plus years, I understood the Gospel, I read my Bible, I had experienced the filling and touch of the Holy Spirit. Why was I not able to live in accordance with that? Why were my wounds and sins dictating my actions?

The single biggest factor was that I knew Jesus, but I had not been exposed to His Real Presence in the Blessed sacrament, nor had I received Him in the Eucharist. I had the knowledge, at least most of it; I had brushes with the Spirit of God, and I had received Jesus into my heart, accepted and believed. But all that was coming from me. What comes from Him, what He offers, is Himself. He adds Himself into the equation, joins to our flesh when we receive Him in communion, and MAKES IT POSSIBLE for us to have the power to overcome the world, the flesh and the devil. Up until that, it is all effort. I wrote about my conversion more here.

I was that sheep that wandered away, and I needed Him to come and find me, which He did when He brought me to Himself in the Catholic Church. He knew I loved Him and wanted to again live as His daughter, but did not know how anymore to go about it.

If you know me at all, you know I do not bash my Protestant/charismatic roots, as I was given good teaching, guidance, love and care along the way. But I also was one of the walking wounded, by the very hands that 'fed' me. Going by the Word, the leadership of the last couple churches instructed the congregations to "have nothing to do with that one" --(have nothing to do with him, that he may be ashamed.-2 Thessalonians 3:14)-- trouble is, while I was definitely doing things that were sinful, nobody seemed to recall what I, the person, had just gone through for the last 13 years (or more), and that I was the very same person that, not that long before, was considered in good standing in the church. You know, while I was being abused,  demeaned and despairing for myself and my children.  Not to say that that verse has no meaning or no truth. If it's in the Bible, it is true.

I now know I simply did not have the tools. Jesus needed to come and get me. Praise God, He did.  I hold no anger for my previous churches or friends, but I do still occasionally feel the hurt at the lost relationships, or when the sting of being ostracized pops up here and there. I resolved not to do that to people that lose their way, nor judge their hearts. Or contribute in any way to making them feel as though God doesn't want them anymore.

This is one of the problems of the independent interpretation of scripture.

But with His help, and the glorious power of His presence within me and without, He drew me. He gave me back, music, the love of all my wonderful children, who, each in their own way, gave, and continue to give love, joy, wisdom, meaning and direction to my life. I may have played a part in giving them life, but they truly have kept me alive and loving life. He gave me a wonderful husband who loves us all.

He has not 'taken away' all depression or anxiety, insecurity or all effects of my past. I offer any small suffering to Him or ask the Blessed Mother to use them for her intentions. I am glad just to be able to be with Him, and I appreciate each day He gives me.

It is simple, but not easy. If we take that one step toward Jesus, He will take us up and go with us the rest of the way. It is not easy to have trust, humility, abandon and docility. To discipline our natural laziness, forgetfulness or self interest. To let go of our own motives. I have not mastered any of these things, but I know I can always ask for what I need.

Start by asking for what you need. Do you need the gift of faith? Do you need the desire to pray? To go to mass? Ask.

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, [then] I will enter his house and dine with him, and he with me.^*

 ^{Thanks for going through my journey with me. I hope it in some small way can touch someone who deals with depression, anxiety, lack of faith, or doubt.}

^{God Bless you~}

^{Looking forward to homemade chocolate cake for Fat Tuesday and then a peaceful, fruitful Lent!}

^{God Bless you~}

^Kelly  

part two of the journey

Another link from my growing up years that paved the way for my eventual bouts with depression was my search for male attachment and my attempts to construct a "good" family. At least in the image I had.

To be clear -- I know that my parents loved me immensely and sacrificed to give me wonderful things such as music lessons, instruments, a pool in the back yard, and many other advantages lots of kids do not have, (my own for example,) so this is not a "my parents ruined my life" theme. It IS a "my parents' wounds and sins, compounded by my own wounds and sins had an effect on my life," kind of theme.

My father, whose personality I share, was reserved in the Vocal Praise and Lavish Affection department. What can I say, he was of German descent. But he was also known as the man who had the Patience of Job, and who would give the shirt off his back to help someone. Which is why he had very few shirts.  He had a very large heart as well. He just didn't wear it on his sleeve -- because again -- not a lot of shirts.

I was also my parent's only girl, born late-ish in their lives (mid-forties), so there was a generational gap between us. These factors played into a kind of uncomfortable distance relationally between he and I. I knew he loved me, but for instance, if I came downstairs ready for the prom, his reaction was usually --"yeah." It was like the grunt of approval. But I got it, and it was okay. But there was another part of me that I guess really wanted some input. I had a teacher/basketball coach in 7th grade that was a mentor and support. I think he picked up on some of the turbulence going on for me at home, through some of the things I said in class and on the court.

