on cognitive dissonance

That's the fancy name for living in a way that is in conflict with your conscience.

It's like a permanent stone in your shoe, or a feeling that something is always just, well, off.

Some who live in a way that is not in alignment with our deepest beliefs experience depression, anxiety, and even physical ailments. I remember having this conversation with myself at different points in my life:

Me #1:

"I wish I knew why I am feeling this overwhelming sadness and having all these frightening, negative and critical thoughts"

Me #2:

"But you do know!"

Me #1:

"Do not!"

Me #2:

"Do so!"

(after several repeats)

Me #2:

"Look, there are these several things that you are doing that you know you really don't feel good about, and they are actually hurting you, spiritually, emotionally and physically." 

Me #1:

"But to stop any of it would mean major changes. It's too scary! I don't know what my life would be like! What if I will be lonely, or lose my friends?"

Me #2:

"It's true that there is an element of the unknown, but who's to say it would be a negative change? Maybe good things will happen. One thing is true, that at least you will be free of the burden that is eating you up on the inside!" 

Me #1:

 "Maybe I am just like this. Maybe I should just accept the way things are now. I can rearrange the furniture and put a new coat of paint. Maybe then I will feel better about everything. 

Me#2:

"That's pretty much what you have been doing, How's that working out?" 

Me#1:

"Okay, I know. I guess I really have known. Maybe it is harder to try to keep the plates all spinning than to hope for some peace. Maybe I will do one thing and see how that goes."

Me #2:

"Yup. And you will find that if you do the first thing, the next one will be easier."

I'm sure you have heard the saying, "Better to face the devil you know than the devil you don't."
Perhaps this is one rationalization we have for staying stuck in patterns in life that are holding us back. I would say that if the "devil we know" is the thing we are finding comfort in and the "devil we don't" is the thing we are afraid of on the other side of change, then, friends, the only devil is the real one who is whispering in your ear that you just can't do it.

For my part, changing my life was not something I did on my own. All I did was humbly admit that my own tactics of never confronting my fears or challenging my methods was definitely NOT WORKING. I knew deep down all along, that God was calling me to follow and trust Him, and all my efforts to do it _my way_ were only amounting to sadness and harm. I had several light bulb moments that pretty much woke me up to the fact that I had to do SOMETHING and soon.

The biggest thing I did was to simply allow God in. I considered what He had to say to me, and asked His help. For me, the turning point was the hardest part. Overcoming the fear was like the drop of oil that got the gears in motion. It wasn't all kittens and picnic lunches from there, but the huge relief that ensued from gradually resolving the cognitive dissonance was like being able to breathe again. It was one step at a time, and frankly, still is.

Cognitive dissonance, in the language of the Church, is simply conviction of sin. And it is a huge grace, not a negative, shaming thing at all. The only shame is in refusing His love and grace.

I think living the Christian life is one long, continual conversion, as we allow Him to conform us to His life for us. It is resolving cognitive dissonance one sliver at a time, towards ultimate peace. The Church provides the vehicle for us to ride upon, partaking of Christ in the Eucharist and the other sacraments that help care for us in this life, and assist us to the next.

It is a great gift and grace, to be able to lay our heads on our pillow at night, and be able to sleep in peace and security. We know that we are not perfect, but that we are on the road with Him, going where He leads, and not flailing around on our own.

I would ask your continued prayers for my family and for me.

Peace, 

Kelly

7 quick thankful that we're almost there takes

1. I am really ready for the Easter season. I know Lent is always the same number of days, but this year it has seemed particularly long. I am thankful that tomorrow is Palm Sunday. Either I am doing Lent really right, because I am weary, or really wrong, because. I am weary.

2. Thankful for family. Last night, I attended my Uncle Cliff's 90th birthday party. He is the last living sibling from my father's family. He looks fantastic! I will add in a picture or two, once they get posted. About 140 were there to celebrate! And that was limiting it to his kids, nieces, nephews and their kids. Yikes, there are a lot of Biehls. And the world is better for it. Rachael went with me, as Bob could not get off work, so she had a nice dose of that branch of her family. Her quote of the evening, "Wow, I have never seen so many people that look like you." (meaning me). And that was a high compliment, given what a good looking bunch they are.  It can take effort to stay in touch with extended family, but it is so worth it. As I get older, I realize this more and more. I had a lovely time talking with my cousins.

