7 not remotely quick, getting-reaquainted-again-dear-blog, takes.

Well! Here I am to wade back in to the blogging-water! Goodness, what a few months it has been. Still is being. But I have a bunch of seeds bouncing around in my brain, wanting to come out in writing. I will try not to produce a disjointed alphabet soup, but no promises.

1. Christmas.

  This year, we agreed amongst ourselves that we would cut down on gift spending. We did pollyannas, with the idea of a dollar limit so each person would get one nice gift. Smaller or handmade gifts were not regulated. So, of course a few people went over the limit. Way over. Bob took my list of three suggestions and rather than choosing one, got all three. One being a Kindle Fire, which is now attached to my hand during almost all waking hours. I try to channel it for good. I loaded on a Bible and the Roman Breviary. Hoping Lent provides me with the discipline to read them both daily. Maybe discipline should have been on my list of three, rather than those dressy shoe-boots.

2. The Jesus Retreat-

-Held at picturesque Black Rock Retreat, In Lancaster, Pennsylvania, on a snowy weekend in early January. Beside the obvious spiritual refreshment, it is, for Bob and I, a little breather away from the daily grind and from the city. If you have never been to a Charismatic function, I will tell you that there exists an expectation of an outpouring of the Holy Spirit; which is undoubtedly always there, but looked for in certain ways. This year, the way was a quiet one, very gentle. Thankfully, the spiritual maturity of the priests and leaders allowed for this, and there was no pushing, forcing or cajoling. My exposure to Charismatic prayer is limited to once a year, at the Jesus Retreat, and to private prayer. So when I had a few images appear in my mind, I did not recognize them as significant, other than maybe just for myself. I will share them here to give you foundation for what was to come after.

1. We had listened to a talk on the history of the Charismatic movement, the love of God, and the holiness of God. During silent prayer and the quiet singing of worship songs, I mentally saw this image:
My own arm vigorously throwing, in a wide arc, everything I was emotionally carrying, before the Cross of Christ on Calvary. I felt the huge effort expended, and knew that it included everything. All the guilt, real and imagined, all the worry and fear, and all the accumulated stress from my whole life -- heaved on to the ground before the dying Jesus.

Later, when Fr. Kevin was encouraging us to press into the Lord, to persevere in seeking Him in prayer, I saw myself doing the exact same motion as above, with the same hand. Only the arcing movement, this time, was opening the door of my heart, to receive the love of Jesus. I have referred to this image before, the heart of the Blessed Mother that St. John Vianney constructed, in which he physically placed the prayers of his congregation. My own heart was something like that, with a little door.




I also felt a parent-y kind of love while looking around at all the people there. If you are a parent, you know this. How the jeans crinkle at the back of someone's knees, how they wear their scarf, the way their feet turn out or in when they stand. The back of their neck. All these things bring a swell of love, and I felt that this was how God was looking at all of us, myself included. At nothing remarkable we had done, nothing especially artful or that we were trying to accomplish. Just the small details that made us who we were at that moment.


  I have learned over the years about the way God sometimes communicates with us. The textbook way to state it is that He never contradicts his nature. That is to say, that if an impression, prophecy or bit of knowledge does not jive with what we know to be true about God, from scripture or Church teaching, it is not His doing. Going in to the Jesus Retreat this year, I had been struggling with old guilt. It was eating me alive. I felt crushed, weighed down, discouraged. (You may remember my not- so- textbook confession from a previous post). This, I knew, did not have the quality that true contrition for sin has. When God corrects, it is not a heavy burden. It is an invitation to the opposite, a realization that there is a great opportunity for freedom from that sin. Yes, there can be a heaviness on the conscience, necessary to prompt us to action, but there is not a condemning quality to it.

