snowed under in July and a birthday party

Here are some pictures from a fun thing, my son Ben's 17th birthday.

This was the Birthday Hat, and the Birthday Shirt. Rachael made the shirt. It has some significance to a show and video game. We went with  video game as the theme. The hat was just because. One year he wore a clown tie. It hung in the coat closet pictured, and for a long time it stuck out the side, giving the impression we had a clown trapped in our closet.

So happy Dan could make it. We all miss him!
He gave Ben a new drum throne, a really nice one with a tractor style seat. His old one had broken and he was using an old kitchen chair.

Here he is opening it.

 the old style Nintendo controller cake. The Cake Boss can rest easy.

 So this was what they mostly did. You know, just to keep with the theme. We had about fifteen or so people. It was a nice day, I think Ben had fun.






It took me pretty much a full week to recover from the prep and carrying out of this, though. Sometimes I wonder why I am so easily worn out. Other times, I am pretty sure it is a stress reaction. For me, they come way after the event(s). Sort of a chickens-coming-home-to-roost effect. I can function pretty well in the moment of a crisis, and be fairly clear headed. But later, all the residual exhaustion gangs up, hunts me down, and ambushes me when I least expect it. Yes, I have a lot on my mind presently, ( I won't list it out here, I might scare myself)  but it seems it is all I can do to get through the day, and that sometimes, just barely.

Guess it is time to regroup. Again. I want to go back to daily mass. Now that I am not in school, I hope to be able to. Getting up early, once something I did easily and enjoyed, is now difficult and far from enjoyable. Some combo of stress, middle age and all its accompanying changes, and my old cross, depression are OUT TO GET ME. Oh and maybe a touch of paranoia. Haha.

Nothing God can't handle. Praying He will soon do just that!

seeking wisdom

Hello! I have been blogging less frequently, I know. Several reasons, but one of the biggies is that I have been ....shhhhh....exercising....I am afraid if I say it too loudly I will again be pulled away by one thing or another. It's usually the first thing I do, after coffee, each day.  I am in my fourth week, and if I don't exactly see any big results, I sure do feel them. My back is the first thing to show improvement, followed by general increases in strength, energy and mood. My spare tire is still firmly attached. But I feel better about it.




 I have been also thinking about this and that, doing some reading and sunning, and trying to just do each day what seems to be given to me to do.

As usual, there is a lot going on in the life of my family. Two starting college in the fall, one going to live away, one at home. Another one living nearby, but suffering from mysterious seizures, and dealing with some heavy issues besides, requiring attention and assistance at times.  Eldest in Michigan, with lovely family, with which we want to coordinate a summer get together with my brother, (who isn't well), in North Carolina (see this post ). Many other family concerns on our minds, and to add icing to the cake, financial concerns. It all adds up to this-

or, if you like, this-

So, here comes the wisdom piece. And I do ask your prayers for this. Recently I have been reading, (among other things not nearly as spiritual, but not without merit),  is Ten Prayers God Always Says Yes To by Anthony DeStefano.  A very inspiring and thought provoking book.

One of the prayers is, "God, please give me wisdom."  And right now, I think I could use some. (well, of course, I always could), but for this juncture of the life of my family, I want to know what He wants of me.

Should I go back to work? Or should we just do a massive scale back in consumption? I know if I do go to work, I don't think I can handle the kind of job I typically get, full of plentiful human suffering for which I am grossly underpaid and grossly over worked and for which I am grossly over responsible. You get my take on the situation. But jobs being not the most plentiful or easily found, who knows whether I will be able to pick and choose? I am still battling small recurrences of Epstein-Barr, JUST getting back into some sort of exercise routine, and am relied on by some family members as well as the kids for transportation and general help.

But Gods ways are His own, so if He does indeed intend that I join in the fray to ease our financial burden, I have to trust He will guide me with the well being of us all in mind.

