Tuesday, September 13, 2011

the battefront of the mind

This week has been a bit rough at my house. We are not yet settled into the kids school days routines, my own online school starts Monday. My daughter Corrie had another seizure at work, and my daughter Melissa is suffering. Her fiance suddenly called it quits, with no warning and apparently, little or no remorse. She is a college student, just getting settled in herself,or trying to. She has fought and overcome so much in her life already. One of my prayers for her is that God blesses her richly someday with a husband that loves her for exactly who she is.

Also, I have had some light bulb moments get past the noise in my brain. God is so impressive. When He wants to tell me something, He makes sure I get it. So much better than Fed Ex. But they're not bad.

Last evening, I drove out to pick up Melissa at her school. Her father also went to school there, and, at the time I met him, still lived near the campus. Whenever I would drive there, I remembered the directions by saying the name of the streets, in the order I took them. Yesterday, driving that route again, I saw them go by, and said to myself the names, the way I used to---High---Price.
Lesson learned.

Also, several days ago, while commenting on a friend's blog, I was telling about the time I was hospitalized for a  four month long headache. While writing, another one of those little lights popped on. Ah, the lessons taught by my friend, Hindsight.

During that time, I was; 1.a new convert; 2.In the process of extricating myself from yet another bad relationship; 3. Meeting resistance from said relationship-ee, resulting in being harassed and stalked at every turn; and 4; scraping to make a living for the three kids under my roof at the time, two in schools that required tuition. I will spare you the gory details. Cause they are. Gory.

The headache varied in intensity, but never went away. It was affecting my ability to work. After many doctor appointments, tests, and trials of medications, I saw the main doc of the headache clinic at Jefferson Hospital, a Russian woman, (and quite fabulous). She said I was suffering from a headache "cycle." That, basically, I was having the headache because I had the headache for so long. And that what I needed was to go into the hospital for three days, where I would be administered a cocktail of IV drugs that would "break the cycle." Again, I'll spare you the ins and outs, except to say that it didn't work right away, but within a few days, I felt a lot better, and though I did and do get headaches, it has never gotten that bad again. That is the human part of the story.

Here are my impressions of the supernatural part.

I was mired in a way of thinking for most of my adult life up to that point, and it was holding me back from being able to mature in my faith. The internal script-loop went something like this:

"I am tired and sad." (this was my depression mantra, not surprising, right?)

"I am not allowed to be happy."

" I got myself into this situation (enter the bad situation of the day here), so I am stuck with it."

"I need to stay with my current choice of a man and prove to God and the world I can have a stable relationship and life." (never mind the fact that God gave me plenty of warning about how I made my choices, and let me know He was never invited to that particular party. Oh, I thought I had asked Him, but it was the kind of asking your kid does when they're already halfway out the door, coat on, friends waiting outside, "It's okay if I go out, right?" _not that my kids ever do that_)
* (I must qualify a teeny bit here and say I am not advocating everyone to abandon their marriages. All but one of the relationships I am referring to here were not the married kind. And the one that was, was 1.invalid, and 2. abusive)

There were other premises I worked around, but that gives you the idea. My point is, all that talk was occurring in my mind. In my head. My head was the battlefield .My thoughts were being held hostage, and God, seeing as how I converted and all, now had His proverbial foot in the door. So He went to work. It was kind of a labor and birth. The headache part was the pushing. (Gar, those poor newborns!) I think God was saying, "okay, I am intervening here, and taking back the territory of your mind (and heart) so you can finally move past this destructive pattern. And to top it all off, I am going to bring your future husband into the picture. Cause, girl, you can't do it yourself!" And He did. Somehow, once I addressed the headaches, the bad life-stuff started to unravel and get worked out. I still had plenty of work to do, but the results were starting to show.
*(another note. If you have not read the part of my conversion story in which I explain the power of the Eucharistic Lord,you can find it--here. Wow, I refer to that post a lot.)

Do I ever still think wrongly? Yes. But the difference is, I see it quicker that I used to, because it seems so out of place now. Do I still need lots and lots of work? Yes. Lots. But Praise God, it doesn't seem to involve headaches.But please do pray for my dear friend Joyce over at The Little Way. She suffers with monstrous ones.

Blessings and Peace



  1. Extra prayers from here for your daughters.

    I admire your strength and your fortitude, Kelly.
    Many people would've cultivated a bitter attitude toward life, but you seem to be a joyful person. My hat's off to you.

  2. You're so kind to solicit more help for my headaches. It's much appreciated. Well, there is a lot here to think about. First, please know that you and your family are always in my prayers. I can't always keep the names straight ( I always want to call Corrie Rachael, and vice versa, don't know why) but I trust the Lord can. I think there is nothing more difficult than watching someone else break your child's heart and realize there is nothing you can do about it. One of two things will happen. She'll eventually forget about him, though it will take time, or he will realize what an idiot he's been and decide he made a mistake. Either way, she'll be stronger for it in the long-run.

    As for your revelations, or rather, God's revelations to you, it's a marvel of our religion that we think we should continue to suffer because it's what God wants when, in fact, nothing is further from the truth. He may us want us to extract our lessons, but I don't believe His plan is for any of us to wallow in misery the rest of our lives.

    It's never easy, nor is it impossible. Hang in there, friend. I've said it before but I'll say it again - you are a wonderful mom.

  3. I never heard of a headache cycle. Is that really a medical term? Strange, but it worked! Sorry to hear about Melissa. It's really hard being that age. Actually I not sure how old she is, but it's hard being a young person these days. There is so much stress put on them. Hope she feels better.

  4. Manny--I don't know if it's a term all to itself, or just a description of what was happening with me. But the doc seemed to have encountered it before. So I guess it was a "thing." Melissa is 20,and a junior at college. But she is living away for the first time.

    Joyce-I know, I get them mixed up all the time. I know you are always so faithful in prayer for us. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. I don't think Melissa should ever go back to him, for reasons I can't enumerate here. I believe she will recover, though, it's just hard to see her in so much pain, again.

    Julie--thank you! Whatever I have, it's all been a gift from God. In the midst of sadness and suffering, His Joy is my strength. :)