My mom, God rest her soul, was an alcoholic. And my eldest brother, also now deceased, was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and was also an alcoholic. This made for continual drama in the house; not the kind that is solely dramatic, but the kind that is driven by crises. Without going into any of the specific stories, my home life was punctuated by episodes of things that required calling the police.

I became extremely independent, and carried on with my life. I was loved, financially supported, but in some ways, not raised or guided. I figured out a lot of stuff myself, mainly by blundering through. That feeling of being rejected and abandoned, was intensified when my father passed away when I was 18, and my mother, when I was 23. In one sense, I was used to going it alone, and in another, was trying to create that family I craved. I had had an abortion at 18, was married and divorced, with my first child in tow, by the time I was 23.

At this point, I considered myself a Christian. I had prayed the prayer, given my life to Christ, knew, in part, right from wrong. But I lacked something. Partly, a human base of support, but in hindsight, I lacked the power to carry out the Christian life. More about that later.

 I didn't have the strength or foundation to find my way alone. I did work, but we lived in extreme poverty. The only reason we had a roof over our heads was the kindness of some good friends, and later, a landlord that did not throw us out for late or non-existent rent.

My points in sharing these things are a few:

1.  There is truth in generational sin. When parents have certain issues, for instance, alcoholism, that go unaddressed, the children receive the consequences. If there is coldness or distance, the children develop ways to fill the void, or deficiencies in forming healthy relationships. This can seem obvious, but things such as this can be passed down until someone breaks the pattern.

2. I was truly unconscious of how I was striving to make up for what I lacked. I remember telling someone along the way that I was definitely NOT that girl that sought male attention because of a lack of fatherly affection. Ugh, I did not want to be part of the predictable statistics. But that I was, in that way and others. I often deeply felt I was in the wrong life, and was even told that by the occasional teacher or employer.


 Finally, while mired in a destructive marriage that lasted 13 years, I began to fall into a depression. I didn't realize that yet, though there were others that recognized it. When the marriage came to it's end, I had been so indoctrinated by the anger and control problems (the unaddressed sins and wounds of my ex), that I was brought to the lowest point I had yet known. I believe I even was exposed to demonic activity. I could post about that aspect alone, but for now, suffice it to say, I was vulnerable and asea in the wake of those years. In my blindness, I grasped still, for human help and love. I made the single biggest mistake of my life (that's saying something. considering all I had already made), by allowing my kids to be split up between my ex and myself. So much evil and pain resulted as the sin and wounds spread now to my kids. I went fully into depression and had periods of being suicidal.


Here are a few pictures of me in high school.

snowed under in July and a birthday party

Here are some pictures from a fun thing, my son Ben's 17th birthday.

This was the Birthday Hat, and the Birthday Shirt. Rachael made the shirt. It has some significance to a show and video game. We went with  video game as the theme. The hat was just because. One year he wore a clown tie. It hung in the coat closet pictured, and for a long time it stuck out the side, giving the impression we had a clown trapped in our closet.

So happy Dan could make it. We all miss him!
He gave Ben a new drum throne, a really nice one with a tractor style seat. His old one had broken and he was using an old kitchen chair.

Here he is opening it.

 the old style Nintendo controller cake. The Cake Boss can rest easy.

 So this was what they mostly did. You know, just to keep with the theme. We had about fifteen or so people. It was a nice day, I think Ben had fun.






It took me pretty much a full week to recover from the prep and carrying out of this, though. Sometimes I wonder why I am so easily worn out. Other times, I am pretty sure it is a stress reaction. For me, they come way after the event(s). Sort of a chickens-coming-home-to-roost effect. I can function pretty well in the moment of a crisis, and be fairly clear headed. But later, all the residual exhaustion gangs up, hunts me down, and ambushes me when I least expect it. Yes, I have a lot on my mind presently, ( I won't list it out here, I might scare myself)  but it seems it is all I can do to get through the day, and that sometimes, just barely.

Guess it is time to regroup. Again. I want to go back to daily mass. Now that I am not in school, I hope to be able to. Getting up early, once something I did easily and enjoyed, is now difficult and far from enjoyable. Some combo of stress, middle age and all its accompanying changes, and my old cross, depression are OUT TO GET ME. Oh and maybe a touch of paranoia. Haha.

Nothing God can't handle. Praying He will soon do just that!

7 quick takes Friday #2

One

I never thought I would say this, but when is Lent getting here? I actually do know the date, it just is SO late this year, everything feels off somehow. I keep thinking it's time to go to Dunkin Donuts.

