What is stopping you?

https://joshsommers.smugmug.com/Art/The-Droste-Effect/i-Nnk5bWT/2/S/x-S.jpg

   As a parent, I always want my kids to tell me if they need something. It makes me unhappy to know that any one of them has suffered in silence because their shoes got too small or they were down to one pair of jeans, or they fell behind in algebra; or they wanted to sign up for a sport/club/class, but weren't sure they could handle it. Anything. It's fine if it's just a material thing, or help over an academic or social hurdle. Or something more. I truly wish they knew my heart for them never changes, and that I always want their best, highest good. It is painful when they don't seem to know that there is nothing that can change my heart toward them.

   God is our Father, and we can understand the quality of that love because of the love we have for our own. But do we ask Him for all our needs?  How many times do we suffer in silence, flounder around in our difficulties, surrender to our wounds, get stuck in a rut, or become paralyzed with fear? I would venture to say, we all do it in some way every day, simply as a part of being human. How much must the Father's heart hurt when we don't ask him for what we need? When He reaches out to us in a hundred different ways every day, and just gets brushed off because we are not open to the idea that it is He that is offering us His love, tenderness and assistance? When He only wants our highest good, and that we know that His heart for us never changes?

I think that we can't see it because we haven't asked Him for what we need. And maybe that is why we are stuck.

Where are you stuck?

A long time ago, I heard this teaching:

If you have an area in which you are struggling, identify the goal, and then isolate every step of what you need to reach it. I am approaching this as a spiritual process, but it can apply to anything.


https://c2.staticflickr.com/2/1427/749172163_0364da22c7_z.jpg?zz=1


A Scenario.

Fred has been away from the Church. He is questioning his faith, but is also feeling an emptiness in his life that he has not been able to fill by pursuing his own ideas.  What does he need? Faith? A connection with God? If he starts right where he is, he can ask God for the strength and courage to take the first step. He can say one Hail Mary a day, and ask that God reach out to him with a path. If he has a hard time praying at all, he can ask for the ability to pray. Just that one request. He can keep backing up until he reaches the point where he can begin. If he is open, he will recognize it when that person talks to him about faith, or that book comes across his path.


What is a goal you have not been reaching for because the path to you seems blocked? Write down that goal and work back, asking God for the ability to go forward. Be clear about the steps, and what is stopping you from doing them.

I have been working out now, consistently, at least for a little over two years. results have been slow, and there were a lot of roadblocks along the way. Scheduling, health concerns, injury, depression. But, one by one, I was able to ask for the thing I needed to go forward, even if I had to start with asking for the desire to do it. Sometimes, even the desire to be open to doing it. Or the desire to have the desire! I wanted the goal, but felt blocked. So I needed enough desire to take the first step to getting unblocked. God sent many little concrete steps for me to follow. An at-home, free, online exercise program with a huge array of workouts, in all styles, time frames and intensity levels. No having to leave the house, no fancy wardrobe, no special equipment, no AUDIENCE, especially in the very beginning. I could do ten or fifteen minutes if that was all I could manage. I would even workout in whatever I had worn to bed. But now, I do have the desire. The inertia has been overcome. I want to feel that sweaty burn. Even when it hurts, I like it, because I see and feel the results and the benefit goes far beyond the physical. I look forward to having days I can do longer workouts, but doing five days of  30 intense minutes is just fine. God provided everything I needed.

The goals in the beginning seemed large, wide-ranging,  and unattainable. I was struggling with the effects of an under active thyroid, compounded with life events that felt overwhelming and a proclivity to depression and anxiety. I just wanted to trust God as I once had, and feel at peace. And have some energy. So, I asked Him for some beginning steps. Finding that workout program was a big one. It helped me improve my physical and mental health, it increased my energy levels and helped with sleep and made it easier to desire healthy eating. It also  has made it possible to see the way ahead more clearly and set further goals.

 Another help along the way was finding my NarAnon family group. This has truly been a larger piece of life-help than I first imagined. And has much more impact than solely in the arena of addiction, It is a support for ALL aspects of life.

I mentioned further goals. I have been limping along in my spiritual life, at least in my own estimation. I suspect God has been leading me down the Attainable Path all along, but I have always striven for certain goals and not been able to maintain the discipline. So with the help of the upcoming Lent, and asking God for a daily devotional habit that I can sustain after Lent and beyond, and most importantly, the desire for God to increase. I know this is a good request and that He will answer, indeed is already answering, and I will be looking for those answers.







http://www.2expertsdesign.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/SDEE04.jpg



I want to give sources to all the puzzle pieces I mentioned above:

1. The lovely young couple, Daniel and Kelli Segars and their online site, Fitness Blender.


2.  Matthew Kelly's outreach, that I first found as Best Advent Ever, but the whole shebang is called Dynamic Catholic. Best Lent Ever is going to be available as well, and I intend to take advantage of the daily emails! You may have seen his books, Rediscover Jesus, being given out at your parish. I highly recommend this program. Highly.