3. I am thankful for the weather change, and days like today. The ability to start hanging out my wash, and that my hyacinths (above) bloomed and smell wonderful.


4. I am thankful for the fun of planning nice things, like Easter dinner, what to plant in my garden and front planter, trips I want to make this summer, the Chicago Piano competition trip (soon!) and even the cleaning for Holy week, and the wonderful smell of the new hyacinths we will put inside.

5. Very thankful and grateful for my 11 year anniversary of being Catholic.

6. Thankful for every day I am given to live on this earth, and the grace and mercy of God, who gives me another chance to love and serve Him each day.

7. Of course, thankful to God for loving us so much that He sent His Son to live on this earth and die for us.

day out with my some of my best friends

 Today, Rachael, Malaika and I went to pick up Corrie from a friend's home in Southern Chester County, (where I lived from about 1990-1996 ish), and it being such a beautiful day, we stretched it out a bit and also went by our old house and then over to see Melissa's new apartment in West Chester. Ben was there already, visiting with her, and we all went to have pizza together, Adam very generously picking up the check. (Just to give all the props, Rachael paid for drinks and the car wash). All the kids are so generous that way.

Chester County, Pennsylvania has some truly beautiful and often historic, idyllic sights. It was great to breathe some fresh air, and visit with some lovely people. We also got to visit some lovely kitties! Ones that need homes. I fell in love with this little guy (I think, guy).

 yes, that is a tan shirt. please.

I  mean c'mon! Who could resist that face? But he is too young to leave his momma, so the point is moot for a minute.

I had the thought during this day, and many others, that I am so incredibly blessed to really enjoy the company of my kids. I know many parents don't. I know I didn't as a kid. Don't get me wrong, there was plenty of love, and it was expressed in various ways, but there was not the kind of closeness that I enjoy with my own.

I attribute it to many things, the topmost being the grace of God. I have written about some of our struggles, and it has not been because of any moral fortitude on my part or any of ours, but that He reached in and brought, is bringing, us along our separate and intertwined journeys home to Him.

My own life, before and after my conversion, is markedly different, yet I am completely still Kelly, just with some of the sin and disorder sorted out. Our lives from 2002 took an uphill turn, of course not straight uphill. But not many people can withstand a straight uphill climb anyways. We need the twists, turns and switchbacks, along with the rest stops to get used to the altitude.

I also have to recognize the blessings that came with our difficulties. The poverty made us thankful for what we have now.  The emotional morasses we plowed/are plowing through made us humble and empathetic to others.

 I remarked to Rachael how I have lost friends for 1. the turbulent years, or 2. from recovering from the turbulent years. Some didn't like that it happened at all, and some liked me better broken, I guess. But the kids have been through it all with me and had front row seating. Perspective is everything.

I have also come to see, to the degree I am able, that parenting is a process. (duh, right?) That to take a snapshot on any given day and react to just that snapshot, causes stress and sometimes, division, within a family. To remember my own long and arduous process of growing up helps a lot, seeing how God led and  protected me. I am not saying we don't parent our children at all, just that it is unhelpful to demand the end product be realized in a day. 

Anyways! All that. And then this.

                                                                                                   * mountain pass photo credit:                                                                http://ontoplanbthen.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/road.jpg    

the battefront of the mind

This week has been a bit rough at my house. We are not yet settled into the kids school days routines, my own online school starts Monday. My daughter Corrie had another seizure at work, and my daughter Melissa is suffering. Her fiance suddenly called it quits, with no warning and apparently, little or no remorse. She is a college student, just getting settled in herself,or trying to. She has fought and overcome so much in her life already. One of my prayers for her is that God blesses her richly someday with a husband that loves her for exactly who she is.