Two

 Today we find out if Rachael is accepted at her first choice in colleges. Moore College of Art. I took her yesterday for a portfolio review and I can tell you from the sounds that were coming from behind the door, that I am sure she will get a yes. Now, if they offer her a nice fat scholarship, (which was hinted at already), we will be in business! One down--one to go. Melissa has set her sights on Villanova~ please keep that in your prayers!

Three

 Ah, the joys of mid-life! Anybody else feel like we already did the  adolescent thing once, do we REALLY have to do it over? Breakouts, mood swings, weight issues, along with the classics, sweating and sleep disturbances. Yay. But I really can't complain. I kind of like this stage of life. There is a weird freedom in aging, and kind of being released from the youth cult. Now whatever I do, even if it is a beauty regimen, I don't expect a lot. Really, it's my insides that need most of the work, and I have kept my favorite saints and blesseds, etc... busy working on that.

Four

Valentines Day! We don't get too excited about it, but this Sunday, we will be going to a dinner at Cafe Con Chocolate, where two of my daughters work/have worked. There will be live entertainment, consisting of Corrie's boyfriend, Justin, and a friend of his which we now consider ours, Dimitri Kauriga. Should be a lovely evening! Excellent food, awesome music and good friends.

Five 

Still wrangling with that depression devil, petered out with my exercise, (no thanks to the Sick), and still dismayed at the state of the world and some parts of the Church. But even with all that, I can say I feel the abiding presence of the Lord, and have a much greater degree of peace. Thankfully, He has not decided that this will be a Dark Night of the Soul-ish time for me, and I gratefully accept His consolations!  Many heartfelt thanks to all who are keeping me and my family in your prayers. I would ask that you not stop just yet. :)

Six

As we go through some of the seasons in our family life, many of the kids are reaching young adulthood, as well as other various stages in life, it can be tough to really trust God. I mean, knowing what I know about the world, and the growing up process (of which all I can really say is "ouch!") I find myself turning to the Divine Mercy prayer. When I get to the part in which I say, "Jesus, I trust in You,"  I have in the back of my mind--do I? I guess if I was going to get technical, I would say, "Jesus, I want to trust in You." Sort of like, "I believe, help my unbelief." Because I know my faith is weak, but I want to get better. (Lord, this is not a request for Faith Boot Camp.) In any case, I will keep saying, "Jesus, I trust in You," with the hopes it will sink in.

Seven 

My husband has been attending a group called The King's Men. 

 It has been a wonderful experience and faith support for him, and I highly recommend it to any man. Kudos, King's Men!

I pray that you all have a blessed, peace filled weekend!

Kelly

7 quick takes

1. Thankfully and happily made it to 6:30 mass this AM. So far this is the first year I have been able to keep up with my First Fridays. Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us! Three more...I have only once ever made it through a whole novena...consecutively, anyways.







2. Wading, wading through the financial aid sea of forms. Two applying for college, one for next year's Catholic school.

 I am hoping to be past all this soon. Seems to be a February thing--like taxes, for us.


3.The news is all so completely unsettling. Even the weather. Poor Australia! Us too, but not nearly as catastrophic. Plus, let's not forget Egypt, Fr. E...can't spell it, but you know, health care, Planned Parenthood, "Dr." Gosnell....on and on. Lent=TV, OFF.



4.Speaking of Lent, it is going to be Fasting from Facebook, too. (gee, that sounds like a book...) The only media left will be you all! That will either be really good, or...ah, let's not think on that too hard. I guess I will still email too. Perhaps aside from not gorging, I am not planning on doing any really huge dietary thing. Just try to maintain what I have going already. How about you? what do you do--or plan to do this year?

5. Still kind of overwhelmed and fighting the depression devil. Prayers accepted. Just a lot of things hitting fans and irons in fires and whatever other cliche for overwhelmed people.


6. This is usually the time of year I get the cleaning and doing house projects bug. Still waiting. I think some other bug beat it out.


7. Scriptures I am leaning on-

 Matthew 14:22-33

 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd.  After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone,  and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it  Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake.  When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.  “Come,” he said.Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!^" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.  Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” 

and-

Heb 12:1-4 Brothers and sisters: Since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith. For the sake of the joy that lay before him Jesus endured the cross, despising its shame, and has taken his seat at the right of the throne of God. Consider how he endured such opposition from sinners, in order that you may not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood.  

offering our sufferings to God

While sitting at adoration this morning, besides all the other things that go rocketing around in my mind, I was contemplating the practice of offering our sufferings, mixed with thoughts of those who suffer from depression that often arrive with the winter weather and the Christmas season.

