Believe it or not, this was the easier topic

Yes, it really is easier for me to talk about humility than many of the other posts I have bouncing around in my brain. I think because it is plainly evident that I am still so far from achieving even the smallest portion of this list, that it is pretty safe to look on from a distance. Almost as though it was a zoo animal in an enclosure, some other species with an unknowable mind.

Everything I have learned about myself and about how to walk with God in this life comes back to humility.
One can't acknowledge God's existence, ask for anything in prayer, have faith or ask for the gift of faith, or even seek out God at all - without being able to first admit that we are not the master of our lives. That we have need and that need can only be seen in relation to our smallness before the Creator of creation.

It's a relief, really, to realize I am not in charge, or in control of anything. Who wants that! Anywhere I do have authority, God has granted it though favor or through natural law, and the better I understand my authority is really just another form of servanthood, the better for everyone concerned.


I mean, take a gander at that list! It's not a question of whether I don't live up to any of the points, but HOW MANY TIMES EVERY DAY . Let's see, yes I talked about myself, and oh, curiosity! How many things/people did I Google today alone? I want to know ALL THE THINGS. And incidentally, any time I give up or cut back on social media, I find that my stress level decreases, and golly gee, I have more time and inclination to pray! And pay attention to the people God puts in front of my face! Imagine that. I am working on being able to use social media and not let it slap me around, overtake my life, pull me Alice-like down rabbit-hole-labyrinths, distract me from what is most important.

And oh boy, those small irritations. Those get me every time. And I am not by nature an irritable person, but often it is the rude cashier, or the lady that zooms in front of me as I am headed to the checkout line at the grocery store (you know exactly which one I mean, she comes flying over from your peripheral vision and never once looks at you), that will be the last straw if I am having a day with a lot on my mind.

And 7-15. I mean. They are so far from my natural inclinations so as to maybe be written in hieroglyphics. WHO DOES THOSE THINGS?

And the answer is of course, Jesus did those things. And the Blessed Mother. And many saints. And I want to do those things.

So every Friday, as part of another group of prayers I say (Auxilium Christianorum), Is the Litany of Humility.

Litany of Humility 

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, hear me. 
From the desire of being esteemed, deliver me, Jesus. 
From the desire of being loved, deliver me, Jesus. 
From the desire of being extolled, deliver me, Jesus. 
From the desire of being honored, deliver me, Jesus. 
From the desire of being praised, deliver me, Jesus. 
From the desire of being preferred to others, deliver me, Jesus. 
From the desire of being consulted, deliver me, Jesus. 
From the desire of being approved, deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, deliver me, Jesus. 
From the fear of being despised, deliver me, Jesus. 
From the fear of suffering rebukes, deliver me, Jesus. 
From the fear of being calumniated, deliver me, Jesus. 
From the fear of being forgotten, deliver me, Jesus. 
From the fear of being ridiculed, deliver me, Jesus.
 From the fear of being wronged, deliver me, Jesus.
 From the fear of being suspected, deliver me, Jesus.
That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. 
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
 That in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. 
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. 
That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. 
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. 
That others may become holier than I, provided that I become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.  

At first, just having those words come out of my mouth seemed kind of ridiculous. But I have come to love them, even the pain I sometimes feel when the contrast to my actual life is so great. I realize that I am asking Him who is able to do these sorts of things. To change things I can't. Even to make me willing to change things I don't want to let go of.

I realize that without some measure of humility, I will not be able to grow in the spiritual life and be the person I was created to be. Which I really want to be, if for no one else then at least for my family.

Not the least of whom are these two--
--you didn't think you were getting away without the grands--

Blessings and Peace.

Kelly

The day of a lifetime

I had no intentions of going to the Papal anything, as crowds are Not My Thing, and Bob generally dislikes anything done outside, so we were pretty much in agreement.

But then, on Saturday morning, we started wondering if maybe we should go downtown and just wander about anyway. Something had stirred in us, but I hadn't been feeling well, so we were still very on the fence. We went to morning mass, where I proceeded to say a few uncomplimentary things about our new priest and his way of celebrating mass. Smallish things, but still.

After mass, we decided to "just go and see" if there were still any tickets at the rectory. We were told there were a few left for that day, for the events bridging the World Meeting of Families and the Pope's arrival. Father happened by outside the office door and said, "You looking for tickets? Hold on." To which, he disappeared for a few minutes, and came back with two tickets to the mass in his hand. He said he had done his Pope thing with John Paul II, had even appeared on TV with him when he came to Philly, and was glad to give them to us.

So, yes, as usual for me, foot in mouth disease, though Father didn't know it, And now we had tickets to EVERYTHING. It was starting to feel kinda meant-to-be-ish.

We decided to go down right away, so as soon as we were ready, off we went. We only stopped for some hand sanitizer, having seen the pictures of endless rows of porta-potties as far as the eye could see.

It was very strange to see the Philly streets devoid of cars, but full of people biking, running, walking dogs, even one enterprising guy piloting a taxi-bike. Then we got to what I like to call The Pope Zone.