Matthew 11:29-30

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

 During one of the prayer times, I became aware of an opening to meet with one of the seasoned prayer teams for a session of what is called "Unbound" prayer. It is just what it sounds like, prayer to help release a person from anything that may be burdening, binding, or holding them back. I spoke of this guilt I had been carrying around, and was recommended to receive this prayer with a team of two women. Now, I am no stranger to this form of prayer. Years ago, I took a course in healing prayer, and more recently, read the book Unbound. I was a little nervous, but they were extremely down to earth, gentle, and so clearly knowledgeable about the process, I was put at ease. Also very non-dramatic, which helped a great deal. God doesn't need us to glam up the works. We proceeded to very deliberately go through the events of my life. And I do mean my_life_. How patient they were! 
   
I will spare you the details, because, really, it was not exciting to the observer. But, on the inside, I know something was accomplished. Not because I came away looking or even feeling different. It's just that I know I threw that stuff at the feet of Jesus, and opened my heart anew to let him in to the deepest parts. And that He still looks at me, with all my idiosyncrasies, like a parent looks at their child, with love. I know I have been freed, because I asked to be so, and He does not give me a stone when I ask for bread.

3. The Pope and the "Charismatics."

I stumbled across this article on facebook one day. I read the comments there before clicking through to the article. I really wondered if we all read the same article. There was condescension and outright condemnation of people that are part of the Charismatic movement. The article is quite the opposite.
I was not about to jump into any sort of online comment war. But, here is how I see it.

1. I am not an immature Catholic.
2. I love and attend the Traditional Latin Mass as much as I can. I do not try to integrate any charismatic anything into it.
3. When I attend the Novus Ordo, I also do not hold hands, raise my hands in the orans posture, or anything else charismatic-y. I don't even silently pray in tongues.
4. The ONLY time I pursue activities of a charismatic nature is a). in private prayer; b). at a prayer meeting or worship session. Sometimes with the blessed sacrament present. Every time with a trusted priest leading. Always with order, sobriety, reverence.

All the Charismatic Catholics I know operate this way. Sure, I guess you could find examples of those that act otherwise.

It was just galling to read comments that directly opposed what Pope Francis said.
Okay. Now I feel better.

4. Owies.

     I have a pinched nerve and the beginnings of arthritis in my neck. Going to a good chiropractor. But I've found it has it's benefits.. Turn my head the wrong way while railing at a bad driver on the road? oops! Offer up my neck pain for that one! Praying for kids? Offer that last crunchy neck twinge! It's like a portable sacrifice.

5. New Yawk.

So, Bob's piano teacher, Josh Wright, played a dual concert with Mary Anne Huntsman last Thursday, at Carnegie Hall. Josh is getting his doctorate at U of M in Ann Arbor, Michigan, and lives in Salt Lake City, Utah. So Bob's lessons are done via Skype. Going to see Josh play at Carnegie Hall was a nice chance for them to meet, and of course, an exciting thing just for us to do.  Josh and Mary Anne have known each other since childhood. She said this onstage, by way of introduction. They grew up together. So okay, I took that in.
Concert happens. She is very good. Her bio states she has played for White House functions and foreign dignitaries. She teaches in China. Also, she is extremely glamorous. Gown-change, hair- style-change-at -intermission-glamorous. I am telling you about her, because while we watched the concert, something was bouncing around in my brain, trying to tell me something. I really wasn't listening. 

Josh played SO well. His playing stole the show. He is a good looking young man of 26. (He kept the same suit and hairstyle the entire time). He played exquisitely. He was so engaged with the music he was making, that we couldn't help be captivated, too.
Intermission. We stretch our legs. Use the restrooms. Upon coming out, This is who I think I see standing two feet in front of me.

I don't want to stare, and Bob isn't sure. The concert is an outreach to students, and it doesn't seem likely.
Okay. Second half of the concert. Something is still needling me; something familiar. Ms.Huntsman comes out in gown #2 and a change to the hairstyle. Huntsman. Grew up with Josh. Josh is Morman. Utah. Huntsman. Could it be? Some connection with that Huntsman. Mormon, from Utah? Nah!
Although...she is a polished, world-traveling, White House-performing, comfortable in the spotlight sort of girl...

So. Yes. She is the daughter of former Governor Jon Huntsman. Former Presidential hopeful Huntsman. Former Ambassador to China Huntsman. AND. She at some point dated Josh Groban. They are still friendly, and like to "support"one another at performances.

