Alleluia, Randall Thompson

This was done so beautifully by the schola at Holy Trinity TLM today. This rendering is slightly similar. I think ours had more intensity and dynamic variation.

We heard it at communion, what a beautiful accompaniment. No comparison to songs like Gift of Finest Wheat, or One Bread, One Body.


If you would like to know more about Holy Trinity, check out the link on my sidebar.

7 quick TV, movie and book recommendation takes

1. As I mentioned in last week's 7-some-kind-of-takes post, I recently watched the movie, The Way.
I so recommend it, in fact, I want to watch it again and see if I can get Bob hooked too. I already snagged Corrie into wanting to go and do it. I hope before we are too decrepit. All are welcome!

2. I also watched the movie Lorenzo's Oil. I think Manny suggested it? Manny, the reader of 1000 books a year, or something. The movie is about a real story of a boy who comes down with a rare disease, adrenoleukodystrophy (ALD). His parents research and find a treatment that later becomes an accepted treatment for the disease. Of course I went and read up on the real people. Apparently, the father was not overly thrilled with every choice made by the film maker, such as the choice of actor (Nick Nolte) and his affected Italian accent. I thought he was very good, not having a high standard for Italian accents. His wife is played by Susan Sarandon.
 Some situations in the movie, and in the real lives of this family, were not very storybook. If the quote was correct, the father said he would have opted to abort the boy if he had known how much he would suffer. Given his actions during his son's life, I am not sure if that was a reactionary statement or what. Even knowing that, I believe the film has value. The father was given an honorary medical degree for his research, and his treatment is still used for that disease, and other neurological diseases. I thought it was well done, and life affirming.

3. I am currently semi-addicted to three TV shows. In order of addiction:
---Downton Abbey. Yes, yes, it's all the rage now, but I have been watching it with rabid-fan-hunger, great interest since the first season. The last season and this are supposed to be bringing the story line through the roaring twenties and reflecting the changed in thinking for the British aristocracy. I have no idea how accurate it is, but I read that the costumes are quite on point. They are definitely beautiful to behold. I do have a feeling that they are sneaking in some social issues from the present
day, in order to keep the excitement level high, add some sensationalism, and keep the viewers coming back. For some of us, who were perfectly happy with the acting and nicely flowing British banter, the addition of nonstop social issues is not a nice one. I know I went to this show to get away from that sort of thing. I have already read that some die hard fans have quit watching. I am not quite ready to go there, because, as I said. Addiction. Also, I read a few hints and accidentally, one spoiler, that gives me some hope.
 I remember also liking Call The Midwife, but I found the way they portrayed abortion to be a little too painful. I still think it is probably a good show, but I have been trying to watch TV for relaxation and pleasure, and that was a bit too raw. I am still watching news, but that may go too, at least during Lent.You know, going for some kind of stillness.




--Parenthood. This is not one that I would watch with my kids. What I do like about it is the way the Bravermans (little Willie Loman going on there, whatever that is called) battle through all of life's twists and turns together. This setting, unlike Downton Abbey, is the right vehicle for all manner of family and child raising issues. The realism depicted is not one I would really like to have to constantly explain to kids, especially very suggestionable kids. But I do think it is well written and acted. I am not quite as addicted to this show, but I do somehow get around to watching all the episodes On Demand to find out what happened. And all the characters are so darn attractive. The kids are a-dorable, especially Max, who has Asperger's Syndrome.  Interestingly, Ray Romano also stars, and his character is discovering, in adulthood, that he also has Asperger's.






4. On my new Kindle Fire, given to me by my dear husband who clearly didn't know what he was getting himself into, there are many and sundry ways to read books for free. (h/t to Meghann and Marie). The offerings on these sites is kind of hit and miss, and I have this thing that makes me want to finish a book to see how it ends, even if it's bad. That aside, I came upon an author I really like.

 William Landay is a lawyer, and he depicts the legal process with detail, but not tedious detail. (The whole reason I like to watch the last fifteen minutes of Law and Order). Love those courtroom dramas, but only if they have some realism. The way he paints his characters causes the reader to either like, hate, or suspect them, and then in the end, WHAMMO, we were wrong! If you read very many suspense thrillers, you will know that one can usually work out the ending by the end of the first chapter or two. Not this time! He has another book out, but I am currently reading a couple others and haven't gotten around to it yet.