As my friend, Manny, posted on his day at the Madison Square Garden Papal Mass, we also had to wait in rather long and slow security line. During which people were told they may not take any fruit inside, so folks were either eating up all their fruit (there was a surprising amount of fruit-toters) or giving it away, I was the happy recipient of a lovely banana. But then! A little later, the Fruit Rule was revised to just no Round Fruit. No apples, plums, oranges. Bananas were now okay! The woman did ask for hers back, but it wasn't readily available. We all did speculate on the Round Fruit rule for a while. It passed the time. As Manny also experienced, as we got closer, folks started to cut the line. Nobody said anything. Spirit of the day and all.  Our whole line experience was an hour, maybe hour and a half-ish.

Then we were In. With the idea we might get within sighting distance of seeing Papa leave the Basilica, we went in that general direction, only to find that all the fences and cattle chutes kept us literally corralled into certain areas. We spotted a place right up against the fence a little ways from the Basilica and just parked ourselves there to figure out what we wanted to do. Here was our view:

This one tells better where we were standing, the above one shows the beauty of the Basilica. You can see how people are mostly all hemmed in by fences.

Turns out, we were too late for seeing the conclusion of the mass, so after much speculating, we decided to stay put and hope we were on the parade route, for when Papa would ride around after speaking at Independence Hall, and before the evening's festivities. All we knew about that was that there were going to be musical groups. Beyond that, we hadn't a clue.

Just to illustrate how clueless we really were;  later, a lovely young lady from Pittsburgh, Katie, who was studying at Drexel took up a spot near us. When we mentioned we had tickets, she said, "you know you're not in the ticketed area, right?" Well, no, we didn't, actually. We thought our tickets had been to get through the security line. Haha, and duh! But still, we decided to stay put, and gave her one of our tickets to see the evening part. I hope she got to make good use of it!

While we waited, we were joined by many, many other Papal parade speculators. We had looked up the parade route and thought our chances were good. The police, when asked about anything, always said they didn't know. There were state troopers from all over. The one in front of us was from, again, Pittsburgh. We saw NYPD also. They were good natured, but apparently as clueless as everyone else regarding the movements of the Holy Father.

Here was one lovely addition to our cluster of neighbors for a day:

Yes! A Pope Baby! There was another one that made headlines because the Pope stopped and blessed her, but we liked ours best. People on the other side of the divide would chant Ba-by!Ba-by! so her father would hold her up for pictures. And everyone would cheer. She remained entirely placid throughout the long day. Much more so than some of the adults...

                                   Her name is Daniela Francesca. She stole our hearts.



So, eventually, we heard the speech from Independence Hall begin and end. We were not in sight of any of the jumbotrons, so it was just kind of a blur. Music groups began to play nearby over the loudspeaker. A young girl named Jackie Evancho (13!) sang like an absolute angel. But we were all getting antsy for the arrival of the Holy Father. Time dragged. We spent some time sitting directly on the ground, some children were stretched out on blankets, asleep. But the crowds were really gathering now, and if you gave up and inch of space, it got filled. Soon, I was pressed up against the fence and Bob directly behind. I started feeling kind of claustrophobic and asked him to move back a little, I was sorry I did though, because a group of young (college age-ish I guess) girls wormed up beside us. One reached through and grabbed the railing, causing me to have her elbow planted in my ribs until I moved. I still didn't want to ruin the general bonhomie that was prevalent there by saying anything, but yeah, it bugged me. We had waited upwards of seven hours at that spot. They had just appeared and wiggled their way forward.

It began getting dark, and rows of police-escorted vehicles started going around the circle, so we knew it had to be close. It was fully dark and fully 7:00 before the shouts began that preceded the Pope's procession coming towards us. Of course, both our phones were almost dead, and now Bob had been pushed back away from the fence, so his only view was over my head.

Nevertheless, we readied our phone cameras. He came FLYING by in the lit up Popemobile. Everyone erupted in screams.

Here is how my picture tuned out:

Tragic, isn't it? I don't even know if it is right side up. I like to call it, Flying, Picasso-ish Pope.


Well, thank God, Bob got a good shot. A video nonetheless! A miracle, I tell you!

And yes, the young lady to the right is my unwilling  "neighbor" whose hand and later, fist, appear in the video. And screams. In my ear. She inserted her entire body in a two inch space. So many ways to offer things up ...

But! All the logistics notwithstanding, we were in the same airspace as the POPE! He came within FEET of where we stood! I did offer the day for all my friends and family, and know those prayers and offering were well heard by God on this special day.


We did not hang around, for what turned out to be an incredible impromptu speech given by the Holy Father. Our feet and backs just couldn't do it.  We heard it live from home, though, and it felt as if we were still there. (I  hope Katie stayed!) We did not venture to the mass either, and I am told people waited up to four hours in the lines that day. I am sure it was well worth it, but we enjoyed it from home, still exhausted from the bit we did manage to do.

I still feel it was a divine appointment. I told you all the nuts and bolts, but in the end, this Pope managed to make each one of us feel he did everything for love of each and every one of us. He radiates so much love, and well, purity I think is the word that strikes me. He never looked bored, tired, or like he wished he were somewhere else. Well, except in this meme:

Haha. But really, Aretha, Nessun Dorma? Poor Puccini. My ears!


I think Pope Francis is exactly the right Pope for our time. We may not understand it yet. But this visit made me love him as much as I love Benedict and JPII. And I feel like I can trust him now better than before. I only was hearing about him. This time, we heard FROM him and saw what he did and the love with which he did it.

