In which I ruminate. A bit.

As a bit of a follow-up to yesterday's "Why-I'm-Not-Posting-post," I would like to add this tidbit:

If I was observing my life and my reaction to it with some objectivity, I would have to say that although I am having moments, hours, yes, even days of overwhelming anxiety, this state is not controlling me. I am somehow able to acknowledge these feelings and still carry on. Still laugh, clean the house, entertain, play Candy Crush, bake Christmas cookies, and shop. Definitely shop. But that's another story. Still, there are things I am having trouble doing, and things I cannot do. My brain, some days, is as functional as scrambled eggs. Still, I notice a difference from the Rough Days of the past and those of the present.

I can only give credit to God's grace

, and to my family, for being understanding and supportive. It is quite touching, really. Part of it, I think is just age and experience. And an understanding that anxiety, itself, has a tendency to amplify and distort a situation that will likely change on its own, without any help from me. It is helpful to remember Ecclesiastes, that there is "nothing new under the sun."

 Adding to my distress, is the responsibility I bear for it. Which I recently took to confession, and rightly or wrongly, was basically told I did not make a good confession. That's what I get for going to a different confessor, I guess. My usual one has context. Oh well. I received grace, whether or not I made a textbook confession, my intention was good.

Lastly, in this rambling gathering of words on a page, is that Bob and I are blessed to be going to the Jesus Retreat again this year. Any inclined to do so, please keep us in your prayers, that we come away with more of Him and less of us.

God Bless you, and best wishes for a happy, healthy new year!

a rainy Sunday night

Yes, last night was a bust --just too tired.

On this rainy Sunday, I offer you my list of Thanksgiving.

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I am thankful tonight for:

1. The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, and especially the blessing and grace to have a TLM nearby, and that I am able to make it there now.

2. The Sacrament of Reconciliation. The grace to have that place to physically run to and spill out my worst moments and receive grace and love in return. And learn humility.

                                                                                    
 3. The lessons God teaches me personally, always with love.

4. The sound of my kids laughing.

5. All the comforts I have, though I know better than to cling to them, I appreciate them nonetheless.

6. Rainy Sunday nights.

7. A goofy kitty to love, and who does his job well. No mice!

8. A good husband.

9. The grace to not feel as though I am too old to have dreams and think about what I want to be when I grow up.

10. Good books.

11. A nice cup of hot tea, brought to me by the Good Husband.

12. Having my kids, their respective other halves and my grandson to love.

13. Music, gardening and cooking

14. Dear friends.

Humility and being changed

Bob and I were blessed this past weekend to be able to attend The Jesus Retreat. We spent most of our time in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament, or in praise and worship before Him, at Mass, confession -- and quite a bit of eating and a little sleeping. It was like Extreme Exposure to Jesus in a beautiful setting (Black Rock Retreat Center) and our one and only time away together since our now infamous honeymoon at the Bates Motel, er, I mean, the Globe Inn.

This is one of the songs sung during worship.

 This recording is the International House of Worship, (IHOP, I kid you not) in Kansas City, Missouri. They are not Catholic, but they do an awesome job with what they have! The Prayer Room offers prayer, praise and worship around the clock. What a beautiful, dedicated group of young people. There is a desire among the Jesus-retreatants to see a Catholic version of IHOP emerge.




Come and let Your presence fill our praise, fill our praise,
Come and let Your presence fill this place.
We have come to give You highest praise, highest praise,
We have come to love You in this place.
It’s all for You, here we are, here we are
For You are the One we want to meet
Jesus shine through all the praises that we sing


Here is what our group actually looked like:

The worship band at the retreat was every bit as good, and with good Catholic teaching and leadership, not to mention the Blessed Sacrament, you can imagine the power flowing from this place during our time there. I can honestly say that I came away changed.

My husband has not had a whole lot of exposure to Charismatic worship, but he did well, and was also blessed. We had a conversation with another retreat-goer over one of the many delicious and hearty meals (the retreat was held in Quarryville, which is just into Amish country, and the food reflected that :). this man was a convert , as I am, and also like me, familiar with Charismatic praise and worship. He had a spot-on observation; that the foundation of being able to raise your hands in praise or speak in tongues requires humility. Being willing to look foolish, to speak in a language that sounds like baby talk to others. Being willing to open ourselves up to God in the presence of others.

We were taught that worshiping publicly was something God blessed, and indeed , that was our experience. Not just an experience for experience's sake, but one that we knew was an encounter with God, which, once you have, makes an indelible mark. How could it not?

I am intensely grateful to Jesus for making a way for us to get there. I pray we will be able to go again next year, and anyone else who may want/need this, I recommend it.

So what has changed, you may ask?

 I'm going to tell you, even if you weren't going to ask.

1. Peace. It's just there. I am not worried about all the many things I usually worry about. We were prayed over by a few wonderful people, and the words they said to us were like laser-beamingly what we needed to hear. We came away knowing that the Lord cares about the things we are struggling with and the people we worry about. Did we know that before? Yes. Did we benefit from hearing the words tenderly spoken by total strangers right to the core of our hearts? You betcha.

2.  Renewed love and desire to be in the Lord's presence at Mass and Adoration. I wanted it before, but lots of things would tend to interfere. Now, I NEED it and, with His help, little will stop me. I just realize more now, how much I need Him to live, and to have any possibility of doing His will.

3. The lifting of the Perpetual Guilt Voice that ran on loop in my mind, keeping me from saying or doing things that the Lord might have wanted. One of the words spoken over me directly identified this and virtually freed me from this way of thinking. Also in confession I was given beautiful direction about this. It is like having Holy Roto-Rooter done to my spirit. The bricks were removed from my shoulders.