5. Stay with me now, these next couple are not sort of Universally Appealing. But I have my reasons.

The Incredible Dr. Pol. Initially I started watching this because I thought Malaika would like it, as she has expressed a desire to someday become a veterinarian. Then, I saw that he lives and practices in Michigan, which to me is fascinating. Then, I just liked it myself, even when Malaika wasn't around to watch. Warning: not the greatest show for snacking while watching. Some really real reality.
I love his sense of family and community. The people are the opposite of the Parenthood cast; first of all, real, and secondly, not polished or fixed up for the camera. Dr. Pol, who I believe is about 71, goes about shirtless during some of his farm calls. He's a vigorous, healthy guy and gives us hope for being 71, some very long time from now. Of course, most of us don't work like he does, but still. He has another doctor working with him, Dr. Brenda, who is pretty amazing in her own right. Summary:Wholesome of message, slightly gory of image.

6.     

The Dog Whisperer. Now understand, I don't even have a dog. That alone says something for the show. Yes, I would like to own a dachshund or two someday, when I have that house and land I go on about, but I am not watching solely to become educated on doggy psychology. It's the people psychology that Mr. Cesar Millan teaches I find so interesting.

Also interesting is that both he and Dr, Pol are immigrants. Dr. Pol, from Sweden, and Mr. Millan, from Mexico. (Obv, I know).

And of course I went and read up on Cesar Millan. Turns out he went through a divorce during the course of filming his many seasons of The Dog Whisperer. If you watch certain episodes, he does talk about it, and to his credit, if he is being truthful, he is not flippant or dismissive about it, and reveals that he went through a period of depression and suicidality. I respect him for his candidness, it doesn't appear that he said those things to be sensational, but just to add his humanity to the person we see on the show.

One definitely gets a Zen feeling from him,  and a bit of New agey-ness. But some of the stuff he says is really profound and solid in a universal way. For instance: if the activity happening around dog he is working with distracts, upsets, or causes the dog to display his problem behavior, Cesar always says, "this is good, it is an opportunity to learn." Exposure therapy, more or less. The owners usually have spent considerable time and effort to shield the dog from all it's triggers, and Mr. Millan shows up and takes them through all of them, sometimes multiple times in a row. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly the dog responds. The owners often take a little longer. It really makes you think! He also talks about "calm, assertive energy." That dogs pick up on how we feel and react more to that than what we say or do. I think there is wisdom in that, not in a hocus-pocus sort of way, but more for a call-upon-our-inner-Jesus-resource kind of way, that could be helpful in many more ways than relating to the animals in our lives. In a word, trust. That's how I filter it, anyways.

7. Okay. Last up, and either least or most controversial, depending on your perspective.

Fox News. I don't even need to link to it, because you either watch it all the time or have it blocked.

I do watch, and mostly like the channel. There are some loud detractors, but the number of likers far outnumbers the number of haters. The haters are just more vocal. (News coverage of the six protestors at the March for Life, numbering at a quarter million plus, anyone?) (in the bitter cold and snow?)

 I think we get much more of a scope of news. Things that other networks won't touch. Many of the anchors are lawyers. They are all smart. As for likability, I would say I enjoy listening to 95%. A few just aren't my cup of tea. Megyn Kelly is my favorite, followed by Martha McCallum. The qualities that attract me most are fearlessness, intelligence, wit, and politeness in candor. I love The Five. Bill O'Reilly, we tolerate because he does a good show, but he can be a bit much.

Yes, sure, I have been accused of leaning 'too far' to the right. Whatev. My beliefs and perspective don't come from Fox News, but rather, I hear my beliefs and perspective included there, which I can't say for any other news outlet.

I do get a bit news-overloaded and stressed out from news in general, and as I said before, hope to take a bit of a break.


* I apologize to anyone who read this the same day I posted, (Friday). I think when I added in that clever moving picture of Maggie Smith, My paragraphs got all jumbled. 

If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride

I have a kind of running wish list going. For varying reasons. I think I have this perfected image of myself and the way I would like my life to be. I keep it up on the highest shelf in my brain, and bring it down occasionally to dust it off and tweak it a bit.  All this happens in one flash of mental imagery; not quite so methodical as I made out.


So. Before you think I may need to call someone--

--here is my  current list.

1.

A.The ideal.

A well balanced Catholic life. Full of closeness to God. Discipline in devotional prayer and frequent mass and adoration. Accurate levels of conscience-induced discomfort and well thought out
examination of conscience. Regular confession. Living my Catholic life in an attractive, joyful way, so as to preach the gospel without words. Uncomplaining, unflinching service.