I am no expert when it comes to explaining the theology of offering our sufferings. One good way I think about it is from St.Therese of Lisieux, The Little Flower;

"I prefer the monotony of obscure sacrifice to all ecstasies. To pick up a pin for love can convert a soul." These are the words of Theresa of the Child Jesus, a Carmelite nun called the "Little Flower," who lived a cloistered life of obscurity in the convent of Lisieux, France. [In French-speaking areas, she is known as Thérèse of Lisieux.] And her preference for hidden sacrifice did indeed convert souls. Few saints of God are more popular than this young nun. Her autobiography, The Story of a Soul, is read and loved throughout the world. Thérèse Martin entered the convent at the age of 15 and died in 1897 at the age of 24.

When I am suffering, even in the smallest way, such as a pang of concern for one of my children (this happens roughly every seventeen minutes throughout the day), when I remember, I offer it to the Lord, Even if I have been part of the problem. Or if I encounter people that make me feel angry or agitated, or if I have to do something I don't like or feel like doing. All my sins and failings are somehow spiritual currency to the Lord. They can be offered for someone or some prayer request, or just for reparation for sin. what God does with all this, I don't know!  Of course, "big" sufferings, like sickness, pain and any event or trauma can and should be offered,too, but I am mainly thinking about the routine things. 

Depression is such a sneaky entity. It will circle around for a while, looking for a place to take root. If I have a certain worry, or a pet peeve that I allow to fester a little too much, I will start to notice myself feeling tired a lot, losing motivation for things I normally like to do, or even getting sick more frequently. I will have bouts of anxiety or angry outbursts. Essentially, what is happening is that I am not trusting God that where my life is, is entirely in His hands. If I am able to offer the stresses, the worries, the pain and fears to Him as they happen, not only does He make good use of them, but I am relieved of the burden and am reminded that He sees me and knows what is going on. Which is a huge comfort!

I know that Saints like the Little Flower, lived in such a way that she could ask to suffer and not want any consolations. (comforts from God). I am not there! I just ask for the ability to handle any suffering I must go through gracefully and to remember to lean on Him. I have often remarked to my husband that raising children is God's way of giving us built in penance. They help us shave off a little Purgatory. Of course they bring tons of joy, too, but the process of growing up is just naturally stressful. Especially at the latter teen years. It reminds me of the culmination of a long labor; how right before the birth there is the most pain, but the shortest, too.

I also want to encourage anyone who may be suffering with depression, to try and do these few things. They really do help. They should be done regularly. Commit to some schedule and stick to it.

1. Get up every day and go out of the house. Even if it is just for a short walk. The fresh air, the exercise, and the changing of your surroundings do wonders. Look around and absorb the world. Thank God for the beauty of the sky, for the fact that you are healthy enough to walk around, anything that comes to mind.

The key to helping yourself is getting out of your head, and focusing outward. If you can go to daily mass, that is the perfect thing to schedule each day. Adoration is even better. Pray, give your concerns to Him, and then, at least for that day, let it go. The late Elizabeth Elliot once said, to actually lift your hands to Him, full of your burdens, and imagine Him taking them. Even if you only envision it in your mind, it can be helpful.

2. Do something for someone else. Many times, we who suffer from depression, look for help from others quite a lot. It is the nature of the beast. But it is so good to remember that there are those less fortunate than ourselves and that to meet someone else's need helps free us from our own little box. The more we look outward and especially upward, the less we obsess about ourselves.

I am happy to say that my struggle with depression is almost completely in the past. But I do have to say almost, because depression can be a learned reaction to life's slings and arrows, so I still have to be vigilant. Plus, if you are one of those, as I am , who are on the sensitive side, you know it is both a blessing and a curse. But God has brought me this far, and I know He will not abandon me, nor will He, you.

Now here is one of today's small blessings. 

 

 

He or she has taken up residence among the bikes on our porch and the scrap lumber on the neighbor's porch. It is a bit of shelter, that I HAD planned to remove to the basement soon. Now of course I will feel badly. But I think the neighbor is putting out the lumber little by little each week in the trash. So I guess they will be moving on. As adorable as they are, I will not miss the mess they are leaving all over my porch.

Saint Lucy, pray for us!

 

salvation history part four- -from then till now

The aftermath of the abortion, though it never really is completely over with, is definitely a part of my conversion story. Why, you ask? Well, go get a cup of coffee, or tea if you prefer; or if it is late, perhaps some warm milk, or if it is chilly, some hot cocoa....oh, right. The story.