Also, I have had some light bulb moments get past the noise in my brain. God is so impressive. When He wants to tell me something, He makes sure I get it. So much better than Fed Ex. But they're not bad.

Last evening, I drove out to pick up Melissa at her school. Her father also went to school there, and, at the time I met him, still lived near the campus. Whenever I would drive there, I remembered the directions by saying the name of the streets, in the order I took them. Yesterday, driving that route again, I saw them go by, and said to myself the names, the way I used to---High---Price.
Lesson learned.

Also, several days ago, while commenting on a friend's blog, I was telling about the time I was hospitalized for a  four month long headache. While writing, another one of those little lights popped on. Ah, the lessons taught by my friend, Hindsight.

During that time, I was; 1.a new convert; 2.In the process of extricating myself from yet another bad relationship; 3. Meeting resistance from said relationship-ee, resulting in being harassed and stalked at every turn; and 4; scraping to make a living for the three kids under my roof at the time, two in schools that required tuition. I will spare you the gory details. Cause they are. Gory.

The headache varied in intensity, but never went away. It was affecting my ability to work. After many doctor appointments, tests, and trials of medications, I saw the main doc of the headache clinic at Jefferson Hospital, a Russian woman, (and quite fabulous). She said I was suffering from a headache "cycle." That, basically, I was having the headache because I had the headache for so long. And that what I needed was to go into the hospital for three days, where I would be administered a cocktail of IV drugs that would "break the cycle." Again, I'll spare you the ins and outs, except to say that it didn't work right away, but within a few days, I felt a lot better, and though I did and do get headaches, it has never gotten that bad again. That is the human part of the story.

Here are my impressions of the supernatural part.

I was mired in a way of thinking for most of my adult life up to that point, and it was holding me back from being able to mature in my faith. The internal script-loop went something like this:

"I am tired and sad." (this was my depression mantra, not surprising, right?)

"I am not allowed to be happy."

" I got myself into this situation (enter the bad situation of the day here), so I am stuck with it."

"I need to stay with my current choice of a man and prove to God and the world I can have a stable relationship and life." (never mind the fact that God gave me plenty of warning about how I made my choices, and let me know He was never invited to that particular party. Oh, I thought I had asked Him, but it was the kind of asking your kid does when they're already halfway out the door, coat on, friends waiting outside, "It's okay if I go out, right?" _not that my kids ever do that_)
* (I must qualify a teeny bit here and say I am not advocating everyone to abandon their marriages. All but one of the relationships I am referring to here were not the married kind. And the one that was, was 1.invalid, and 2. abusive)

There were other premises I worked around, but that gives you the idea. My point is, all that talk was occurring in my mind. In my head. My head was the battlefield .My thoughts were being held hostage, and God, seeing as how I converted and all, now had His proverbial foot in the door. So He went to work. It was kind of a labor and birth. The headache part was the pushing. (Gar, those poor newborns!) I think God was saying, "okay, I am intervening here, and taking back the territory of your mind (and heart) so you can finally move past this destructive pattern. And to top it all off, I am going to bring your future husband into the picture. Cause, girl, you can't do it yourself!" And He did. Somehow, once I addressed the headaches, the bad life-stuff started to unravel and get worked out. I still had plenty of work to do, but the results were starting to show.
*(another note. If you have not read the part of my conversion story in which I explain the power of the Eucharistic Lord,you can find it--here. Wow, I refer to that post a lot.)

Do I ever still think wrongly? Yes. But the difference is, I see it quicker that I used to, because it seems so out of place now. Do I still need lots and lots of work? Yes. Lots. But Praise God, it doesn't seem to involve headaches.But please do pray for my dear friend Joyce over at The Little Way. She suffers with monstrous ones.

Blessings and Peace

Kelly

salvation history part one

I have had another dear friend suggest I write about my conversion and how I met my husband. My organizational side likes to go chronologically.

I believe conversions begin way before the actual event. Maybe from birth. I won't do that to you, but I will give you some points along the way.