B. The reality.

 Desperate prayers and muttered cries for help. Three Hail Marys in place of a whole Rosary. Plodding through my days looking frazzled and distracted. Grumbly, (at least on the inside), Oh-bother service.
On-the-go prayers. Reading of the Divine office, but skipping ahead to see how long it will be. Vague feeling of guilt. Watching TV in the evenings, or reading a book instead of doing an examination of conscience. Remembering sins after confession.


2.

A. The ideal.

A smoothly run household with planned, healthy, meals, regularly cleaned, and no unidentifiable smells.  No piles. Projects, once begun, completed quickly. No dust. No debt, and shaved down expenses.

B. The reality.

Everything gets done, but not before it absolutely has to. Or should have been, past tense. Meals range from all-homemade, yummy and mostly healthy, to store made, frozen, sandwiches, or pizza. The cycles go pretty much weekly.

A few times a week, I get out of bed to go look for some smell that floats up to my nose like Pepe Le Pew's scent trail. Usually, it's the litter box. But not always. Once is was a gas leak.

We are world class pile-makers. (No, don't go there, you know what I mean. Ew!) When the kids wash dishes, I often refer to the stack in the drainer as the leaning tower of Pisa. Or Dish-Jenga. And paper. I try to have receptacles for different items-- school papers, mail, etc. No dice. Now, we just have overflowing baskets with piles next to them. I follow people around, going, "do you need this?"
Our house accumulates dust in approximately four minutes. So, by the time I finish one room, the last one is dusty. Yes, I only spend four minutes dusting. What's the point?

As for expenses, too many overlapping services that are long on promise and short on delivery.

3.

A. My Dream Home/surroundings.

An older, rustic-y home with large, open rooms. A professional kitchen with an island that doubles as an eating area. Enough bedrooms to double as guest rooms and office/music/whatever rooms. Enough bookcases. Being able to rent this home, so we will never have to replace a roof or a heating system, but still have freedom to paint and interiorly-design at will. And have whatever pets we want.

 Attached to a working farm, or at least have a large enough parcel of land around the house to have a little green, people-less space. Space for gardening. Air that doesn't make you think there may be a toxic spill at the refinery. A little rectangle of space, all our own, that we can come home from a long day, or with a car load of groceries, and just pull into! If I remember correctly, some call it a PARKING SPACE. And if I wanted to get all elaborate in my wishing, then maybe even a GARAGE. whew! I wished so hard for that one I may have pulled something.

B. My actual house/surroundings.

An older, pretty spacious for a row home, row home. Mid-block. Nice size kitchen. One workable counter top area, that also happens to be in a corner, with the most-used dish cabinet above, and the coffee maker/toaster station there because of the outlet. This arrangement calls for ballet-like precision whenever there is more than one person cooking, getting dishes, or making coffee or toast. As a family, we are more along the lines of roller-derby than ballet. I have been talking about adding a small island, but so far, no.

 We have a piano in our bedroom. Digital, but still.

Try as I might, stacks of books appear with no other feasible alternative. The dining room functions as a catch-all area, only getting really cleared out for parties or holiday dinners. Or the time Ben set his drums up in there to play music with friends on his birthday.Hardwood floors. Imagine the sound level. Neighbors, thankfully, did not call the police.  His regular band plays in the basement.

                                                                          

 We have one neurotic cat.
   

                          

Outside. We live on a bus route. A veritable parade of humanity passes two feet from our door all day and night. In back, there is about a six by twelve slab of cement with a one by twelve raised bed at one end. I do all I can with that area in spring and summer.

Hang laundry, plant whatever I can, try to sit out and read and sun. I say try, because the area is walled off on three sides, the fourth side is a chain link fence and our neighbors. Well. Just can't sit six feet from people in my bathing suit and feel comfortable. That's just me.

And, yes, there actually is a refinery not far away.
And those little rectangles for putting your car full of groceries or bags of bowling balls? Nada. Nope. Fugget it. At least not within shouting distance of the front door.





So, you get the gist. You may think I am complaining here. Not so! I love our house, with all it's idiosyncrasies. And if you want to extrapolate from there, you could include it's inhabitants, ahem. I love that we are close to all the culture, especially our connection to the Academy of Music and the Kimmel Center. And, if we need medicine in the middle of the night, or cookies, they are readily available at a 24-hour store somewhere close. There are lots of conveniences, lots of really good people among the throngs and many, many churches. A rich history, and certainly lots of good food to be found. Some good schools. Good medical care.