3. If you have a loved one or family member struggling with addiction, or suspect it, you can find a NarAnon or AlAnon in your area by searching NarAnon or AlAnon family group meetings.


And by all means, gladden God's heart by asking Him for what you need. Do it today. It is my prayer for you.

Peace, 

Kelly

+JMJ+

on cognitive dissonance

That's the fancy name for living in a way that is in conflict with your conscience.

It's like a permanent stone in your shoe, or a feeling that something is always just, well, off.

Some who live in a way that is not in alignment with our deepest beliefs experience depression, anxiety, and even physical ailments. I remember having this conversation with myself at different points in my life:

Me #1:

"I wish I knew why I am feeling this overwhelming sadness and having all these frightening, negative and critical thoughts"

Me #2:

"But you do know!"

Me #1:

"Do not!"

Me #2:

"Do so!"

(after several repeats)

Me #2:

"Look, there are these several things that you are doing that you know you really don't feel good about, and they are actually hurting you, spiritually, emotionally and physically." 

Me #1:

"But to stop any of it would mean major changes. It's too scary! I don't know what my life would be like! What if I will be lonely, or lose my friends?"

Me #2:

"It's true that there is an element of the unknown, but who's to say it would be a negative change? Maybe good things will happen. One thing is true, that at least you will be free of the burden that is eating you up on the inside!" 

Me #1:

 "Maybe I am just like this. Maybe I should just accept the way things are now. I can rearrange the furniture and put a new coat of paint. Maybe then I will feel better about everything. 

Me#2:

"That's pretty much what you have been doing, How's that working out?" 

Me#1:

"Okay, I know. I guess I really have known. Maybe it is harder to try to keep the plates all spinning than to hope for some peace. Maybe I will do one thing and see how that goes."

Me #2:

"Yup. And you will find that if you do the first thing, the next one will be easier."

I'm sure you have heard the saying, "Better to face the devil you know than the devil you don't."
Perhaps this is one rationalization we have for staying stuck in patterns in life that are holding us back. I would say that if the "devil we know" is the thing we are finding comfort in and the "devil we don't" is the thing we are afraid of on the other side of change, then, friends, the only devil is the real one who is whispering in your ear that you just can't do it.

For my part, changing my life was not something I did on my own. All I did was humbly admit that my own tactics of never confronting my fears or challenging my methods was definitely NOT WORKING. I knew deep down all along, that God was calling me to follow and trust Him, and all my efforts to do it _my way_ were only amounting to sadness and harm. I had several light bulb moments that pretty much woke me up to the fact that I had to do SOMETHING and soon.

The biggest thing I did was to simply allow God in. I considered what He had to say to me, and asked His help. For me, the turning point was the hardest part. Overcoming the fear was like the drop of oil that got the gears in motion. It wasn't all kittens and picnic lunches from there, but the huge relief that ensued from gradually resolving the cognitive dissonance was like being able to breathe again. It was one step at a time, and frankly, still is.

Cognitive dissonance, in the language of the Church, is simply conviction of sin. And it is a huge grace, not a negative, shaming thing at all. The only shame is in refusing His love and grace.

I think living the Christian life is one long, continual conversion, as we allow Him to conform us to His life for us. It is resolving cognitive dissonance one sliver at a time, towards ultimate peace. The Church provides the vehicle for us to ride upon, partaking of Christ in the Eucharist and the other sacraments that help care for us in this life, and assist us to the next.

It is a great gift and grace, to be able to lay our heads on our pillow at night, and be able to sleep in peace and security. We know that we are not perfect, but that we are on the road with Him, going where He leads, and not flailing around on our own.

I would ask your continued prayers for my family and for me.

Peace, 

Kelly

A Post a Day #3. Resistance to Change

So, in yesterday's post I mentioned the things I would like to change and improve during Lent. I know full well that when I make up my mind to make a change for the better, in any area, I will encounter resistance. Whether it is from within or without, from the material world or the spiritual, making changes to my body, my mind, or my spirit involves warfare against the comfortable inertia I am currently enjoying.

Which got me to remembering how I agree with Jen Fulweiler's statements about how one experiences resistance in the context of trying to lose weight.