I was raised Presbyterian. It was a nice church, nice people, very good music and choir. I will always remember Theodore Kloos, the choir director. But in other ways, the church was a largely social experience. The teaching from the pulpit I remember as being light on Jesus and what He did for us, and heavy on , uh...? not sure. My first taste of Catholicism was there. We said the Apostles Creed. The part, "I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church"... was explained to us that it didn't mean we were Catholic. I forget now what the rest of the explanation was.

In High School, I began to search for God and a place or group that would help me encounter Him. How I was to recognize Him, I wasn't sure. So, I went to a Quaker Meeting. "Meeting" is a funny term, because I never met anybody. We never spoke to one another. It was a silent gathering, and people would stand up and say things...I forget now what. Funny-either I have a particularly bad memory, or the sermons/talks in the two churches were particularly forgettable. But I stayed with it for some months, and in retrospect, I am sure God was leading me and speaking to me throughout. I just didn't know it.

Later in High School, I was asked to sing at a fledgling American Baptist church in a gymnasium of a local Elementary school. They were just starting out in our area and were grateful for music. But I latched on to the teaching, especially the parts about having a personal relationship with God. One Sunday, I said the sinner's prayer, and later joined the church. On my 18th birthday, I was baptized. Since I was singing and playing there, my mother and brother Jerry also came to hear me. They both ended up joining the church also. I am grateful that this happened, as they each passed away a few years later, and they died knowing Christ.

Interestingly, I had a few experiences that illustrate that there actually was a struggle going on for my soul. These are just the ones I know about.

During my "searching period", I had to read the book, The Stranger, by Albert Camus. This book, I felt, didn't have much I wanted to write about. If memory serves, it is about a man in jail, despairing of everything in life, and planning his suicide. I put off writing it until the last possible night, then finally decided to just get something on paper. As I was writing, I realized I was going in the direction of agreement with the premise, and although I knew I didn't agree, felt I just needed to finish the darn paper. Afterward I went to bed. I then had a dream about presenting the paper to my teacher. In the dream, I took her by the hand and led her from room to room, in a starkly white house; each room representing each point I made in my paper. Well, the "points" got uglier and uglier, until the final one, in which I opened a door to show her a bloody, hanging corpse. Against the whiteness of everything in the house, this scene stood out in extreme contrast, and at this point, I woke up.

The first thing I noticed, aside from being scared to death, was that I was laying face down, diagonally across my bed. The covers were all over the place, the room was really hot, and...I felt as though someone was in the room watching me. I knew I was going to have to eventually move, so I said some sort of prayer, got up and ran downstairs. As I stood in the familiar dining room, hearing my fathers snores, I then felt foolish. I'm not sure how long it took, but I did go back up to my room, and took a look at it. It still was blazingly hot, so I went over to the space heater and noticed it had been turned all the way up! I knew I had not done that. I straightened out all the sheets and blankets that were all jumbled about, and decided to turn on my radio to help me calm down. When I did, all that came out was static. The dial had been turned all the way to the end, and I knew I had been listening to it right before bed and had just shut it off. I put it back to the station, lay down and went to sleep. Next thing I knew, I woke up and it was late! I always had my alarm set for 6AM, and it was something like 8:00. So I ran around getting ready, but stopped a minute to see why my alarm hadn't gone off. It had been shut off completely. Something else I never did.

After I had a chance to think about this, I came to two conclusions. On the practical, physical level, I believe that I was truly disturbed about having written this paper. In my dream, as I attempted to justify all my points, I think that as I was walking from room to room, explaining it to my teacher, I was actually walking around my room, doing things like, turning the radio dial, turning the heater dial, and turning off my alarm clock. But the other thing, the feeling of the presence in the room, I now believe was some evil force, or demon, or whatever, exerting it's influence over a person searching for God. Since my mind and heart at that time were very open, I think I was vulnerable. At least whatever teaching I did have up to that point gave me a foundation enough to know evil from good. And I sure felt the presence of evil that night. Of course I know now that I also had a guardian angel keeping me safe on my journey.


Oh and after going through all that, I only got a B on the paper.


I will continue my story next time, there was another attempted intervention on my quest for God.---so stay tuned!---lol.

Blessings and Peace,
Kelly