a mother's January first

Another January first! My fiftieth one on this earth.I will not have my fiftieth birthday until July, but I have been here for fifty January firsts. It's an interesting place to be.

                                                                                                                                                                  I don't feel old, I still think in terms of what I am going to be when I grow up. On one hand, I have lots and lots of things I want to do, and on another, I am already sad when the house is too empty. I kind of wander around and call whatever kid I think is available to talk. Usually Meghann; she is kind enough to just tell me about the minutia of her day (with great panache), and help me feel connected to her and her sweet little family in a way that staves off the awful emptiness with which my season of life is threatening me.

But it's not empty nest time yet~only sort of a transitional period. One day there will be roughly seventeen people in the house, the next, everybody has somewhere to go. Weird.

Two of the girls are applying for college, but until we know where they end up, we won't know if they will live home or at school. But that time will be another chapter in the growing pains of our family. (mostly mine). As much as I can think of things I would like to tackle, or take up again, my role as a mother is such a large part of who I am, that I am going to have to really work at having that kind of mothering, the every day kind, drop into the background. Of course I am hoping that there will be other grandchildren to love and help out with, as much as I am able.  Poor Kaden will only be able to withstand so much Nonnie-doting.

I am beginning a book called Unbound, by Neal Lozano, as prescribed by my spiritual director. I have read a few chapters so far. I think I see some work on the horizon. Please pray for me!
I also am attempting to tackle a few neglected areas, such as the dentist (~shiver~) and a physical that I know is going to lead to other "routine " tests for a woman of a certain age. :P :P :P Anyone who knows me will know that I am only doing these things out of a sense of duty to try and stay healthy for my family. I will take anybody else to the doctor or dentist...but I try to steer clear myself.

Thankfully, at this moment, there are five kids sprawled around the living room watching a movie, and the dinner table tonight was full, for our traditional New Year's kielbasa and sauerkraut. So, if anything, I will be shouting down the steps for quiet, and to ask if anybody locked the door, and not to forget to turn off the lights. whew!

ready, set, change! ... annnnnd....Again!

If you don't like change, get ready to be uncomfortable. Permanently. A lot of it is raising kids. When they are little, as soon as you get used to one routine, they grow out of it. It's sort of like a game of tennis; you lob one to them, they lob one back to you, you have to adjust a bit, lob one back, etc. Well, if childhood is tennis-like, teen and young adulthood is standing at the fast pitch machine while 100 mph balls come rocketing at you at unknown intervals. The older the child, the more monumental the things they hand you on any given day.

For example--the kids come home from school.

Kid #1.( 11 years)-"Mom, I need to have my snack money by tomorrow, and I want to go roller skating and the money has to be in tomorrow". *note-roller skating is in New Jersey, on a weekend, and our weekends are not something we associate with relaxation. I believe I designated a whole post to this subject once. 

 Kid #2. (15 years), "Mom, (puts a sheet down on the desk next to me), I have to get all this drum equipment, we are starting a tympani and concert drum class." On the list are things like tympani mallets, xylophone mallets, method book and such things. I am a little amazed that we are required to run out and drop $100+ on command. But my son is a budding percussionist and of course we will comply. Maybe a little slower than some.

Then we get to the girls entering college this fall. Kid#3 (17 years)- "Mom, I need senior dues, my senior hoodie money and when can we go visit the colleges I am applying to? (anywhere from PA to RI ). Don't forget SAT's, Saturday classes, and the Prom."

Next, Kid#4 (19 years) -"I think I will be happier if I move out and am on my own". (this one also applying to colleges and wanting to do pre med). Anybody else out there ever work their way through school? ouch. 

Kid#5 (20 years) -actually just did move out. Working three jobs. 

All this is given to you without all the intricacies of daily life and without some of the larger challenges posed to each of them and us. The bare bones alone are overwhelming.

Not only do they constantly change, but I have to also. I have to adapt to the many new situations, people and goals they lay before me. Most of the time, embracing their  goals is easy. Sometimes, I can get on board partially, and help when possible. Other times, impossible. Those times are hard. Changing the way I relate to them as young adults is not so cut and dry as you might think. You know, the whole, "well when you turn 18, it will be like so and when you turn 21, like so"...um, no. Every kid is completely different.