I accept what God has given at this time. I accept the season of life. There are some parts that are harder than others, more to do with family living too far away, or family members in a time of suffering. We make our life as it is, as enjoyable as possible. But there is a certain pleasure to be had by dreaming of the scenarios I mentioned, that some part of me longs for. Especially being in the quiet of nature and having a little piece of land to putter around on.

I am a believer that God wants to fulfill at least some of our earthly desires, as long as they fit with His will for us. The whole asking for bread and not getting a stone thing. I don't believe in the gospel of prosperity, but I do believe in the gospel of God being a father who loves us. I thank Him so much every day for all He has given me, in spite of my poor attempts to serve Him. I mean that in the sense that my humanity is only capable of so much spiritual perfection, according to his grace. He loves our "poor" offerings, just as we love the noodle necklaces offered by our own children. Made with love, to the very best of their abilities. 




 I don't really consider this a problem. Just an extension of my inner person. Okay, so if my inner person is a tiny bit neurotic, God loves neurotics, too. If I learned anything at all from my Jesus Retreat experience, it's that it is okay to be on a journey, okay not to have 'arrived,' as long as I am going in the right direction.

Peace, everybody

+JMJ+

Kelly

7 not remotely quick, getting-reaquainted-again-dear-blog, takes.

Well! Here I am to wade back in to the blogging-water! Goodness, what a few months it has been. Still is being. But I have a bunch of seeds bouncing around in my brain, wanting to come out in writing. I will try not to produce a disjointed alphabet soup, but no promises.

1. Christmas.

  This year, we agreed amongst ourselves that we would cut down on gift spending. We did pollyannas, with the idea of a dollar limit so each person would get one nice gift. Smaller or handmade gifts were not regulated. So, of course a few people went over the limit. Way over. Bob took my list of three suggestions and rather than choosing one, got all three. One being a Kindle Fire, which is now attached to my hand during almost all waking hours. I try to channel it for good. I loaded on a Bible and the Roman Breviary. Hoping Lent provides me with the discipline to read them both daily. Maybe discipline should have been on my list of three, rather than those dressy shoe-boots.

2. The Jesus Retreat-

-Held at picturesque Black Rock Retreat, In Lancaster, Pennsylvania, on a snowy weekend in early January. Beside the obvious spiritual refreshment, it is, for Bob and I, a little breather away from the daily grind and from the city. If you have never been to a Charismatic function, I will tell you that there exists an expectation of an outpouring of the Holy Spirit; which is undoubtedly always there, but looked for in certain ways. This year, the way was a quiet one, very gentle. Thankfully, the spiritual maturity of the priests and leaders allowed for this, and there was no pushing, forcing or cajoling. My exposure to Charismatic prayer is limited to once a year, at the Jesus Retreat, and to private prayer. So when I had a few images appear in my mind, I did not recognize them as significant, other than maybe just for myself. I will share them here to give you foundation for what was to come after.

1. We had listened to a talk on the history of the Charismatic movement, the love of God, and the holiness of God. During silent prayer and the quiet singing of worship songs, I mentally saw this image:
My own arm vigorously throwing, in a wide arc, everything I was emotionally carrying, before the Cross of Christ on Calvary. I felt the huge effort expended, and knew that it included everything. All the guilt, real and imagined, all the worry and fear, and all the accumulated stress from my whole life -- heaved on to the ground before the dying Jesus.

Later, when Fr. Kevin was encouraging us to press into the Lord, to persevere in seeking Him in prayer, I saw myself doing the exact same motion as above, with the same hand. Only the arcing movement, this time, was opening the door of my heart, to receive the love of Jesus. I have referred to this image before, the heart of the Blessed Mother that St. John Vianney constructed, in which he physically placed the prayers of his congregation. My own heart was something like that, with a little door.




I also felt a parent-y kind of love while looking around at all the people there. If you are a parent, you know this. How the jeans crinkle at the back of someone's knees, how they wear their scarf, the way their feet turn out or in when they stand. The back of their neck. All these things bring a swell of love, and I felt that this was how God was looking at all of us, myself included. At nothing remarkable we had done, nothing especially artful or that we were trying to accomplish. Just the small details that made us who we were at that moment.