   If you were anywhere near him or even watched his events, you couldn't help but feel the love.

Pardon Your Heart

I wanted to do a 7 Quick Takes on Friday, but the snowstorm on Thursday pushed all my errands to Friday, plus there is a nasty cold going around my house of which I was one of the lucky recipients. I am still coughing, sneezing and blowing my nose. And my voice has dropped an octave. I made it through work this weekend, but missed mass, Today I am trying to do some chores but also get some rest, which is admittedly not very realistic. But blogging is at least a sitting down thing, so. All that as a preface, here are some things I wanted to share.








This lovely passage from Roses Among Thorns, which I will type out, to avoid that weird box that comes with pasting text.

  Be patient with all, but especially with yourself. Do not trouble yourself about your imperfections. Always have the courage to pick yourself back up and begin again every day, for there is no better path to success in the spiritual life than always to begin again and ever to think that you have done enough.

Pardon Your Heart

We must always desire to carry out our spiritual exercises well and with precision, both prayer and the exercise of the virtues, and we must never be troubled, anxious, or surprised if we fail to do so. Our desires depend upon our fidelity, which should always be total and yet should grow from day to day; our failures are caused by our infirmity, which we will never be able to leave behind during this mortal life. When we have committed some fault, we should immediately examine our heart and ask ourselves whether we retain a lively and thorough resolution to serve God.

One hopes for a heart that would rather suffer a thousand deaths than fail to keep this resolution. We reprove our heart, "Why, then, are you hesitating now? Why are you so cowardly?" And we make our excuse,:"I was taken by surprise, and I hardly know how it happened, but now I am again thinking of my resolution." The heart must be pardoned. It is not through infidelity that it failed, but through infirmity. It must be corrected gently and calmly, that it not be brought to anger or further trouble. We should say to it, "My heart, my friend, in the name of God, be courageous. Let us walk together, taking care as we go, lifting ourselves up to our help, to our God." And, we must be charitable toward our soul, not taking it to task severely, provided we see that it is not offending purposefully. Do you not see that in treating it this way, we practice a holy humility?

It really strikes me how many times he unapologetically uses absolutes and commands; always, never, must, should. We in this present day are taught to avoid speech like that, yet if you read it and glean the message, it is anything but offensive, just clear and forthright. Yet, the message is one of having patience, compassion, and clearly seeing oneself. Which is as De Sales says at the end, the very definition of humility. Seeing ourselves as we really are.

My Lent has been full of such messages, and I do take them to heart as being straight from God. Not only as a way of dealing with myself, but also with others. The tender conversation between the person and his heart is so gentle but spot on in its message. "Okay, that thing happened, (maybe AGAIN). Let's go forward and offer it to God, asking for the grace to remember next time before we do that." Or something.  If you have kids, what a good message about correcting with patience and without rancor. That correlation of God as Father and we as parents can also be applied to our souls/hearts. 

For those of us enjoying our first tastes of Spring, hurray! Right? 

Peace, 

Kelly

Lent and the battle of guilt vs conscience

So, today, through one thing and another, I am continually reminded of my weakness. Well, not just today, but shall I say, especially today.










  Of course, Lent tends to expose my weaknesses as I try to reign them in and become more disciplined. It reminds me of cleaning closets. The more I dig in the closets, the more forgotten items come out into the light, and are now looking me in the face; forcing me to make decisions on their future. Some of these are from a time when I lived very differently than I do now. But I remember those times with gratitude, and quite a bit of awe at how God has worked.


 I am almost 11 years a Catholic, this Easter. The several years leading up to my conversion, and the first several years in, were full of grace, and a steep learning curve. I was still such a newbie, and having come from the Evangelical world, I hadn't met our friend, Catholic Guilt yet, nor even his nicer relative, Well Formed Conscience. So, as I blundered towards God, I was blissfully unaware of my foibles. I am not going to enumerate them all here. Neither you or I have that kind of time. But when I look back at that time, a few of the many positives that stand out were that I was earnest and unafraid. I did make mistakes, but I made them in the context of growth. It is my feeling that God was pleased, as a parent would be pleased at the progress of a child. The mistakes are expected and part of the growing. When children are learning to walk, they occasionally fall. When  learning to eat, they make a mess. When learning to speak,  unintelligible for a little while.

As a parent, we find all of these things endearing and kind of treasure them, as we know they will pass quickly, and our little ones will very soon grow up.

 Even as they become teens and young adults, sometimes we must stand and watch as they make larger mistakes. Maybe we aren't grinning at this point, but we are there to offer support and guidance, and of course, prayer. We have to entrust them to that same God who saw us through our own rough times.





 And so,here in the Lent of 2014, I am doing my little sacrifices and extra reading, going to confession, and just generally attempting to be more aware of God and of myself in relation to Him. As I mentioned about the cluttered closet, along with many gifts and graces, I can't help but see the junk a little clearer too. But now, folks, our buddy Catholic Guilt has caught up to me, as much as I try to ignore him and just focus on Well Formed Conscience, CG is kind of a loudmouth and not easily brushed aside.