I would say that I have learned a lot, and in so doing, have learned that I don't actually know much.

Here are a few things I can say I know.

1. Expect surprises.

If I am too locked into doing things in a rigidly scheduled way (ha HA) I will constantly feel frustrated and even angry when the curve balls come. Sometimes the surprises are good even astoundingly so, and if I am open, I will appreciate these times more.  

2.Nothing (hardly ever anyway) is as bad as it first seems.

The initial shock of getting big news, ( an unexpected illness, a car breaking down,  a kid announcing a surprise decision, or even a positive, "so and so wants you to sing/play at their event, this weekend!" ) can knock the wind out of us. But if we stop a second and kind of take apart the nuts and bolts, and think calmly, most times we can see that we will get through it, and be okay. I have experienced God's grace at times like these, to the degree where I can almost taste it.

3.There will be nice things along the way.

 
 Even when we have to go through hard situations, God always provides some comforts to help us. A good friend to talk to, meeting new people: in the case of my brother in law's very very sad funeral, we got to see family and my husband and I stayed in a hotel room alone together for the first time since.....uh....our honeymoon weekend! (that's another story all by itself).

4.God will be a constant that we can rely on, and provide that bedrock Who is unchangeable no matter what.

When we feel the bottom dropping out, it is so good to know that God is there, seeing us and loving us in that moment. When we don't know what to do next,  it is always a good idea to ask for what we need. My stock prayer is "Lord, I need you." Can't get any simpler than that. For we Catholics, if we are unable to even pray, we can just hold our rosary beads and capitalize on all the prayers said upon them, and (in the words of a much respected priest friend) "let the rite carry you." An excellent prayer is the *Memorare.

5. Another saying I have (boy I have more sayings!), is "If something is good, it is good for everyone." 

This is helpful when we have to make tough decisions, like when a teen breaks up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. If the relationship was bad for you, it was bad for them too.  If you remove yourself from an unhealthy situation, you have basically cured Relational Cancer. Everyone has the opportunity to heal and do better. If my husband has to fire someone,( something he dreads), as long as he knows he was fair, ultimately that person will improve the things that were weak or lacking, and go on to be a better worker. If I become a better person, better Catholic, better mother, all the people in my life benefit. Even if they don't like or agree with all my actions, they benefit from my prayers and obedience. Those things ripple out into the world  and effect changes I may never know about. ( a la my previous post). Of course the opposite is true too, but I am focusing on the positive side here. Usually, upon making any challenging moves, there is a period of difficulty and discomfort while we make adjustments and get used to a new way, but also there is an underlying sense of peace that eventually settles in for good.  (quitting smoking is a good analogy).

6. God willing, we will have another go at it tomorrow.

It is rare that we have to tackle everything and solve everything instantaneously. Take the time to pray, think and talk about things with people you trust. So many times, just "sleeping on it" will lessen the pressure, and give you fresh insight  and ideas. In those instances when we do have to act quickly, at least we can try to only address immediately what truly requires it. If my daughter gets overwhelmed with the college application process, we try to figure out what needs to be done first, by when and just think about that. Looking at  it all at once just underscores how big of a task it is, and is confusing.

 Well, these are just my reflections on how change can be our friend or our enemy, and how God seems to be in the business of always challenging us. I don't think we will be through changing until the day we die, and if we can embrace that, it will be mostly fun and exciting. Except when it's not fun. And then we can offer it up.

A little note-- if you happen to remember yet another of my past posts, I talked about wanting to quit my part time job. Well, I have! It was at one of the Archdiocesan residences for homeless women. I plan to go back on a volunteer basis, and do the fun parts, without all the floor mopping. I am hoping my family will be able to perform a Christmas concert for them. Just the knowledge that I will not have to jump every time they call, or have my youngest daughter have a long face on Friday nights when I have to leave, is a huge weight off my shoulders. I plan to celebrate this Friday night by sitting on the couch, watching a movie and eating snacks.

*

Memorare

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.
Amen

the team roster

I had a request yesterday! To list the "kids" (I say it that way because some are preparing to pass me) and their ages. So I thought I would do a bit more and give a little bio on each. I will try to respect their privacy and only tell you things that would totally embarrass them if you ever met. Oops, did I type that out loud?