Josh and Josh

Bob and I were told to Get Out after the concert, while we tried just to get a message back to (our) Josh. No dice.Ushered out quickly and unceremoniously Not a huge deal, but the staff in Philly, thank you for treating us like we are special.


Next morning, we had a lovely breakfast with Josh and his wife Lindsey. Both just the nicest.

Bob and Josh.

I did not get really any pictures of my own in New York. My bad. It was very chaotic, and slightly overwhelming. And so, so cold while were outside, that I couldn't bring myself to take off my gloves and dig out my Kindle. 

6. Josh Wright

So you can see how creative and talented he is, here is a video Josh made. He got a lot of negative comments about the destruction of the piano. Makes me scratch my head--do these people not watch any TV or movies where lots of things are destroyed, including PEOPLE, and did they not see that the piano in question was barely being held together with some dental floss to begin with?

We think he is a rising star and wish him all the best. His wife is also a player/teacher of piano, super accomplished in her own right. Imagine the children of these two someday!

7. The Way

My new drug of choice Kindle also has Netflix on it. Father McDermott, who also blessed us with his teaching at The Jesus Retreat, spoke of walking the Camino. He carried the movie, The Way with him to lunch. Intrigued, a few days ago, I saw that it was on Netflix, and watched it. I really liked it, and stayed up way too late looking up "El Camino de Santiago." Thinking it would be a really neat thing to do. It's not remotely practical, but I'm not one to rule out something just because it seems unlikely. Or impossible.

 So, who's in?

just keep swimming.

I know the storm will eventually die down. I know I am in the palm of His hand, as are all my family members as I have asked Mary to keep us all there. I know nothing has befallen us except that which is common to man, so I am not alone in this particular trouble. I also know that in the midst of great suffering lies great grace.

So, my prayer for today is to apprehend that grace and put it to full use.


And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
Romans 5:4

At the Jesus Retreat, we heard a homily that explained how it is not guesswork when we have hope in Jesus, because He has proven Himself faithful already. Not like hoping for good weather or a winning lottery ticket. A good word for my present trouble.

I dearly want to resume blogging about topics other than my current struggles. I can't really spell it out online, as cathartic as it may be for me, it would be very anti-HIPPA. As well as not kind or proper for me to air details of someone else's difficulties.

So, on that note. Or this one,

                                                                                    

                                                               I leave you for now.

Peace, 

Kelly

In which I ruminate. A bit.

As a bit of a follow-up to yesterday's "Why-I'm-Not-Posting-post," I would like to add this tidbit:

If I was observing my life and my reaction to it with some objectivity, I would have to say that although I am having moments, hours, yes, even days of overwhelming anxiety, this state is not controlling me. I am somehow able to acknowledge these feelings and still carry on. Still laugh, clean the house, entertain, play Candy Crush, bake Christmas cookies, and shop. Definitely shop. But that's another story. Still, there are things I am having trouble doing, and things I cannot do. My brain, some days, is as functional as scrambled eggs. Still, I notice a difference from the Rough Days of the past and those of the present.

I can only give credit to God's grace

, and to my family, for being understanding and supportive. It is quite touching, really. Part of it, I think is just age and experience. And an understanding that anxiety, itself, has a tendency to amplify and distort a situation that will likely change on its own, without any help from me. It is helpful to remember Ecclesiastes, that there is "nothing new under the sun."

 Adding to my distress, is the responsibility I bear for it. Which I recently took to confession, and rightly or wrongly, was basically told I did not make a good confession. That's what I get for going to a different confessor, I guess. My usual one has context. Oh well. I received grace, whether or not I made a textbook confession, my intention was good.

Lastly, in this rambling gathering of words on a page, is that Bob and I are blessed to be going to the Jesus Retreat again this year. Any inclined to do so, please keep us in your prayers, that we come away with more of Him and less of us.

God Bless you, and best wishes for a happy, healthy new year!