18. If you’re approaching it the right way, trying to lose weight will involve major spiritual warfare — not because holiness has anything to do with a number on a scale, but because you’re attempting to free yourself from attachments that drag you down. We Christians call the force behind this phenomenon evil, Steven Pressfield calls it Resistance. Whatever label you want to use, know that it is real and it is going to try to stop you.

From her entire excellent post,The lazy nerd's guide to weight loss.


 So, if we accept that as a given, what do we do when we're in the thick of it? 

Here is some decidedly unprofessional advice from my own mind and experience. You're welcome.



1. Trust that what I am doing is a good thing. It doesn't have to be Nobel Prize Winning Good, just something that adds to yours or others' lives. Then when you go to do it, you don't have to keep revisiting it's "rightness." I like what Mother Angelica says:

“Faith is one foot on the ground, one foot in the air, and a queasy feeling in the stomach.”

“Unless you are willing to do the ridiculous, God will not do the miraculous. When you have God, you don’t have to know everything about it; you just do it.”

“Never put a lid on God. You can give God a thimble and ask for a quart. It won't work. Your plans, your projects, your dreams have to always be bigger than you, so God has room to operate. I want you to get good ideas, crazy ideas, extravagant ideas. Nothing is too much for The Lord to do - accent on 'The Lord'.”

2. Expect the roadblocks, deal with them and keep going.  

I wear the brown scapular. When I was struggling with consistency in my prayer life, I thought perhaps I should stop wearing it until I get back on track. A wise priest told me to just make some small prayer offering to Mary rather than stop wearing the scapular. 

 After all the evil one would like nothing more than to see me give up my devotion to the Blessed Mother, who crushes his head beneath her heel.

Don't give points to the wrong team. Don't give up.

3. Don't be surprised at the weakness of your own flesh. (Boy, this one rings true when I am working out).  But really, we ALL sin and fall short of the glory of God. We ALL are sitting squarely in the

middle of our humanity and have to rely on grace for everything, most especially in our areas of struggle. We supply the willingness, effort and faith, and God grants us results. 

So, when I don't feel like doing my workout, I apply what I know about inertia, and just put my sneakers on, start the video and make the motions. Sometimes I get into it part way, as I get warmed up, and it gets easier. Not every time, but the results, ahh. The benefits help me in so many areas.

4. Don't be surprised at the way your old thought patterns try to drag you down. Especially if you have an inner critic, as I do. In these instances, you have to recognize the lies and tell yourself the truth. Example: I want to say a Rosary on a given day, but have a bunch of stuff I also need to do around the house. The Critic says, "Praying while doing tasks does not show proper reverence." If I listen to the Critic, guess what? I don't pray. So I tell myself the truth, that God would rather I pray. 

Be clear and honest with yourself.

 5.  Do expect grace. In my experience, any time we make a move toward God, whatever resistance we may encounter pales in comparison with the grace we receive. If we stay the course with our eyes on Him, He truly does pave the way and vanquish the foes, even if the foes come from our minds. 

So, I say this to myself and to you, go and be bold, be Catholic, let Him fill, energize and encourage you. 


 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:12-14
 

ready, set, change! ... annnnnd....Again!

If you don't like change, get ready to be uncomfortable. Permanently. A lot of it is raising kids. When they are little, as soon as you get used to one routine, they grow out of it. It's sort of like a game of tennis; you lob one to them, they lob one back to you, you have to adjust a bit, lob one back, etc. Well, if childhood is tennis-like, teen and young adulthood is standing at the fast pitch machine while 100 mph balls come rocketing at you at unknown intervals. The older the child, the more monumental the things they hand you on any given day.

For example--the kids come home from school.

Kid #1.( 11 years)-"Mom, I need to have my snack money by tomorrow, and I want to go roller skating and the money has to be in tomorrow". *note-roller skating is in New Jersey, on a weekend, and our weekends are not something we associate with relaxation. I believe I designated a whole post to this subject once. 

 Kid #2. (15 years), "Mom, (puts a sheet down on the desk next to me), I have to get all this drum equipment, we are starting a tympani and concert drum class." On the list are things like tympani mallets, xylophone mallets, method book and such things. I am a little amazed that we are required to run out and drop $100+ on command. But my son is a budding percussionist and of course we will comply. Maybe a little slower than some.

Then we get to the girls entering college this fall. Kid#3 (17 years)- "Mom, I need senior dues, my senior hoodie money and when can we go visit the colleges I am applying to? (anywhere from PA to RI ). Don't forget SAT's, Saturday classes, and the Prom."

Next, Kid#4 (19 years) -"I think I will be happier if I move out and am on my own". (this one also applying to colleges and wanting to do pre med). Anybody else out there ever work their way through school? ouch. 