Here are a few passages from Father Jacques Philippe that resonate- the highlighted parts are the one that jumped out at me:

Every authentic vocation is a calling to live ever more fully. We should be wary of callings that may mask refusal to engage life, fear of love, flight from the body or feelings, or a lack of acceptance of human existence as it is. Accepting one’s calling should mean choosing a more intense, abundant way of life, not fear-driving flight, or a disguised choice of death, as can happen with some poorly discerned religious commitments.
— Called to Life, pp.24-25

The spiritual life would be unlivable if negation and repression were the only legitimate responses to our desires. But the spiritual path is not a way of negation but an education of desire: progressively learning to leave superficial desires behind in order to let the deepest desire emerge, the one that carries the call addressed to us by God.
— Called to Life, p.100 

Faithfulness to mental prayer is a school of freedom. It is a school of truth in love, because it teaches us, little by little, no longer to place our relationship with God on the shaky, unstable basis of our own impressions, moods, or feelings, but on the solid foundation of faith—God’s faithfulness, which is as firm as a rock. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today, and forever” (Heb 13:8), for “His mercy is from generation to generation” (Lk 1:50). If we persevere, our relationships with other people, which are likewise superficial and changeable, will become more stable, more faithful, deeper, and hence happier.
— Time for God, p.32

“For you were called to freedom, brethren” (Gal 5:13). So says St. Paul in the letter to the Galatians. God calls us to freedom. But instead of being given to us instantaneously and in full measure, this freedom is built up progressively and patiently day by day, by being faithful to God’s calls.
— Called to Life, p.1

 one can't really break apart Paul.

Well, friends, there is much to think about and ever more to pray about. Our family would appreciate your prayers.

St. Rita, come to my aid! Faithful, loving wife and mother, Humble, prayerful widow and nun, Because of my need, answer my call. St. Rita, come to my aid! Beautiful rose born from the Savior's thorns, Lead me far from anger and hate; Guide my heart on peaceful paths with charity to all.

St. Rita, come to my aid!      Helper, healer, holy friend      Hear my petition (make request).      To Christ take this prayer,      For He is my Lord, my God, my All,      My hope in despair,      My strength when afraid.      St. Rita, come to my aid!      St. Rita, answer my call.  Amen.

ready, set, change! ... annnnnd....Again!

If you don't like change, get ready to be uncomfortable. Permanently. A lot of it is raising kids. When they are little, as soon as you get used to one routine, they grow out of it. It's sort of like a game of tennis; you lob one to them, they lob one back to you, you have to adjust a bit, lob one back, etc. Well, if childhood is tennis-like, teen and young adulthood is standing at the fast pitch machine while 100 mph balls come rocketing at you at unknown intervals. The older the child, the more monumental the things they hand you on any given day.

For example--the kids come home from school.

Kid #1.( 11 years)-"Mom, I need to have my snack money by tomorrow, and I want to go roller skating and the money has to be in tomorrow". *note-roller skating is in New Jersey, on a weekend, and our weekends are not something we associate with relaxation. I believe I designated a whole post to this subject once. 

 Kid #2. (15 years), "Mom, (puts a sheet down on the desk next to me), I have to get all this drum equipment, we are starting a tympani and concert drum class." On the list are things like tympani mallets, xylophone mallets, method book and such things. I am a little amazed that we are required to run out and drop $100+ on command. But my son is a budding percussionist and of course we will comply. Maybe a little slower than some.

Then we get to the girls entering college this fall. Kid#3 (17 years)- "Mom, I need senior dues, my senior hoodie money and when can we go visit the colleges I am applying to? (anywhere from PA to RI ). Don't forget SAT's, Saturday classes, and the Prom."

Next, Kid#4 (19 years) -"I think I will be happier if I move out and am on my own". (this one also applying to colleges and wanting to do pre med). Anybody else out there ever work their way through school? ouch. 

Kid#5 (20 years) -actually just did move out. Working three jobs. 

All this is given to you without all the intricacies of daily life and without some of the larger challenges posed to each of them and us. The bare bones alone are overwhelming.

Not only do they constantly change, but I have to also. I have to adapt to the many new situations, people and goals they lay before me. Most of the time, embracing their  goals is easy. Sometimes, I can get on board partially, and help when possible. Other times, impossible. Those times are hard. Changing the way I relate to them as young adults is not so cut and dry as you might think. You know, the whole, "well when you turn 18, it will be like so and when you turn 21, like so"...um, no. Every kid is completely different.