Humility and being changed

Bob and I were blessed this past weekend to be able to attend The Jesus Retreat. We spent most of our time in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament, or in praise and worship before Him, at Mass, confession -- and quite a bit of eating and a little sleeping. It was like Extreme Exposure to Jesus in a beautiful setting (Black Rock Retreat Center) and our one and only time away together since our now infamous honeymoon at the Bates Motel, er, I mean, the Globe Inn.

This is one of the songs sung during worship.

 This recording is the International House of Worship, (IHOP, I kid you not) in Kansas City, Missouri. They are not Catholic, but they do an awesome job with what they have! The Prayer Room offers prayer, praise and worship around the clock. What a beautiful, dedicated group of young people. There is a desire among the Jesus-retreatants to see a Catholic version of IHOP emerge.




Come and let Your presence fill our praise, fill our praise,
Come and let Your presence fill this place.
We have come to give You highest praise, highest praise,
We have come to love You in this place.
It’s all for You, here we are, here we are
For You are the One we want to meet
Jesus shine through all the praises that we sing


Here is what our group actually looked like:

The worship band at the retreat was every bit as good, and with good Catholic teaching and leadership, not to mention the Blessed Sacrament, you can imagine the power flowing from this place during our time there. I can honestly say that I came away changed.

My husband has not had a whole lot of exposure to Charismatic worship, but he did well, and was also blessed. We had a conversation with another retreat-goer over one of the many delicious and hearty meals (the retreat was held in Quarryville, which is just into Amish country, and the food reflected that :). this man was a convert , as I am, and also like me, familiar with Charismatic praise and worship. He had a spot-on observation; that the foundation of being able to raise your hands in praise or speak in tongues requires humility. Being willing to look foolish, to speak in a language that sounds like baby talk to others. Being willing to open ourselves up to God in the presence of others.

We were taught that worshiping publicly was something God blessed, and indeed , that was our experience. Not just an experience for experience's sake, but one that we knew was an encounter with God, which, once you have, makes an indelible mark. How could it not?

I am intensely grateful to Jesus for making a way for us to get there. I pray we will be able to go again next year, and anyone else who may want/need this, I recommend it.

So what has changed, you may ask?

 I'm going to tell you, even if you weren't going to ask.

1. Peace. It's just there. I am not worried about all the many things I usually worry about. We were prayed over by a few wonderful people, and the words they said to us were like laser-beamingly what we needed to hear. We came away knowing that the Lord cares about the things we are struggling with and the people we worry about. Did we know that before? Yes. Did we benefit from hearing the words tenderly spoken by total strangers right to the core of our hearts? You betcha.

2.  Renewed love and desire to be in the Lord's presence at Mass and Adoration. I wanted it before, but lots of things would tend to interfere. Now, I NEED it and, with His help, little will stop me. I just realize more now, how much I need Him to live, and to have any possibility of doing His will.

3. The lifting of the Perpetual Guilt Voice that ran on loop in my mind, keeping me from saying or doing things that the Lord might have wanted. One of the words spoken over me directly identified this and virtually freed me from this way of thinking. Also in confession I was given beautiful direction about this. It is like having Holy Roto-Rooter done to my spirit. The bricks were removed from my shoulders.

4. Hope. I just have higher expectations about my family, my life and future. Not expecting the Red Carpet from here on out, but just knowing how much Jesus is involved has heightened my trust that our lives are in His hands, and He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.



I am confident that He did more than I could have asked or thought, and that the fruit of this time has yet to be fully realized.

Your presence is all I am longing for

Here in the secret place

Your nearness is all I am waiting for

Here in the quiet place,

Here in the secret place

My soul waits for You alone

Like the watchmen wait for dawn

Here I’ve finally found the place

Where we’ll meet, Lord, face to face

I’ve finally found where I belong,

I’ve finally found where I belong in Your presence

I’ve finally found where I belong,

To be with You, to be with You

I am my Beloved’s and He is mine,

So come into Your garden and take delight in me

Take delight in me

Delight in me, delight in me

Delight in me, delight in me

Here in Your presence, God, I find my rest

Here in Your presence, God

Seven quick Between- Christmas- and -New Years- takes

1. Here are a few moments of our Christmas day. 

Morning--fortunately we do not get up ultra early. We go to midnight mass and this year didn't hit the sack till an eye-watering 3:30 AM. But we still had to rouse ourselves because we had some visiting to do in the afternoon. We do gift opening one person at a time so we can all admire and properly enjoy the effort each person took in choosing each gift to give. Or in Rachael's case--making each gift . Hers were spectacular. Many of our photos turned out blurry (see the bedtime above), so I probably can't do her work justice. I will only post a few of the pics in which you can make out human forms.

