beginnings. they matter. part 1 of a series.

I am going to begin a series today telling you about some of my history and my depression. I pray it will be some small encouragement, especially to anyone dealing with depression.

I believe we experience things while we are still in our mother's womb.  We are told, whole we are carrying our babies, to avoid stressful situations, to play music for them, to talk and read to them. Keeping that in mind, I am going to tell you a story about something that happened when I was in my 30s.

Here is the setting-- I was still married to my ex--having many and sundry problems, many stemming from his unaddressed, unresolved anger and abuse issues. That said, I was driving one night to worship band practice for church. Something that afforded me a much needed night out on my own  among those I considered friends. Our church was about an hour's ride. When I arrived there that evening, however, I found a different group of people working on something else, and found out the band rehearsal was cancelled for the evening. I felt kind of embarrassed, but also kind of sad that nobody thought to tell me about the cancellation, especially given the distance I traveled.

My next thought was to pop in on a friend, since I was near her house already. When I pulled up in the driveway, I could see they were in the kitchen, so I went up and knocked. What I saw when the door opened could have knocked me over with a feather. Both husband and wife were covered with food that they had apparently just thrown at one another during an argument. They explained that this was not a good time for a visit (no kidding), and I hastened on out of there.

Now, most people would chalk all this up to "just one of those things," and go on to say, "you'll never guess what happened to me tonight!"---or something like that.

But I found myself strangely upset, even distraught over it. I couldn't understand why, so on my hour-long ride home, I asked God. I just asked. "What is going on here? Why am I so upset?"
(hint--be careful when you ask God questions. He just might answer them). And so He did. Not out loud, but by in an inner voice-- or even more precisely--an inner impression, I got this message.

"When your mother was pregnant with you, she was not ready for it. It was late in life, and she and your dad had some problems. So she really did not welcome the idea of having another baby. At least not right away. ( I never experienced any traces of not being "wanted" by my parents).
But, you felt those feelings she had, and absorbed that rejection, that feeling of not being wanted or welcome. Now, when you are in certain situations, these feelings are stirred up. Whether they have anything to do with you or not. You feel like an outsider, someone to just be tolerated. But not really wanted. Not welcome.

Well, I had to pull over and bawl my eyes out for a few minutes. that information really made a lot of things make sense to me. Why I always felt like I had to apologize, why I felt on the outside of everything. My parents had both passed away by the time I was 23, but even while they were alive I felt really alone in the world and was always trying to remedy that.

I am telling you this part because it is good to know what sort of things drive your emotions and actions. What is underneath that you might not recognize. It took me a good many years after that time, and not a little anguish, but I can say that that night was one of many turning points.

I think God really does want to answer our questions. If we can come to Him with a truly open, humble heart, ready to accept His answer, whatever it may be.

My parents. may they rest in peace. and below, me at about 6 or so, with my best friend, at her birthday party. I am on the left.