There is always something I have not done enough of, or in the best way possible, or with the best attitude in the whole world, et cetera. I am trying to remember, that even though I have 11 years under my belt, I am not "there" yet, and still in a growing process, and will be until my last day on Earth. And remembering some of that fresh enthusiasm and delight from the earlier days, I think that maybe it is okay to forge ahead without expecting from myself immediate perfection in every circumstance. Maybe a little trust that God, in His wisdom, has laid out my path in a way that I, a garden variety sinner, can grow in holiness a little each day.


In January, I did Jen Fulwiler's Saint Generator, to choose a Saint (or have one pick me) to pray to especially this year. Truth be told, I forgot about it till now. But, I remember at the time, being pretty blown away at having gotten Saint Mary Magdalene. It came back to me today, as I am remembering a time when I was a little closer to the start, and the flood of Grace was still fresh. The amazement that God was with me in my little life, sticking in there while I blundered around, sometimes really badly, and bringing me step by tiny step, closer to Him. I remember how I always loved the verse, "He who has been forgiven much, loves much." I remember how much Christ loved Mary Magdalen, how extravagantly she loved Him, and how he gave her the honor of being the first to see Him after His resurrection.

I am reading more about her life now, and I don't think I (or hardly anyone) would be able to live the life she led after His ascension. But, she still embraced many difficult (read: impossible to imagine) earthly penances for her earthy sins, though forgiven. Her death was beautiful and surrounded by the miraculous, and she was greatly honored after she passed.


So, I guess what I am saying is, don't forget that God loves us as a father because He is our Father. If you are a parent, think about that before you beat yourself up. How much did our own parents have to deal with in our own upbringing? Or, if you are a parent and are having difficulties with a child, think of your enduring love for them, even in the worst times.

 His example of complete self-emptying love, in order that we might obtain forgiveness for our sins and go on to be happy in heaven with Him forever, was not all done so that we could turn around and berate ourselves night and day for our frail humanity. Rather, that we can acknowledge our frailty, and turn it over to the Blessed Mother and her Son, to do with us as He will. And stay the course, always in the shadow of His loving wing, trusting Him to bring us closer.

Saint Mary Magdalene, pray for us!

PATRON SAINT OF: Apothecaries, Casamicciola, Italy, contemplative life, contemplatives, converts, druggists, glove makers, hairdressers, hairstylists, penitent sinners, penitent women, people ridiculed for their piety, perfumeries, perfumers, pharmacists, reformed prostitutes, sexual temptation, tanners,(not the tanning booth kind) women
GUIDANCE: Friend and follower of Jesus. Filled with sorrow over her sin, she anointed Christ, washed his feet with her hair. Exorcised by Him. Visited by the Risen Christ.
FEAST DAY: July 22

"Wherefore I say to thee: Many sins are forgiven her, because she hath loved much."--Luke 7:47

http://catholicharboroffaithandmorals.com/Litany%20Magdalen.html

* After going back a reading over my post, a little clarification, I feel, is needed.

Having a well formed conscience is a Good Thing. What I am calling Catholic guilt, is my tongue-in-cheek way of referring to an unhealthy kind of guilt, one that accuses my every move, and doesn't lead to holiness, but only fosters confusion. And we all know who is the author of confusion. So, I am not saying God winks at sin, I am saying that He forbears with the one who wants to grow in holiness. I was simply remembering a time before I picked up a habit of allowing self accusation to cloud the workings of my conscience.
                                                                        -K

The Red Carpet Treatment

Every once in a while one of these memes hits the nail on the head.

 I believe that the amount of frustration we can experience on a daily basis  arises because we tell ourselves that we should not have to _____________, you fill in the blank. For many of us, it is our vocation -- the duties of our job, our chores at home, or dealing with the people at those places.

 well, okay, not exactly this

 Even being stuck in traffic. This happened to me the other day -- the Broad Street Run had South Philadelphia tied up in knots for hours! All I wanted to do was drive to the other side of town, across Broad, to do some shopping, and I had only a limited amount of time. Three of my girls were with me, one had a commitment that afternoon. As we painfully crept along, blocked and jammed at every turn, at least a few of us were so irritated, we could feel our blood pressure rising. It was all I could do not to just start laying on the car horn, as useless as that would be, just to let off some steam. At one point, I yelled out, "Don't  you know, people, we are going SHOPPING!" Laughing helped a little.

Really, though, the thought behind all that frustration and anger, is this:

I should not have to wait in traffic -- I should be able to go directly from point A to point B without having to deal with anyone else -- The Red Carpet should now appear and pave the way for me to get where I want to go.

 I have always referred to this thinking as the Red Carpet Treatment. You know, that scenario that goes like this: Husband arrives home after work, house is immaculate, paper and slippers are awaiting, martini is chilled, dinner is ready, children are quiet and all in their places....etc, etc.
Funny, right? ( I am not pinpointing husbands here, just using an old illustration).

But how many times do we all expect our lives to be this way, and think we deserve it?

How often do we construct that picture of How Things Ought To Be, and then feel angry when they aren't?

In our family, we have had our share of serious issues to deal with. If, at any point, we sat down and said, we should not have to deal with this, really what we would be doing is looking for someone to blame. And there were times when we could have found people to which who we could point the finger of blame. Ultimately, though, when things get bad, we are usually blaming God. He let things get out of hand. He didn't roll out that red carpet and make our lives go according to plan.