 Malaika's new coat.




Ben's China cymbal. That's his ecstatic look. Really!

                                       This is also Corrie's pleased reaction. As well as Justin.


Then we went to my friend Marie's for the afternoon and evening.

I like this photo. It has nice composition. And just the right touch of silliness.

 Melissa really liked that juice.

 Marie and I have been friends since we were old enough to realize we were alive. That's a long time. No reference to age here...except that the cropping did me big favors....she still looks good in the uncropped part. I am frequently mistaken for Elizabeth...


Our family really had a lovely Christmas together. It was a couple days filled with a real closeness, bonhomie,  peace and good will toward men and all that stuff.



  2.  A few nights ago, I dreamed I was a member of Congress, and people wanted to know my thoughts about all things political.The funny part was that I wasn't entirely sure if I was a member of the Senate or the House--lol. And yet--I was addressing a group about the current GOP race, and they still listened, even though I was obviously pretty dumb.


3+4-(cause it's not that quick) We recently had some dear friends over to dinner and had a lovely evening. We discussed all sorts of things. Both our families have been and are going through some rough stuff, and the topic would make it's way back to some of the weightier issues, especially how it all fit into the light of faith. The next morning, I was thinking on it all, and a phrase I heard Elisabeth Elliot say once, (years ago when I would listen to family radio while baking my own bread, etc..) came to mind. "Do the next thing." I have so often thought of this over the years when I was overwhelmed by life and paralyzed into inactivity. I always took it to mean to keep moving forward-- by inches, if necessary. There always seemed to be at least one small thing I could do in response to whatever problem I was facing. A lot of times I would just clean the house like mad, which has a way of helping me clear my mind. I could make a phone call, try to find resources to help with said problem, and of course, pray. Not just vague prayer here, but specific requests. Like--"Lord, we do not have money for heating oil, please send help"--or, "or, Lord, I have no groceries or money until I start my new job in two weeks, please send help!" Both these specific requests were answered. One pretty miraculously, the other in a more roundabout way, but my needs were always met. The Next Thing, sometimes is a Thing that we do not want to do, or face. Sometimes we positively dread it, but know in our heart of hearts that it must be. Sometimes it involves suffering. There are so many instances in life that cause us to suffer, and within those times are the many "next things" in which God is very present in love, compassion and mercy. When we look back, we can scarcely believe the graces He heaped upon us, but yet, if possible, we avoid those times. We just are not cut out, in our natural selves, for trust. Especially that nuts and bolts kind of trust that causes us to have to rely on him for our next step, or our next breath.
Anyways--I would ask  your prayers for this dear family, our friends, who are in one of those dire seasons.


5. The March for Life is approaching really quickly. I don't think I have yet warmed up completely from last year. (high temp. of 21 degrees...). But I have a stunning red hat to wear this year.











So, I've got the really important part covered, right?






6. New Year's makes me want to clean and do house projects. Does it affect anyone else this way? It really kicks in when I take down the tree and Christmas decorations. Which is roughly around Valentines Day. If I can get away with it.


7. I probably mentioned the Jesus Retreat in my last post--so excited for a couple reasons. One is that Bob and I will get away for the first time since our quasi-honeymoon. There is a tiny chance we will not be able to go---so pray for us and for my poor mother in law, who is in terrible pain from severe arthritis. I'll be fine if we have to miss, but if at all possible, I would rather go!