  I have learned over the years about the way God sometimes communicates with us. The textbook way to state it is that He never contradicts his nature. That is to say, that if an impression, prophecy or bit of knowledge does not jive with what we know to be true about God, from scripture or Church teaching, it is not His doing. Going in to the Jesus Retreat this year, I had been struggling with old guilt. It was eating me alive. I felt crushed, weighed down, discouraged. (You may remember my not- so- textbook confession from a previous post). This, I knew, did not have the quality that true contrition for sin has. When God corrects, it is not a heavy burden. It is an invitation to the opposite, a realization that there is a great opportunity for freedom from that sin. Yes, there can be a heaviness on the conscience, necessary to prompt us to action, but there is not a condemning quality to it.

Matthew 11:29-30

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

 During one of the prayer times, I became aware of an opening to meet with one of the seasoned prayer teams for a session of what is called "Unbound" prayer. It is just what it sounds like, prayer to help release a person from anything that may be burdening, binding, or holding them back. I spoke of this guilt I had been carrying around, and was recommended to receive this prayer with a team of two women. Now, I am no stranger to this form of prayer. Years ago, I took a course in healing prayer, and more recently, read the book Unbound. I was a little nervous, but they were extremely down to earth, gentle, and so clearly knowledgeable about the process, I was put at ease. Also very non-dramatic, which helped a great deal. God doesn't need us to glam up the works. We proceeded to very deliberately go through the events of my life. And I do mean my_life_. How patient they were! 
   
I will spare you the details, because, really, it was not exciting to the observer. But, on the inside, I know something was accomplished. Not because I came away looking or even feeling different. It's just that I know I threw that stuff at the feet of Jesus, and opened my heart anew to let him in to the deepest parts. And that He still looks at me, with all my idiosyncrasies, like a parent looks at their child, with love. I know I have been freed, because I asked to be so, and He does not give me a stone when I ask for bread.

3. The Pope and the "Charismatics."

I stumbled across this article on facebook one day. I read the comments there before clicking through to the article. I really wondered if we all read the same article. There was condescension and outright condemnation of people that are part of the Charismatic movement. The article is quite the opposite.
I was not about to jump into any sort of online comment war. But, here is how I see it.

1. I am not an immature Catholic.
2. I love and attend the Traditional Latin Mass as much as I can. I do not try to integrate any charismatic anything into it.
3. When I attend the Novus Ordo, I also do not hold hands, raise my hands in the orans posture, or anything else charismatic-y. I don't even silently pray in tongues.
4. The ONLY time I pursue activities of a charismatic nature is a). in private prayer; b). at a prayer meeting or worship session. Sometimes with the blessed sacrament present. Every time with a trusted priest leading. Always with order, sobriety, reverence.

All the Charismatic Catholics I know operate this way. Sure, I guess you could find examples of those that act otherwise.

It was just galling to read comments that directly opposed what Pope Francis said.
Okay. Now I feel better.

4. Owies.

     I have a pinched nerve and the beginnings of arthritis in my neck. Going to a good chiropractor. But I've found it has it's benefits.. Turn my head the wrong way while railing at a bad driver on the road? oops! Offer up my neck pain for that one! Praying for kids? Offer that last crunchy neck twinge! It's like a portable sacrifice.

5. New Yawk.

So, Bob's piano teacher, Josh Wright, played a dual concert with Mary Anne Huntsman last Thursday, at Carnegie Hall. Josh is getting his doctorate at U of M in Ann Arbor, Michigan, and lives in Salt Lake City, Utah. So Bob's lessons are done via Skype. Going to see Josh play at Carnegie Hall was a nice chance for them to meet, and of course, an exciting thing just for us to do.  Josh and Mary Anne have known each other since childhood. She said this onstage, by way of introduction. They grew up together. So okay, I took that in.
Concert happens. She is very good. Her bio states she has played for White House functions and foreign dignitaries. She teaches in China. Also, she is extremely glamorous. Gown-change, hair- style-change-at -intermission-glamorous. I am telling you about her, because while we watched the concert, something was bouncing around in my brain, trying to tell me something. I really wasn't listening. 

Josh played SO well. His playing stole the show. He is a good looking young man of 26. (He kept the same suit and hairstyle the entire time). He played exquisitely. He was so engaged with the music he was making, that we couldn't help be captivated, too.
Intermission. We stretch our legs. Use the restrooms. Upon coming out, This is who I think I see standing two feet in front of me.

I don't want to stare, and Bob isn't sure. The concert is an outreach to students, and it doesn't seem likely.
Okay. Second half of the concert. Something is still needling me; something familiar. Ms.Huntsman comes out in gown #2 and a change to the hairstyle. Huntsman. Grew up with Josh. Josh is Morman. Utah. Huntsman. Could it be? Some connection with that Huntsman. Mormon, from Utah? Nah!
Although...she is a polished, world-traveling, White House-performing, comfortable in the spotlight sort of girl...