Whoops, wait a sec.

Whose plan? You mean....God didn't plan that we would have all sunny days, picnics and ponies? What's that you say? He did?  Oh. Sin. Right. Of the Original kind.

 It's not as though we have NO sunny days, picnics and the occasional pony. But we are all subject to original sin and are affected by our own and that of others. The danger in forgetting this is falling into the place where our irritation, anger and feeling of entitlement become embedded.

I am not suggesting we do not fight against evil. NOT fighting against evil is what allows it to expand it's hold on us. God has given us tools for fighting evil. The Rosary. Confession. Mass. The Eucharist. Adoration. And He has given us minds and consciences to use in the fight against evil.

 But in our everyday lives, we should not be surprised nor troubled if the red carpet never gets rolled out.  If we can stop putting ourselves on the throne for a second,

 no offense, Regis

 and let God work in us, we might be able to accept what He gives us, and see things in a different light. We might not be so easily offended or annoyed. We might have compassion for those that are called to carry the really heavy crosses in this life, and to those who are truly suffering from the evils of this world.  The less we insulate ourselves, trying to prevent discomfort, the more we are open to love the people around us and see what God is asking us to do. To see everything (and everyone) as coming from His hand.

Here are a couple of Mother Teresa's many wonderful sayings:

“Humility is the mother of all virtues; purity, charity and obedience. It is in being humble that our love becomes real, devoted and ardent. If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are. If you are blamed you will not be discouraged. If they call you a saint you will not put yourself on a pedestal.” 

 

“Let us make one point, that we meet each other with a smile, when it is difficult to smile. Smile at each other, make time for each other in your family.”

Humility and being changed

Bob and I were blessed this past weekend to be able to attend The Jesus Retreat. We spent most of our time in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament, or in praise and worship before Him, at Mass, confession -- and quite a bit of eating and a little sleeping. It was like Extreme Exposure to Jesus in a beautiful setting (Black Rock Retreat Center) and our one and only time away together since our now infamous honeymoon at the Bates Motel, er, I mean, the Globe Inn.

This is one of the songs sung during worship.

 This recording is the International House of Worship, (IHOP, I kid you not) in Kansas City, Missouri. They are not Catholic, but they do an awesome job with what they have! The Prayer Room offers prayer, praise and worship around the clock. What a beautiful, dedicated group of young people. There is a desire among the Jesus-retreatants to see a Catholic version of IHOP emerge.




Come and let Your presence fill our praise, fill our praise,
Come and let Your presence fill this place.
We have come to give You highest praise, highest praise,
We have come to love You in this place.
It’s all for You, here we are, here we are
For You are the One we want to meet
Jesus shine through all the praises that we sing


Here is what our group actually looked like:

The worship band at the retreat was every bit as good, and with good Catholic teaching and leadership, not to mention the Blessed Sacrament, you can imagine the power flowing from this place during our time there. I can honestly say that I came away changed.

My husband has not had a whole lot of exposure to Charismatic worship, but he did well, and was also blessed. We had a conversation with another retreat-goer over one of the many delicious and hearty meals (the retreat was held in Quarryville, which is just into Amish country, and the food reflected that :). this man was a convert , as I am, and also like me, familiar with Charismatic praise and worship. He had a spot-on observation; that the foundation of being able to raise your hands in praise or speak in tongues requires humility. Being willing to look foolish, to speak in a language that sounds like baby talk to others. Being willing to open ourselves up to God in the presence of others.

We were taught that worshiping publicly was something God blessed, and indeed , that was our experience. Not just an experience for experience's sake, but one that we knew was an encounter with God, which, once you have, makes an indelible mark. How could it not?

I am intensely grateful to Jesus for making a way for us to get there. I pray we will be able to go again next year, and anyone else who may want/need this, I recommend it.

So what has changed, you may ask?

 I'm going to tell you, even if you weren't going to ask.

1. Peace. It's just there. I am not worried about all the many things I usually worry about. We were prayed over by a few wonderful people, and the words they said to us were like laser-beamingly what we needed to hear. We came away knowing that the Lord cares about the things we are struggling with and the people we worry about. Did we know that before? Yes. Did we benefit from hearing the words tenderly spoken by total strangers right to the core of our hearts? You betcha.

2.  Renewed love and desire to be in the Lord's presence at Mass and Adoration. I wanted it before, but lots of things would tend to interfere. Now, I NEED it and, with His help, little will stop me. I just realize more now, how much I need Him to live, and to have any possibility of doing His will.

3. The lifting of the Perpetual Guilt Voice that ran on loop in my mind, keeping me from saying or doing things that the Lord might have wanted. One of the words spoken over me directly identified this and virtually freed me from this way of thinking. Also in confession I was given beautiful direction about this. It is like having Holy Roto-Rooter done to my spirit. The bricks were removed from my shoulders.

4. Hope. I just have higher expectations about my family, my life and future. Not expecting the Red Carpet from here on out, but just knowing how much Jesus is involved has heightened my trust that our lives are in His hands, and He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.



I am confident that He did more than I could have asked or thought, and that the fruit of this time has yet to be fully realized.

