the 3 quickest takes ever

Because I should be doing something else.




1. My absence from blogging was mainly because of a mini health crisis. I had symptoms x,y and z, which pointed potentially to roughly 137 ailments, some of which were serious. So I had several tests, a couple that were unpleasant. I came away with a few thoughts.

           a. Increased respect and a small understanding for those that go through this stuff much more than I do, and who don't always get good news or good outcomes. It's a whole other world, that of sickness and pain. It opens wider the eyes of faith, and so many of the things I spend time and energy worrying about become kind of ridiculous.
       
           b. Just how much our bodies are linked with our emotions. When you carry stress around like a backpack full of bricks, eventually, you'll notice the weight. Or, say, if you keep ingesting something that you know is bad for you and tell yourself it is gone now because it's out of sight, guess what? It's going to come out somewhere, somehow, whether you want it to or not! The same with stress. You can only take in and harbor so much, until it starts exiting your body, whether it be in headaches, stomach ailments, anxiety attacks, you name it.

         c. Along with the stressful uncertainly about what might be percolating in my abdomen, there was a lovely peace and assurance that whatever the outcome, I had the support of my family and my Lord. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit, which also increased my appreciation of everyone and everything around me. My garden, the birds singing in the mornings, the ability to get comfortable when I lay down at night. Good stuff.


        d. The long and short of it is that 1. All the tests ruled out the scary stuff.
                                                      and  2. Still have some of the symptoms, but am taking a break to forget about it all for a while. My own gut, pardon the pun, tells me it is probably along the lines of IBS (yay, another difficult to nail down thing) and was exacerbated by stress. Workin on that part.

2. Happy and proud to be an American. Just thought I would throw that out there. Hoping the future generations come to appreciate all that we have and what it means to be free.

3. The Duggar debacle. I have read so very many posts excoriating them and of course Christians in general for "causing" what happened with their son and the girls. Sigh. So many people in the "I would never" club. Listen. There is NO sin out of bounds for anyone. It is only God's grace that keeps us at every moment. Now, because I say that, am I defending anyone or anything they did? Because that's where it always jumps. NO. All I am saying is, unless you are actually inside their shoes, you don't know why-- anything. Their being Christian, conservative, in TV, whatever. I don't know their motives. All I can do is pray for them. So, please, jump down off your bandwagon in case it goes into a ditch.

That's all I have time for today. Hope to be back again before my summer road trip!

Peace, 

Kelly

weathering our storms

This was our corner of the sky the day after Irene went through. It actually was quite a beautiful day. Very breezy/windy and very comfortable temps. Some, who were impacted with flooding were probably not able to enjoy such things. The street and neighborhood where I grew up had terrible flooding, in some cases, roof high. My condolences and prayers for them, and everyone struggling with Irene's aftermath.

 I am glad that storms do pass, eventually. All kinds.


I spent last Friday at Melissa's college, helping her get the last of her things moved in, attending orientation, and doing some of the obligatory line-waiting and the moving around of funds.

On my way home, it being Friday AND pre-Irene, there was lots of traffic. At one point it was at a standstill. Right in front of this house.
 This is the house the kids and I last lived in, up until 1998, when my 13 year marriage breathed its last. Five of my seven are from that marriage.

It was not boarded up then, or as overgrown, but it never was in great shape, as it was slated to be torn down, even when we lived there. It's kind of fitting that it has the dreaded "condemned" sign out front. That marriage was in trouble from the start, and hung by a thread for many years. Some awful times were had in this house, for me and for the kids. I experience much regret when I look at that place where some things went on that I should have put a stop to long before September 1998. For me, it was a mixture of hanging onto my vows and putting my faith in God; and having the boiled frog syndrome. You know--put him in the water and turn the heat up so slowly that he doesn't realize he's being cooked till it's too late. I knew things were bad, but I was so indoctrinated to the way things were in our house, I didn't really grasp how bad for a long time. Plus, I just wanted everything to get better.  I wrote about this time a little in the post entitled  Salvation History Part Four, from then till now.
 
 Sitting in front of the house, I felt compelled to call my eldest daughter Meghann. She lived through what may have been some of her toughest years here. I was looking at the front porch, recalling some vivid memories of my children in their much younger years, and some tougher ones too; when just to add to the strangeness of it all, Meghann (who was simultaneously caught in a traffic jam in Michigan), witnessed the immediate aftermath of a horrible accident in which she got a close up view of a driver slumped over his steering wheel, and by appearances, possibly dead. There were no rescue vehicles around, no people there,  just this poor man, alone, and possibly dying alone. She had her little boy with her, so she couldn't stop herself. We hung up and she tearfully called 911. She was able to see the rescue vehicles arriving since she was moving so slowly in traffic herself, so that was some comfort, but we both prayed for the poor man. (She later was able to find out that he is still alive, though in critical condition).

That's really what our life was when we lived in that house. A car wreck. And many of us were dealt life threatening blows. They just didn't show yet. Some of our family walked right up to deaths door in a very real way. Thank God that we all, in our own ways, are still recovering. If you think about us, please say a prayer. Some are still in the trenches.