So. Yes. She is the daughter of former Governor Jon Huntsman. Former Presidential hopeful Huntsman. Former Ambassador to China Huntsman. AND. She at some point dated Josh Groban. They are still friendly, and like to "support"one another at performances.

Josh and Josh

Bob and I were told to Get Out after the concert, while we tried just to get a message back to (our) Josh. No dice.Ushered out quickly and unceremoniously Not a huge deal, but the staff in Philly, thank you for treating us like we are special.


Next morning, we had a lovely breakfast with Josh and his wife Lindsey. Both just the nicest.

Bob and Josh.

I did not get really any pictures of my own in New York. My bad. It was very chaotic, and slightly overwhelming. And so, so cold while were outside, that I couldn't bring myself to take off my gloves and dig out my Kindle. 

6. Josh Wright

So you can see how creative and talented he is, here is a video Josh made. He got a lot of negative comments about the destruction of the piano. Makes me scratch my head--do these people not watch any TV or movies where lots of things are destroyed, including PEOPLE, and did they not see that the piano in question was barely being held together with some dental floss to begin with?

We think he is a rising star and wish him all the best. His wife is also a player/teacher of piano, super accomplished in her own right. Imagine the children of these two someday!

7. The Way

My new drug of choice Kindle also has Netflix on it. Father McDermott, who also blessed us with his teaching at The Jesus Retreat, spoke of walking the Camino. He carried the movie, The Way with him to lunch. Intrigued, a few days ago, I saw that it was on Netflix, and watched it. I really liked it, and stayed up way too late looking up "El Camino de Santiago." Thinking it would be a really neat thing to do. It's not remotely practical, but I'm not one to rule out something just because it seems unlikely. Or impossible.

 So, who's in?

just keep swimming.

I know the storm will eventually die down. I know I am in the palm of His hand, as are all my family members as I have asked Mary to keep us all there. I know nothing has befallen us except that which is common to man, so I am not alone in this particular trouble. I also know that in the midst of great suffering lies great grace.

So, my prayer for today is to apprehend that grace and put it to full use.


And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
Romans 5:4

At the Jesus Retreat, we heard a homily that explained how it is not guesswork when we have hope in Jesus, because He has proven Himself faithful already. Not like hoping for good weather or a winning lottery ticket. A good word for my present trouble.

I dearly want to resume blogging about topics other than my current struggles. I can't really spell it out online, as cathartic as it may be for me, it would be very anti-HIPPA. As well as not kind or proper for me to air details of someone else's difficulties.

So, on that note. Or this one,

                                                                                    

                                                               I leave you for now.

Peace, 

Kelly

In which I ruminate. A bit.

As a bit of a follow-up to yesterday's "Why-I'm-Not-Posting-post," I would like to add this tidbit:

If I was observing my life and my reaction to it with some objectivity, I would have to say that although I am having moments, hours, yes, even days of overwhelming anxiety, this state is not controlling me. I am somehow able to acknowledge these feelings and still carry on. Still laugh, clean the house, entertain, play Candy Crush, bake Christmas cookies, and shop. Definitely shop. But that's another story. Still, there are things I am having trouble doing, and things I cannot do. My brain, some days, is as functional as scrambled eggs. Still, I notice a difference from the Rough Days of the past and those of the present.

I can only give credit to God's grace

, and to my family, for being understanding and supportive. It is quite touching, really. Part of it, I think is just age and experience. And an understanding that anxiety, itself, has a tendency to amplify and distort a situation that will likely change on its own, without any help from me. It is helpful to remember Ecclesiastes, that there is "nothing new under the sun."

 Adding to my distress, is the responsibility I bear for it. Which I recently took to confession, and rightly or wrongly, was basically told I did not make a good confession. That's what I get for going to a different confessor, I guess. My usual one has context. Oh well. I received grace, whether or not I made a textbook confession, my intention was good.

Lastly, in this rambling gathering of words on a page, is that Bob and I are blessed to be going to the Jesus Retreat again this year. Any inclined to do so, please keep us in your prayers, that we come away with more of Him and less of us.

God Bless you, and best wishes for a happy, healthy new year!

Dear Blog,


I have not abandoned you. Nor am I on vacation. Just going through a bit of a rough time. Be back soon. I do miss you.


AMFL, Kelly