Kid#5 (20 years) -actually just did move out. Working three jobs. 

All this is given to you without all the intricacies of daily life and without some of the larger challenges posed to each of them and us. The bare bones alone are overwhelming.

Not only do they constantly change, but I have to also. I have to adapt to the many new situations, people and goals they lay before me. Most of the time, embracing their  goals is easy. Sometimes, I can get on board partially, and help when possible. Other times, impossible. Those times are hard. Changing the way I relate to them as young adults is not so cut and dry as you might think. You know, the whole, "well when you turn 18, it will be like so and when you turn 21, like so"...um, no. Every kid is completely different.

I would say that I have learned a lot, and in so doing, have learned that I don't actually know much.

Here are a few things I can say I know.

1. Expect surprises.

If I am too locked into doing things in a rigidly scheduled way (ha HA) I will constantly feel frustrated and even angry when the curve balls come. Sometimes the surprises are good even astoundingly so, and if I am open, I will appreciate these times more.  

2.Nothing (hardly ever anyway) is as bad as it first seems.

The initial shock of getting big news, ( an unexpected illness, a car breaking down,  a kid announcing a surprise decision, or even a positive, "so and so wants you to sing/play at their event, this weekend!" ) can knock the wind out of us. But if we stop a second and kind of take apart the nuts and bolts, and think calmly, most times we can see that we will get through it, and be okay. I have experienced God's grace at times like these, to the degree where I can almost taste it.

3.There will be nice things along the way.

 
 Even when we have to go through hard situations, God always provides some comforts to help us. A good friend to talk to, meeting new people: in the case of my brother in law's very very sad funeral, we got to see family and my husband and I stayed in a hotel room alone together for the first time since.....uh....our honeymoon weekend! (that's another story all by itself).

4.God will be a constant that we can rely on, and provide that bedrock Who is unchangeable no matter what.

When we feel the bottom dropping out, it is so good to know that God is there, seeing us and loving us in that moment. When we don't know what to do next,  it is always a good idea to ask for what we need. My stock prayer is "Lord, I need you." Can't get any simpler than that. For we Catholics, if we are unable to even pray, we can just hold our rosary beads and capitalize on all the prayers said upon them, and (in the words of a much respected priest friend) "let the rite carry you." An excellent prayer is the *Memorare.

5. Another saying I have (boy I have more sayings!), is "If something is good, it is good for everyone." 

This is helpful when we have to make tough decisions, like when a teen breaks up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. If the relationship was bad for you, it was bad for them too.  If you remove yourself from an unhealthy situation, you have basically cured Relational Cancer. Everyone has the opportunity to heal and do better. If my husband has to fire someone,( something he dreads), as long as he knows he was fair, ultimately that person will improve the things that were weak or lacking, and go on to be a better worker. If I become a better person, better Catholic, better mother, all the people in my life benefit. Even if they don't like or agree with all my actions, they benefit from my prayers and obedience. Those things ripple out into the world  and effect changes I may never know about. ( a la my previous post). Of course the opposite is true too, but I am focusing on the positive side here. Usually, upon making any challenging moves, there is a period of difficulty and discomfort while we make adjustments and get used to a new way, but also there is an underlying sense of peace that eventually settles in for good.  (quitting smoking is a good analogy).

6. God willing, we will have another go at it tomorrow.

It is rare that we have to tackle everything and solve everything instantaneously. Take the time to pray, think and talk about things with people you trust. So many times, just "sleeping on it" will lessen the pressure, and give you fresh insight  and ideas. In those instances when we do have to act quickly, at least we can try to only address immediately what truly requires it. If my daughter gets overwhelmed with the college application process, we try to figure out what needs to be done first, by when and just think about that. Looking at  it all at once just underscores how big of a task it is, and is confusing.

 Well, these are just my reflections on how change can be our friend or our enemy, and how God seems to be in the business of always challenging us. I don't think we will be through changing until the day we die, and if we can embrace that, it will be mostly fun and exciting. Except when it's not fun. And then we can offer it up.

A little note-- if you happen to remember yet another of my past posts, I talked about wanting to quit my part time job. Well, I have! It was at one of the Archdiocesan residences for homeless women. I plan to go back on a volunteer basis, and do the fun parts, without all the floor mopping. I am hoping my family will be able to perform a Christmas concert for them. Just the knowledge that I will not have to jump every time they call, or have my youngest daughter have a long face on Friday nights when I have to leave, is a huge weight off my shoulders. I plan to celebrate this Friday night by sitting on the couch, watching a movie and eating snacks.

*

Memorare

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.
Amen