Your presence is all I am longing for

Here in the secret place

Your nearness is all I am waiting for

Here in the quiet place,

Here in the secret place

My soul waits for You alone

Like the watchmen wait for dawn

Here I’ve finally found the place

Where we’ll meet, Lord, face to face

I’ve finally found where I belong,

I’ve finally found where I belong in Your presence

I’ve finally found where I belong,

To be with You, to be with You

I am my Beloved’s and He is mine,

So come into Your garden and take delight in me

Take delight in me

Delight in me, delight in me

Delight in me, delight in me

Here in Your presence, God, I find my rest

Here in Your presence, God

7 quick disjointed takes in which the Blessed Mother makes an appearance

1.  Thanks to an incredibly lovely friend who hand delivered this book when the US mail couldn't--I am now doing the Marian Consecration with it.







It is proving to be a huge blessing. In the introduction, there is this:

 "...God is offering the people of our time a powerful and effective way to become great saints, and it's not because we're so good. Rather, it's because our times are so perilous, and God wants his mercy to triumph through Mary. So, he gives us poor, sinful souls an amazing gift -- what St. Louis calls a little known "secret":

             Poor children of Mary, your weakness is extreme, your inconstancy is great, your inward nature is very much corrupted. You are drawn (I grant it) from the same corrupt mass as all the children of Adam and Eve. Yet do not be discouraged because of that. Console yourselves and exult in having the secret which I will teach you -- a secret unknown to almost all Christians, even the most devout."

I don't know about you, but as life goes on, I am more and more aware that I am not so good, and do not have the ability within myself to become so. All help accepted.

2. I am currently on Day Eight, on which begins the section on Maximillian Kolbe. Today began a little sketch of his life. This story is included:

"...Raymond Kolbe, who in 1894 was born into a poor, Polish farming family. And from the beginning, one wouldn't have guessed he'd eventually become a great saint. In fact, one day, his mother was so frustrated with his behavior that she yelled at him in exasperation: 'Raymond, what will become of you?!' This shook the boy to the core. Filled with grief, he immediately turned to the Mother of God, asking her, 'What will become of me?'  Then he went to a church and repeated his question. The future saint recounted what happened next:

Then the Virgin Mother appeared to me holding in her hands two crowns, one white and one red. She looked at me with love and she asked me if I would like to have them. The white meant that I would remain pure and the red that I would be a martyr.

 I answered yes, I wanted them. Then the Virgin looked at me tenderly and disappeared."

If you dare to ask God direct questions and are open to His answer, whatever it may be, buckle your seatbelt. Just a heads up.

3. I occasionally like to remind myself and my dear readers why I write this blog. It is to tell my story of continuing conversion to Christ and what happened along the way. I greatly suspect there are many who can relate and who may need to hear that they are Loved by the Creator of the universe even though they may have not led an exemplary life in the past or the present. I am here to say that it is never too late to take one tiny step toward God and humbly admit the need of His help. He then takes many giant, running strides toward the penitent and proceeds to fill them with His love. That's how He rolls. (hint--story of the prodigal son...)

Another reason I blog is to witness to life and tell my story of having aborted my first child.Contrary to the popular myth of our time, this is not a healthy choice made by an enlightened modern woman who then trips merrily along with the rest of her enlightened life. Any honest woman will attest to this.

4. Lately, I have been remembering this book that I read some time ago. Most especially how God cannot be outdone in generosity, and then as I was reading the book in #1 above, I read that the Blessed Mother cannot be outdone in generosity. hmmmm---think God is sending me some kind of message? Not sure -- but if I am clobbered with a sledgehammer for being so dense I will blog about it from the ER.



5.

People I love and miss. You too, Jeff! I just really like this picture :)

6. Politics in a nutshell. Going to Hell in a handbasket. Next!

7.  Seriously--hope each and  every person who reads here has a blessed Thanksgiving! I will try to remember to take pictures and post them. Last year, we mostly looked like a gathering of the comatose. We'll try to look a little more lively this time. Maybe do photos before dinner. Anyways! I would love to see photos of some of your Thanksgiving gatherings! 

~God Bless You~

Kelly

+JMJ+

 

Change, Obedience, and Humility

 

           Our country, at this moment in history, is becoming a place I hardly recognize. America, almost by definition, is a place where a person has been free to pursue his own course, speak his mind, and above all, believe what he has come to believe as truth, whether it be to embrace a religion or not, or to be somewhere on the continuum between the two. Now, if one is not of the popular mindset, which leans away from anything traditional, God-centered, or remotely suggestive of the idea that we as humans are not the origin and center of all that is wise and good; we are ridiculed and even attacked at every turn. The scandal within the Catholic Church is held up as a reason to negate all that God has done in establishing her. I wonder, where is the scathing denunciation and pile-on lawsuits for, say, the public school? Where abuse happens in exponential quantities in comparison to the Church.

     Now the Obama Administration is legislating how we can live out our faith. Those arguments I hear in defense are so incredibly hollow, off point, and downright bitter, I am wondering who really believes all that. I have heard that it is okay to mandate religious based institutions and groups to fund the latest package of "womens services", directly, if self insured, or indirectly, through their OWN tax dollars (after all, no government money is anything but), because, "98% of Catholics practice birth control." 1. what a load of you know what THAT stat is. (Read the debunking of that here). 2. oh, so that makes it A-Ok to tread all over religious conscience, and 3. it does not address any of the other mandates, abortion or Plan B. And if I hear the term, "services" for women one more time, I may throw up. I can tell you that those "services" are indeed DIS- services to women, "assisting" them only in becoming ever less valued. Power over life and death does not belong to us, fellow women, not to men either, but only God. Remember dear Archangel Lucifer and what happened to him?