In case I don't get to post again before  I am back pounding away on my steno machine for school, and we are all back to the grind, here's wishing and praying for all (both?) of you, my dear readers.

Peace, Joy, and General Goodwill!

Kelly

+JMJ+

7 Quick Advent Takes, or, I'm free!

1. I am "off"(in a way)--from school until after Jan 1st. Hooray! Well, except that I have to turn in a grammar test. Oh, and learn two chapters of theory. Oh, yes, and practice enough to stay up to speed. And actually get up to speed. Oh well. At least I don't have any school for two weeks...(?)

2. By some miracle I have been able to do most of my shopping, get some decorating done, and make several batches of cookie dough put in the freezer. Rachael was a big help with most of that list. But I think knowing I wasn't going to have much time due to school and other responsibilities forced me to think about things a little more thoroughly than usual. So I guess that saying that says something about asking a busy person if you want something done really is true. Especially a busy person that has a hard time saying no. And Super Especially a busy person that thinks it's always possible to squeeze in One More Thing. Here is my grandson. He apparently is a hard core cookie maker and requires stripping to the waist to really get into it. Rest assured in our house, we are not as progressive as he. A comforting thought for all our friends and fam.


3. My husband plays piano, (if you haven't read here before)--and recently made a You Tube recording of Rhapsody In Blue. With it, he entered a contest sponsored by Music Minus One. He could win $1000, if chosen. To be in the running for the prize, he has to be voted into the top ten by the public. So, public, if you don't mind too much, please vote for him! Besides--he actually is good! Listen--






--you can give him as many as three votes!--go here-- and type Seppy in the search box.

4. Hope everyone is having a Blessed Advent! We got out our Advent wreath, but didn't manage to buy the candles for it until the second week. And then forgot to light them each Sunday. And I couldn't find where I had put the prayers. (what was that I was saying about the busy person thing?) Then, when my eldest son whom we rarely see, came for a visit, I lit three, because they are pretty, and it WAS Gaudete Sunday...
I think Malaika took her Advent calendar with the daily chocolate in her room to avoid anyone stealing from it for a snack--who knows she may be reading it daily on the appropriate day--or SHE may be randomly snacking on it...

Anyways, haphazard as it may be, I am looking forward to His coming, and thankful for all He is doing in our lives.


5. As a Christmas present to me, my husband is giving me a weekend at The Jesus Retreat! I just became aware of it, and it is happening the first weekend of the New Year (Jan 6, 7 &8). Of course he is going too, and we are stoked! It's held at the beautiful Black Rock Retreat Center in Quarryville, Pa. I think the registration is closing soon, but take a look.

6.We still have many prayer needs in the fam. My Corrie is facing lots and lots of challenges, from within and without. She is being evicted from her present apartment if they don't settle their delinquency by the 31st.  Melissa has housing issues as well, and also some spiritual issues going on.  Daniel (the son mentioned above) has so many responsibilities for a young man of  24, some foisted upon him. I bear some of the responsibility for it, though I don't understand the entirety of why he remains there, now that he has the ability to change it, I still ask your prayers for him. All seven need prayers for one thing or another, Meghann and her little fam., Daniel, Corrie, (and boyfriend Justin), Melissa, (and I'm not sure of his status-Adam) , Rachael, Ben and Malaika--also Bob and I.  I am so grateful for any of you who include us in your prayers. My overarching prayer is that we all end up with the Lord in heaven. Though it would be nice to live lives on earth that include and glorify Him.

7. It is nice to be able to listen to music with words! While I practice on my steno machine, I play music, but it can't interfere with my thinking, so it has to be instrumental.(okay, well yes it is true that it doesn't take much to interfere with my thinking)  So as I write this here is what I'm listening to--




Bob, Rachael, Justin, Steve (our newest member, a bass) and I hope to include this in our music for January's Pro life mass at Saint John's in Center City Philadelphia. We are told our new Archbishop, Charles Chaput, may be there! How exciting!


While not making any promises, I hope to blog a bit more in the coming days. But the meantime, have a  wonderful remainder of the beautiful latter days of Advent.

Peace and Joy!

Kelly