Well, as you know my first was aborted. He would have been born somewhere around November of 1980. Later, I named him John, and asked his forgiveness, as well as the Lord's, of course.In the last few years I have begun to talk about this, in the hopes of being able to help others who are struggling with a past abortion, or considering one.


Meghann was born in 1982, she is now 28 and married to Jeff.  They have a son, Kaden, 2, who is pictured here_ frequently _. Meghann is a convert to Catholicism, one year this Easter! She is an amazing girl in every way. Her life and mine are very interconnected, even though they live in Michigan and I in Philadelphia. We sort of have parallel experiences. Maybe I will expound on that sometime. But she was the child of my youth, her dad and I married at 19 and 20. She and I kind of grew up together; she weathered a whole lot of stuff!  Some of it was my inexperience and immaturity, but not all, and some things we survived together. She is such a strong person, she had to do some real battle, and she surely came out on top. God is blessing her for her perseverance and faith. He literally saved her life shortly after she had her son. ~Jeff, now, is really the best son in law anyone could have. I trust him with his wife and son completely, his love and commitment to them is so solid. He also is a fantastical guitar player and is in a great band.

I could go on about Kaden for well, a really long time, in true Nonnie fashion. If you have read, or continue to follow me on here, you will hear lots about him. He is precious, loving, intelligent and an extreme individualist! Please remember his mother in your prayers. But he is so adorable and sweet, she is often as tickled as she is disconcerted with him.


I should add here that Meghann's father and I divorced when she was two, my own mother was in the last stages of lung, brain and liver cancer then also--AND I was 22 years old. It was kind of a rough time.




I married again in 1986, we separated in 1998, divorced in 2000. We had five children.

Daniel is next. He was born in 1987, and is now 22. He lives with his dad, and I often am almost overcome with sadness that I have missed a great deal of his life, and have to honestly say that I don't know him well. The last time he lived with me was 1998, when he was 11. I homeschooled him up until a year before that, and he had a memory that astounded me. He memorized a poem by Ogden Nash, called, The Tale of Custard the Dragon. He was about nine, and it is quite a long poem. He did it with great panache, too.

                                                                                                      

He is a great drummer, and extreme biker, a hard worker; he is still sweet to me, and I love and miss him.

I had a miscarriage next, in 1989. It was difficult and physically painful, and scary. My eldest brother, Jerry, was nearing the end of his life at that time, so it all is kind of a blur to me now. I never did get to name that child, who lived to 7 weeks in utero, but I didn't lose her till 14 weeks.

  .

Corrie came along in 1990. She was the elf baby, born very close to, but not on, St. Patricks day, and boy, did she look it. Crystal blue eyes and a way about her that made every single thing she did be cute. Hmm, maybe that's the same gene Kaden got....anyways, she was and is very intelligent, (really all of them are), but this one was able to outsmart me before age 2. Still beautiful and still cute today, she is 20. I am blessed to have her living with me for the past year, and getting to know her again. She is working through some tough stuff, and we are all just loving her and praying her whole. Her boyfriend, Justin, is pictured in our slideshow. He is an accomplished musician, singing with, among many other things, the Opera Company of Philadelphia.                                                                                       
                                                                                                          

                    He also is a magician. Here he is entertaining Corrie.

                                                                                                                                                                    Now, Melissa,born in 1991,  who has been known as "the little mother", "the bee"(taken from the meaning of her name), and more recently Mimi, Mooshka, and Moose (shortened from Mooshka --even a nickname gets cut?) those obtained at the Mexican/Japanese cafe that she has worked at for three years. She is so capable and hard working-she has been left to run the place while the owner is out of the country, at age 18. Now she is nineteen.

She is closing in on an associates degree at Community College,where she has been at the top of her class with regularity,  and then it's off to another college next fall. She plans to become a psychiatrist. She is an excellent writer (see the post called cleaning house for a little more about her), an avid runner, yogi, and outdoors lover. She kayaked this summer. She can cook and bake; she cleans in maniacal bursts. Her boyfriend, Adam, is in our slideshow as well as the previous post. He plans to enter the police academy this fall. Both Melissa and Adam are converts, Melissa when she was 13, and Adam this past Easter!  She loves marshmallows and gummy candy. She also often hears strange versions of what we say, for instance of someone says "pass the mustard", she hears, "whose *ss ruptured?!" and things of that nature.