But there is that blue sky, clouds being blown apart by the fresh wind. The Holy Spirit is often referred to as the "breath of God."  So, wherever we are right now,  we are all under that sky that He created, and His breath is upon us. The storm really can actually be in past tense. There can be a new chapter, fresh air and a fresh, clean outlook. Even though our memories can't be erased, we can put the car in drive and move on. The windows are boarded, and the place eventually will be razed.

 Here is my house now. I bought this african violet when it was in bad shape and just kept feeding, watering and pulling off the dead leaves. This is the first time it has bloomed in a couple years. The little glass Blessed Mother keeps watch over all the goings on in our kitchen.  She is a bit chipped from some rough times, too.

Blessings and Peace to all my dear readers. In Him we can weather all our storms. 

+JMJ+

The School of the Holy Spirit

picture source: http://www.myshutterspace.com/photo/photo/show?id=1177697%3APhoto%3A167517

For God, each person is absolutely unique. Holiness is not the realization of a given model of perfection that is identical for everyone. It is the emergence of an absolutely unique reality that God alone knows, and that he alone brings to fruition. No individual knows what his own holiness consists of. Holiness is only revealed to us by degrees, as we journey on, and it is often something very different from what we imagine, so much so that the greatest obstacle on the path to holiness may be to cling too closely to the image we have of our own perfection.
— In the School of the Holy Spirit, p.18 Fr.Jacques Philippe


This is kind of a relief to hear. It is difficult not to always look upon our life in the light of comparison. To other people, the saints, Jesus Himself (WWJD?), and even our own ideas of ourselves and how holiness should look on us. I wonder how many times I have totally missed the helping hand God offered, because I was toiling away at something I thought I needed to do, sweat on my brow and trembling with effort. If I just was listening for Him, for all I know He was right there, saying, hey! Here I am! I want to give you some grace! Yoo hoo! But because I had my head down, singularly focused on my own efforts, I missed Him.



Moreover, one small act of obedience to God can sometimes cause us to make more progress spiritually than years of effort according to our own plans. Fidelity to small graces draws down bigger ones.
—In the School of the Holy Spirit, p.59


When I read this, I think of something that happened to me about 26 years ago. It is something I can look back on and practically see the big ole hand of God coming down, Monty Python-like, in a certain moment of my life.

I was living in a very sparse apartment in Manayunk (a section of Philadelphia), next to a pizza shop. (*note-If you like rodents busting into your house whenever they feel like it, some the size of cats, live next to a pizza shop in the city). Anyway, it was just me and my four year old daughter. We were really quite poor. In lieu of a table, I put up an ironing board to set things on. We ate a lot of beans and bread. Before you feel too sorry, know that I brought much of it on by my own foolishness. But there we were. I had been singing at night, mostly at hotel lounges, but was starting to suspect it wasn't something God wanted of me. So, I quit. I also suspected that becoming a welfare mom was not something God wanted of me. (No offense to anyone receiving welfare, I have gotten plenty of help over the years). But it did beg the question; now what? I realized I had not actually asked Him that exact question. I thought perhaps now would be a good time to do so. Here is how it went.

Me: God, why do I keep getting involved in these bad situations with men that are not good for me?

God: Because you don't ask for My help, input or even My opinion.

Me: (after recovering from the mild heart attack at having my question answered)
So, um, now what? I'm kind of in a bind here. No job, no money, not much food. How do we get on the road to something better?

God: silence

Me. Uh oh, I knew I was pushing my luck with that multiple question, question. Oh well. I guess I'll put on the radio.

On comes a show I liked on Christian radio, called "Curious about Christ", it was a minister and his wife, and they spoke about all things Christian, but in a warm and friendly way. During the show, a commercial played for Merry Maids, and gave a number to call for employment---a little light bulb came on-and I thought, mayyybe I should call...so I did. Who answered the phone, but the same minister from the radio show. Whoa.

Now this was the beginning of a string of things that happened in the space of about two weeks. One things was that 1. I did get the job; 2. there was a daycare right around the corner from it that was a Montessouri school, and who had a sliding payment scale based on your salary; 3. There was going to be a period of about two weeks before it all got started, (I forget why now) and was wondering how we were going to eat. One day, I was out somewhere, and got home to find a couple of bags in the entryway, full of food, and even a Candyland game for Meghann and I to play while we waited for our Better Life to start. Turns out a friend from a church I attended just felt that she should do this. hmmm.

You know of course I took many many wrong turns in life even after that, but I always remembered that exact moment when I chose to let God in, so He could straighten up the mess I was making.

Father Corapi has a way of saying this that I always appreciate. Loosely quoted, it went something like, If you need something, ask for it! Say you are afraid to go to confession; ask for the grace to not be afraid. Say you have a certain sin with which you struggle. Ask for the grace to stop. And if necessary, ask for the grace to WANT to stop. Just keep backing up until you get to the point where you are. That's where God can be found, anyway. Right at that place.


I was overwhelmed in a situation that I couldn't see my way out of. God reached in and led me through in steps. If I had know just how many steps lay ahead, and how difficult some of them would be, I may have faltered. He is faithful, though, if we just keep asking.