  The idea that humility is weakness is entirely backwards. It is more heroic, more taxing, more thoughtful and yes, intelligent (yeah, I said it!) to maintain oneself in humility than to go blasting about proclaiming how powerful we are over this, that and the other. No person has power over the will of God and the turning of the earth. Thank God! By the same token, it is through humility that we can actually see ourselves for who we really were created to be. And how incredibly loved by God we are even when we do not love Him back or appreciate His infinite patience, mercy and kindness toward us. To be submissive, obedient and humble before God is to indeed help ourselves realize all that not only is lacking, (because that is all our condition), but to see the good in ourselves as well. Just acknowledging that we did not originate the good, is not weakness. It is a way to tap into the life of the Trinity through sanctifying grace and realize that we as women and all people, have the power to effect change on earth that will actually lead to real freedom instead of the suffocating arm of government forcing its will upon us. God knows His rule is absolute, and yet, He never forces. He only loves. And to love means to tell the truth. To be humble means to realize the truth about ourselves; not to  put ourselves down and not to lift ourselves up, but to know the place in our God's heart that we dwell in, and to respond to that love and therefore live in His power, which transcends all earthly ones.

As I stated in the opening paragraph, this country is supposed to be, the last time I checked, a place where we are free to walk our own faith journey unencumbered. To not have our government prying open our heads to insert its own agenda. To not be so insecure that it needs to micromanage us into submission. God doesn't do that even to unbelievers. If a person wants to make a choice not to believe, they are free to do so. God is ultimately more pro-choice than the so-called pro-choicers. (who only respect your choice if it lines up with theirs). He just offers that little side benefit we like to call Eternal Life. If we will put our own agenda aside for one millisecond and find out what He is really about, He is right there to welcome us with open arms and willing to mend our broken hearts.

I for one, plan to cultivate whatever task He gives me to share His life with whomever He gives me. And if America no longer wants to allow that, then, I guess she will be having a problem with me.

God's Blessings and Peace

~Kelly

+JMJ+

Additional note taken from article cited above--a further comment by its author-
Scott, for clarity's sake: I'm not Catholic. I am a Christian and an analytic philosopher. I don't like cant and lies. This administration and their fellow travelers traffic heavily in cant and lies. Heavily exaggerated statistics are part of that program. As a purely secular friend said to me, in almost these exact words, "One reason that this is important is because the underlying message is that the Catholic views are not simply wrong but _crazy_, that they do not describe an achievable way of life." I think that was shrewd. Whether one agrees or not with the Roman Catholic Church's position re. contraception, the current liberal meme is that it is _insane_, that no one _could_ live according to those principles. The idea is to demonize social conservatives generally, with the Catholic Church serving as a kind of proxy for "everything sexual and social liberals hate." Both for that reason and for the sake of accuracy, debunking exaggerated statistics as I was attempting to do in the main post is relevant.






image source:http://img.wikinut.com/img/r3c-pwcyffzh8d9v/jpeg/0/The-barren-landscape-of-Salt-Lake.jpeg

pride and humility

I have been mulling this over for quite some time.
Yes even before the present issue that this calls to mind. I have in fact, been wrestling with the definition of humility, and how it pertains to the way we think about ourselves on a daily basis. It sinks pretty deep, all the way down to my motivations for anything and everything I do.

Bob and I were talking about it. He has been facilitating some of the meetings of The King's Men and the topic of humility was one of their discussion points.  He brought up false humility. He used the example of how sometimes, after we played music at a mass, people occasionally would come up to us and say complimentary things. If we knew we had done a decent job of it, put in many practice hours, carefully chosen appropriate selections, and still said, "no, it wasn't good", that would be false humility. It wouldn't be true. I have been taught that true humility is simply telling the truth about ourselves. We don't think we are the greatest, but yes, we like to know that we haven't assaulted ears while doing what we love. We also know Who gave us any ability to begin with. We think of what we do as a vocation.

And the more I thought about it,the more it kept bringing me back to vocation. And also the personal, Father/daughter relationship with my Lord. My vocation is as a wife and mother. I am not the greatest of either, but I keep trying, and there has been fruit. I acknowledge that all the fruit is because of His grace. I added in my 2% of willingness, and some effort, but even getting that far was motivated by not wanting to visit my past mistakes upon my family. Now that is the truth.
 I have told a bit about a  few of the more personal encounters I have had with Jesus. One of the themes common to those times was that there was an overwhelming sense of being loved and accepted. Most of those occurred during times of my life that could easily be defined with terms such as; wayward, lost, confused, or just depressed. For clarity, I wasn't obviously deserving of God's approval. However, his being God and all, He knew what I needed. He was the quintessential father, doing what fathers do best. Loving and accepting. That love and acceptance freed me enough to be able to move forward again. It gave me enough confidence to believe I could get out of the rut, even with all the many hurdles I knew I would have to clear. Even though He knew all my actions were not "kosher" yet, and wouldn't be for years, He assured me of His love.