In July of 1993, I brought Rachael home on my birthday. She is now 17, a senior in high school. Both she AND Melissa will be off to some college next fall. Yikes. Rachael is our singer, though I love to sing and often do, I still consider her The Singer. I love when she joins Bob and I when we play for masses, (which she almost always graciously does). She is also an excellent student, well loved by her friends and teachers. She is affectionate and fun to be with. She can be moody, but we wait her out, knowing she will be back. Art is her first love, and she plans to apply to some good art schools. She is in the midst of choosing which ones and will be applying very soon.We will hopefully be off to visit some of them later this fall!

Ben was born on my mother's birthday in July, in 1995. He was my roughest pregnancy/delivery, for one reason because it was a very hot summer, and for another, he was almost as big as I was. He weighed in at ten pounds, four ounces, and was no butterball. Think angles, like a Tonka truck. I rightly predicted he would grow up and pass everybody, and he obliged me. He is fifteen and 6'2". He is a thoughtful, quiet, intelligent person. But he also has a riotous sense of humor. He had everyone laughing so hard in the van on our way home from North Carolina that I thought I was going to have to pull over. He is also a drummer. Our basement vibrates for an hour or two each day. I think the neighbors appreciate the fact that he is good. No one has called the police yet.



Malaika is our youngest. She is ten (almost eleven!-she would not want me to leave that out). She is lively and energetic--except when she is angry or upset--then she adopts a Frankenstein walk with stiff arms and develops a hunchback. I can see it now; when she has kids of her own, they will say, "oh oh, Mom's doing her walk again, we better run for it". She is being schooled in many things by a houseful of teenagers and young adults, which translates to; 1.having a large vocabulary and knowing how to use it, and related to but not the same; 2.Being able to verbally spar with Extreme sarcasm. Once we were talking about using a less crass word rather than fart, and I said that when the kids were little, we used to say "bunny". Her response? "Well, that just besmirched the name of Bunny". Besmirched? Who says that?  She does have some very lovely qualities; she is generous with her possessions and her love, her favorite saint is Saint Francis, and rightly so, because she loves animals and all creatures.
 
Here she is with Rusty, my brother's dog, at his home in North Carolina. Malaika left Rusty her little travel pillow. She placed it on his bed, didn't say a word to anybody, and we came home. My brother called  to tell us she had done this, and asked if we wanted it sent back. I said no, Malaika wants him to have it. Gary said Rusty likes it, he misses her and it has her scent on it.                                                                                                                 



Well, this is the lineup! We hope to soon have everyone together, something we have not been able to accomplish, as Meghann, Jeff and Kaden plan to come for Thanksgiving. If we can snag Daniel for that day, as last year, maybe we can pull it off. And if I don't harm the camera by then, we will take loads of pictures!

Well, this page contains the pieces of my heart. Thanks to the friend that requested it, it was a very worthwhile exercise in love and remembrance.



 I gave each one a green scapular--I say the prayer each day,along with my other prayers for them--






Here is a bit about what it is used for--it is not everything--it's main focus is on conversion. Who of us doesn't need continual conversion?



Favors obtained by invoking Our Lady under this title have been truly remarkable. The Society of the Green Scapular was formed specifically because of the incredible miracles obtained from Our Heavenly Mother during a brief six-month period. There were miracles of health, peace and conversion. At a major national medical center in the suburbs of Washington, D.C., two people were cured of fatal diseases, just a few days from death! Others were on the verge of suicide. Through the Green Scapular devotion they were given the wisdom to understand why they were so miserable, and the strength to make the changes necessary to bring happiness and hope into their lives. Most importantly, there were truly wonderful graces bringing people in various circumstances to reconcile themselves to Jesus in the fullness of His Truth and grace. Family and friends, who had fallen away from the Catholic Faith, and even those who never had faith, came to embrace the Sacraments (sometimes after being away a lifetime). People involved in dangerous relationships saw their bad companions change for the better or leave the relationship. Work environments witnessed an increase of purity in speech, modesty in dress and charity in behavior.



God Bless you!
Peace,
Kelly