Come Holy Spirit

salvation history part four- -from then till now

The aftermath of the abortion, though it never really is completely over with, is definitely a part of my conversion story. Why, you ask? Well, go get a cup of coffee, or tea if you prefer; or if it is late, perhaps some warm milk, or if it is chilly, some hot cocoa....oh, right. The story.


The many twists and turns, missteps and outright disastrous choices that followed are too numerous and convoluted to spell out here.  I know this because I tried last night- I had it almost all written out, and got so bogged down I left it for this morning. Rereading it with a cup of coffee (yes, it made all the difference), my somewhat fresher mind saw right away that the point was lost. So I tell you now, that; 1. I wanted to escape the place in which I put myself by having the abortion. I fled repeatedly--fled the places, the people, and jumped into relationships I thought would start me fresh, so I could remake my life into what I wanted and thought it should be; and,  2. The only problem was --me. I couldn't seem to see the danger signs soon enough and would then be caught in difficult, even dangerous situations that I would then try to make work.

 I believe now that I was fearful of not ever having that family base I so desperately wanted. Ever since the abortion, I saw myself differently. Gone was any sense I ever had of being a person of worth, who could know with any certainty that someone else of worth would want to make his life with me. That experience, of being rejected and then rejecting the life within me, had somehow gotten inside me, like a tapeworm, and eaten up any healthy self image I may have had. So whenever anyone would show any interest in me at all, I would just set my mind to that relationship becoming "the one". I got myself into heaps of trouble with that theory.

Over those years, though, my Christian faith grew. I came to know and love the Lord, and have an intimate relationship with Him. The churches went from Mennonite (a charismatic version), to several non-denom's, (also charismatic).  The piece that was missing was the ability to have the strength to confront some of my more foundational demons and overcome them. Even during my longer (13 year) second marriage, I couldn't stand up to the abuses for fear of compounding my past failures. I also now had six kids. After that marriage literally imploded, I went through a real crisis of faith and became truly, clinically depressed. I spent  a few years floundering for real. I did not attend any church, was ashamed to even pray.  I knew I was living a life in opposition to God, but lacked the courage and strength to confront it. During this time I had my seventh child. Even when I wasn't living right, I knew better than to get another abortion. At least that lesson sunk in!  I got some treatment for my depression which helped a little. But somebody must have been praying for me because one day--and this is literal--a light bulb just went on. I saw the situation I was in for the dead end it was, and suddenly just had the fortitude and resolve to confront it and move on, damn the consequences. There was so much cancer in myself and my kids that had been allowed to fester over that time-about four to five years-that really we all are still healing, but it was a new beginning.

That decision brought me to the area I now live. I started going to a charismatic Catholic prayer group and became their song leader--even before I became Catholic! Which then led me to attend Mass. Of course I couldn't resist getting into one last bad relationship--which I did and paid heavily--but as far as God went, I felt a grounding I had not ever known in all my years of knowing Him.  I joined RCIA and converted in 2002.

What was the difference? I recognized the Lord in the Eucharist.Long before I was able to receive Him, I drew His love and strength just from being in His presence. After all those years of charismatic worship, I recognized the Holy Spirit when I saw Him! Another gift from the Church was that I was allowed to attend and absorb the presence of the Lord, and hear the Church's teaching without being micromanaged, as some of the other churches had done. (Sister, do you have sin in your life? Well, yes, I still did, as a matter of fact). But the Church gave me the time to work things through with God, to get to know my Lord on a new and deeper level. He gave me the strength and tools I needed  to finally overcome all the stumbling blocks that I couldn't conquer myself, especially once I could receive Him.  After submitting myself to the annulment process for my past two marriages (this I can also talk about with anyone wanting to know--it was a long, arduous process, but also a very uplifting one), I married a Catholic man and we now fight this good fight together. We play music for masses and do pro life work as well as giving our lives to the kids and each other. And yes we are still fighting our own battles with the world, the flesh, and the devil, which will continue until we die. God never gives up on our growth, so we are continually challenged and stretched. Thanks be to God that we have, in the Church, everything we need for life and godliness. ( His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 2 Peter 1:3)

I have gained the foundation and the stability I so desperately sought. The difference is; even with what good teaching I did receive over my years as an Evangelical, I lacked the power to make it stick. Now I am able to fight the good fight; face the demons, (some that I helped along in the past); do what I can to rectify things for my children, which sometimes is to pray, sometimes to work and pray. I have green scapulars for all of them, plus the boyfriends. To convert so far are: Melissa, Meghann (who married a fantastic fellow who happened to be Catholic and Kaden is baptized), and Adam, (Melissa's boyfriend). Rachael attend masses and often sings with us. Ben attends mass, Malaika is being raised Catholic; and Justin, Corrie's boyfriend, is also Catholic. I still pray the green scapular prayer for all of them, for  continuing strength, protection, and growth in their faith.



If there is one thing I can say I now know with certainty, it is that God can be trusted. This trust does include  "faith-work" on our part, but not arm twisting kind of work, but rather,  a prayer- and- living kind of work. The kind of work that is an overflow of the love  and joy that He imparts.