Back to humility/pride. God made us all very different from one another. In one of my recent posts, I included a quote of Father Jacques Philippe--

For God, each person is absolutely unique. Holiness is not the realization of a given model of perfection that is identical for everyone. It is the emergence of an absolutely unique reality that God alone knows, and that he alone brings to fruition. No individual knows what his own holiness consists of. Holiness is only revealed to us by degrees, as we journey on, and it is often something very different from what we imagine, so much so that the greatest obstacle on the path to holiness may be to cling too closely to the image we have of our own perfection.  


For me, part of my journey has been being able to feel confident about myself, and comfortable carrying out the different aspects of my vocation. Even just being myself. Sound decidedly un-humble yet? But here's the thing. God made me with certain personality traits, talents and attributes. I lived for a goodly number of years in an environment in which every single thing I did was criticized. Even things I did well. When there was laughter, it was not with me, it was at me. I still look upon so much of what I do and even who I am with a critical eye. This is different from examining my conscience. It is more like assaulting my conscience. It allows for very little peace of heart.
 I believe the Lord is not going for this kind of self hatred when He teaches about humility.

The best definition of humility I've ever heard is this: "Humility is not denying the power you have but admitting that the power comes through you and not from you." If you deny the power you've been given, you lie. If you have a fine voice, to depreciate it is to show a lack of appreciation for it. If you've been given a talent for making money (and I believe it is a talent), then use it and be the trustee of it. If your talent is administration, then help things to happen. I don't believe that God is giving any talent for irresponsibility, and that is what we are showing when we fail to recognize, appreciate, and use the talent that we have been given.
-Fred Smith

Part of who He has made me to be is: 1. a leader;  2. something of an analyst; 3. a musician; 4. an advocate; 5. someone who desires to transmit His love and mercy, and 6. someone who likes to make numbered lists. Just to name a few. But if I am afraid to lead, or second guess myself into oblivion, wondering if it is too strong or forceful looking; or if I am too timid when I go to sing, and don't do as well as I am able, for fear of looking too diva-esque, is that somehow more glorifying to Him?

I think that we are allowed, nay even expected, to be the best of who He has made us. He knows we will do life imperfectly. But if we have our motivations and vocation in mind, our mistakes will be more failures than outright sins.

I am trying to allow room for a certain comfort and happiness in my life. By this, I do not mean narcissism or license.  But rather an appropriate expression of whatever He has given me, with all thankfulness. I don't think He intends that our quest for holiness become a constant drag and heaviness, clouding all we do with uncertainty.

I believe it is possible to move forward with confidence. We know where our power comes from, we know that if  "Jesus I trust in You" is the prayer of our hearts, then we won't go too far off course.


There is a difference between meekness and weakness. Not every person was created to be shy and retiring.


Mother Angelica went up against some high ups in the Church ---http://www.catholictradition.org/Mary/fatima43.htm---she was famous, on TV, had a "following", didn't mince words, and fought against what she saw going wrong in the Church.

 God has endowed us each with a unique part in the advancement of His kingdom. He did not use any cookie cutters.

when in doubt, do dishes

I have had a pretty wide range of jobs outside the home over the years. Being trained as a musician will often lead to that.  Among other things, I have been; an exercise instructor, a cake decorator, a telemarketer, a sales office receptionist, a medical office receptionist and  a temp in a law office (language-wise this was like being in a foreign country).

About eight years ago,  I began working in direct care of the disabled. I was a "teacher" in a day program for severely disabled adults. The disabilities were physical and mental, and each person in my class had multiple disorders. More than half were in wheelchairs, and many could not feed themselves. Our days, as staff, were split between caring for their personal needs, and doing activities. My classroom stressed art and music.  I would get out the little rhythm instruments and play my guitar and we (mostly me) would sing songs. We also would do hand over hand art projects. 

This job required a good amount of training. At the beginning, I was overloaded with gobs of information, and as an apprentice, had to rely on almost minute by minute instruction. Often I wouldn't know what to do with myself, and not wanting to appear useless, I would go over to the sink and wash dishes left  from the snacks and lunch. Later, when I had the opportunity to train the newcomers, they often would wash dishes while the rest of us did the more skilled jobs. This always brought to mind Brother Lawrence-

He described his days in the kitchen washing dishes and seeking to discover “The Presence” even in the pots and pans. He writes:

The time of business does not with me differ from the time of prayer, and in the noise and clatter of my kitchen, while several persons are at the same time calling for different things, I possess God in as great tranquility as if I were upon my knees at the blessed sacrament.

                                  (Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God, page 22)

There is something inherently grounding, peaceful and humble about the washing of the dishes. Often, when I have roughly forty seven tasks waiting to be done in the house, I begin with the dishes. It helps me get my head together. Maybe it is the soul's reminiscence of the waters of baptism. The little baptism of the hands sets the stage for the renewal of my day. The tasks that come after have a new light shed upon them, and I am less likely to forget my Lord.

When I am in any moment of decision, if I say to myself, "when in doubt, wash dishes", I can start at the basic, foundational place of humility. 

A pretty good place to start.  I think Julie Andrews once said that.