The many twists and turns, missteps and outright disastrous choices that followed are too numerous and convoluted to spell out here.  I know this because I tried last night- I had it almost all written out, and got so bogged down I left it for this morning. Rereading it with a cup of coffee (yes, it made all the difference), my somewhat fresher mind saw right away that the point was lost. So I tell you now, that; 1. I wanted to escape the place in which I put myself by having the abortion. I fled repeatedly--fled the places, the people, and jumped into relationships I thought would start me fresh, so I could remake my life into what I wanted and thought it should be; and,  2. The only problem was --me. I couldn't seem to see the danger signs soon enough and would then be caught in difficult, even dangerous situations that I would then try to make work.

 I believe now that I was fearful of not ever having that family base I so desperately wanted. Ever since the abortion, I saw myself differently. Gone was any sense I ever had of being a person of worth, who could know with any certainty that someone else of worth would want to make his life with me. That experience, of being rejected and then rejecting the life within me, had somehow gotten inside me, like a tapeworm, and eaten up any healthy self image I may have had. So whenever anyone would show any interest in me at all, I would just set my mind to that relationship becoming "the one". I got myself into heaps of trouble with that theory.

Over those years, though, my Christian faith grew. I came to know and love the Lord, and have an intimate relationship with Him. The churches went from Mennonite (a charismatic version), to several non-denom's, (also charismatic).  The piece that was missing was the ability to have the strength to confront some of my more foundational demons and overcome them. Even during my longer (13 year) second marriage, I couldn't stand up to the abuses for fear of compounding my past failures. I also now had six kids. After that marriage literally imploded, I went through a real crisis of faith and became truly, clinically depressed. I spent  a few years floundering for real. I did not attend any church, was ashamed to even pray.  I knew I was living a life in opposition to God, but lacked the courage and strength to confront it. During this time I had my seventh child. Even when I wasn't living right, I knew better than to get another abortion. At least that lesson sunk in!  I got some treatment for my depression which helped a little. But somebody must have been praying for me because one day--and this is literal--a light bulb just went on. I saw the situation I was in for the dead end it was, and suddenly just had the fortitude and resolve to confront it and move on, damn the consequences. There was so much cancer in myself and my kids that had been allowed to fester over that time-about four to five years-that really we all are still healing, but it was a new beginning.

That decision brought me to the area I now live. I started going to a charismatic Catholic prayer group and became their song leader--even before I became Catholic! Which then led me to attend Mass. Of course I couldn't resist getting into one last bad relationship--which I did and paid heavily--but as far as God went, I felt a grounding I had not ever known in all my years of knowing Him.  I joined RCIA and converted in 2002.

What was the difference? I recognized the Lord in the Eucharist.Long before I was able to receive Him, I drew His love and strength just from being in His presence. After all those years of charismatic worship, I recognized the Holy Spirit when I saw Him! Another gift from the Church was that I was allowed to attend and absorb the presence of the Lord, and hear the Church's teaching without being micromanaged, as some of the other churches had done. (Sister, do you have sin in your life? Well, yes, I still did, as a matter of fact). But the Church gave me the time to work things through with God, to get to know my Lord on a new and deeper level. He gave me the strength and tools I needed  to finally overcome all the stumbling blocks that I couldn't conquer myself, especially once I could receive Him.  After submitting myself to the annulment process for my past two marriages (this I can also talk about with anyone wanting to know--it was a long, arduous process, but also a very uplifting one), I married a Catholic man and we now fight this good fight together. We play music for masses and do pro life work as well as giving our lives to the kids and each other. And yes we are still fighting our own battles with the world, the flesh, and the devil, which will continue until we die. God never gives up on our growth, so we are continually challenged and stretched. Thanks be to God that we have, in the Church, everything we need for life and godliness. ( His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 2 Peter 1:3)

I have gained the foundation and the stability I so desperately sought. The difference is; even with what good teaching I did receive over my years as an Evangelical, I lacked the power to make it stick. Now I am able to fight the good fight; face the demons, (some that I helped along in the past); do what I can to rectify things for my children, which sometimes is to pray, sometimes to work and pray. I have green scapulars for all of them, plus the boyfriends. To convert so far are: Melissa, Meghann (who married a fantastic fellow who happened to be Catholic and Kaden is baptized), and Adam, (Melissa's boyfriend). Rachael attend masses and often sings with us. Ben attends mass, Malaika is being raised Catholic; and Justin, Corrie's boyfriend, is also Catholic. I still pray the green scapular prayer for all of them, for  continuing strength, protection, and growth in their faith.



If there is one thing I can say I now know with certainty, it is that God can be trusted. This trust does include  "faith-work" on our part, but not arm twisting kind of work, but rather,  a prayer- and- living kind of work. The kind of work that is an overflow of the love  and joy that He imparts.