4. Hope. I just have higher expectations about my family, my life and future. Not expecting the Red Carpet from here on out, but just knowing how much Jesus is involved has heightened my trust that our lives are in His hands, and He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.



I am confident that He did more than I could have asked or thought, and that the fruit of this time has yet to be fully realized.

Your presence is all I am longing for

Here in the secret place

Your nearness is all I am waiting for

Here in the quiet place,

Here in the secret place

My soul waits for You alone

Like the watchmen wait for dawn

Here I’ve finally found the place

Where we’ll meet, Lord, face to face

I’ve finally found where I belong,

I’ve finally found where I belong in Your presence

I’ve finally found where I belong,

To be with You, to be with You

I am my Beloved’s and He is mine,

So come into Your garden and take delight in me

Take delight in me

Delight in me, delight in me

Delight in me, delight in me

Here in Your presence, God, I find my rest

Here in Your presence, God

7 quick takes; Last- Friday- of- Lent style

1. Confession. Do you like it, love it; or fear and  avoid it?  Why?

I consider myself blessed to have gotten a good start with it. I was not raised Catholic, so I never had any childhood experiences, or any erroneous information regarding it. My approach to the Sacrament as a convert has been to see it as a place of refuge and hope. I definitely have grown in my practice and understanding, and doubtless have a ways to go yet, but to me it is one of the Church's most beautiful gifts.

2. Examination of conscience. Do you do it? When? Ten minutes before confession? I used to, or maybe twenty minutes.One of my Lenten goals was to do this nightly, and write it down, so that when I went to confession, I would not have to rely on my faulty memory, or forget how often I committed certain sins. It made my confessions much more productive, and I wasn't adding another sin by not having proper respect in approaching the sacrament.

3. I recently learned about this method of examination of conscience. It is a Trinitarian examination, given by a Franciscan friar to a friend-

1. Thank God the Father for anything in the day.
2. Tell Jesus about the sins you committed. The previous last of blessings, you may find, will put this in a right perspective, making you able to notice the great proportion of blessings to sins.
3. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you in the next day in the areas of your sins, to rely on Him and to do better.

I like it. Simple, positive and it can be as in depth or brief as the moment allows.


4.Even though I just had confession a few days ago, I hope to go before Easter. It just seems fitting. Also, if you want to partake in the plenary indulgences of Divine Mercy Sunday, (this year being very special with the Beatfication of John Paul II taking place), you need to have confession within an eight day period, either before or after. I may be able to get to confession while in Michigan visiting Meghann and Co. (so excited!) in fact, I hope to, but a good Holy Saturday confession is still in order.

5. Why all the talk of confession? We need it. The Church in Her wisdom and love for us sheep, offers it. It supplies us with the graces we need to grow spiritually. It puts us close to the heart of Jesus. Why would we not?

6. Here comes Holy Week! Love it. I like to clean house, wash windows and curtains, bake ricotta pie and Easter Bread. 

Thursday night we go to the service in which there is a foot washing at our parish. Don't love that. Then my husband, Mother in Law and I visit three churches. It's an Italian thing, I think the traditional number can also be seven. Three is enough for us. It's nice that the churches are open and offer adoration, some all night. Sometimes groups will take turns sitting vigil. We usually are home before midnight.
Friday we go to Veneration of the Cross. Our church has a relic of the True Cross.

7. Easter prep:
 I get out the Easter decorations, dust off the kids Easter baskets ,and go to Nuts for You to find neat and unusual things to put in them. I traditionally include at least one non food thing. The girls get new bath poufs, Ben, something like a ball or yoyo. Bob likes the big filled eggs, I like the little black licorice layered candies. I detest cellophane Easter grass and use either the shredded paper kind or colorful tissue paper.


Have a very special last Friday of Lent! Get to confession if you can, you will be blessed.

Peace,
Kelly

keep it down to a dull roar!

I am blessed to be at home today, and alone for a few hours. I am sitting here doing this because I have sixty-four  (or was it seventy eight?)  things to do before my daughter and her family arrive here Sunday for a short but much looked forward to Thanksgiving visit. Rest assured that the blog following that will be loaded with pictures.

But before that happens.........(drum roll).............I am finally going to start receiving spiritual direction again! It's been since Father Terry was still with us. Wow. And along with that, a bit of an overdue confession. (since Father Check left us, but in a different way.) Yes, I know we are not supposed to have favorites when it comes to confession, but..really now...fess up, you know we all do. It wasn't the only reason I haven't gone, but it was a pretty big part. So today I was sitting before the Blessed Sacrament, doing some preparation for the confession, and realized a couple things. One is that it has been six months since I have gone. That's the longest stretch since I have been Catholic. another is that it is significantly harder to examine a six month conscience. Oh, yes, of course I have been "keeping track", but it's the nuances that escape me after a certain period of time goes by.  That time period is pretty short. So after this, boy, every two weeks? Well at least once a month.

Something else became pretty clear, or unclear really. As I was praying and sitting quietly, the racket in my mind was just deafening! So to speak. If there could be silent decibels, these were on the hearing loss scale. If the Lord spoke to me, I sure didn't hear Him!  Think along the lines of a train passing two feet away. I am accustomed to my usual wandering mind, but this was something else. I even sat a little extra long (for me) to try and wait it out. No.








I am sure God did whatever work He wanted anyway. I have always found that if I take steps to progress in my spiritual life, I experience opposition. Hopefully, the step I am about to take will bear fruit.