I would say that I have learned a lot, and in so doing, have learned that I don't actually know much.

Here are a few things I can say I know.

1. Expect surprises.

If I am too locked into doing things in a rigidly scheduled way (ha HA) I will constantly feel frustrated and even angry when the curve balls come. Sometimes the surprises are good even astoundingly so, and if I am open, I will appreciate these times more.  

2.Nothing (hardly ever anyway) is as bad as it first seems.

The initial shock of getting big news, ( an unexpected illness, a car breaking down,  a kid announcing a surprise decision, or even a positive, "so and so wants you to sing/play at their event, this weekend!" ) can knock the wind out of us. But if we stop a second and kind of take apart the nuts and bolts, and think calmly, most times we can see that we will get through it, and be okay. I have experienced God's grace at times like these, to the degree where I can almost taste it.

3.There will be nice things along the way.

 
 Even when we have to go through hard situations, God always provides some comforts to help us. A good friend to talk to, meeting new people: in the case of my brother in law's very very sad funeral, we got to see family and my husband and I stayed in a hotel room alone together for the first time since.....uh....our honeymoon weekend! (that's another story all by itself).

4.God will be a constant that we can rely on, and provide that bedrock Who is unchangeable no matter what.

When we feel the bottom dropping out, it is so good to know that God is there, seeing us and loving us in that moment. When we don't know what to do next,  it is always a good idea to ask for what we need. My stock prayer is "Lord, I need you." Can't get any simpler than that. For we Catholics, if we are unable to even pray, we can just hold our rosary beads and capitalize on all the prayers said upon them, and (in the words of a much respected priest friend) "let the rite carry you." An excellent prayer is the *Memorare.

5. Another saying I have (boy I have more sayings!), is "If something is good, it is good for everyone." 

This is helpful when we have to make tough decisions, like when a teen breaks up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. If the relationship was bad for you, it was bad for them too.  If you remove yourself from an unhealthy situation, you have basically cured Relational Cancer. Everyone has the opportunity to heal and do better. If my husband has to fire someone,( something he dreads), as long as he knows he was fair, ultimately that person will improve the things that were weak or lacking, and go on to be a better worker. If I become a better person, better Catholic, better mother, all the people in my life benefit. Even if they don't like or agree with all my actions, they benefit from my prayers and obedience. Those things ripple out into the world  and effect changes I may never know about. ( a la my previous post). Of course the opposite is true too, but I am focusing on the positive side here. Usually, upon making any challenging moves, there is a period of difficulty and discomfort while we make adjustments and get used to a new way, but also there is an underlying sense of peace that eventually settles in for good.  (quitting smoking is a good analogy).

6. God willing, we will have another go at it tomorrow.

It is rare that we have to tackle everything and solve everything instantaneously. Take the time to pray, think and talk about things with people you trust. So many times, just "sleeping on it" will lessen the pressure, and give you fresh insight  and ideas. In those instances when we do have to act quickly, at least we can try to only address immediately what truly requires it. If my daughter gets overwhelmed with the college application process, we try to figure out what needs to be done first, by when and just think about that. Looking at  it all at once just underscores how big of a task it is, and is confusing.

 Well, these are just my reflections on how change can be our friend or our enemy, and how God seems to be in the business of always challenging us. I don't think we will be through changing until the day we die, and if we can embrace that, it will be mostly fun and exciting. Except when it's not fun. And then we can offer it up.

A little note-- if you happen to remember yet another of my past posts, I talked about wanting to quit my part time job. Well, I have! It was at one of the Archdiocesan residences for homeless women. I plan to go back on a volunteer basis, and do the fun parts, without all the floor mopping. I am hoping my family will be able to perform a Christmas concert for them. Just the knowledge that I will not have to jump every time they call, or have my youngest daughter have a long face on Friday nights when I have to leave, is a huge weight off my shoulders. I plan to celebrate this Friday night by sitting on the couch, watching a movie and eating snacks.

*

Memorare

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.
Amen