In which I ruminate. A bit.

As a bit of a follow-up to yesterday's "Why-I'm-Not-Posting-post," I would like to add this tidbit:

If I was observing my life and my reaction to it with some objectivity, I would have to say that although I am having moments, hours, yes, even days of overwhelming anxiety, this state is not controlling me. I am somehow able to acknowledge these feelings and still carry on. Still laugh, clean the house, entertain, play Candy Crush, bake Christmas cookies, and shop. Definitely shop. But that's another story. Still, there are things I am having trouble doing, and things I cannot do. My brain, some days, is as functional as scrambled eggs. Still, I notice a difference from the Rough Days of the past and those of the present.

I can only give credit to God's grace

, and to my family, for being understanding and supportive. It is quite touching, really. Part of it, I think is just age and experience. And an understanding that anxiety, itself, has a tendency to amplify and distort a situation that will likely change on its own, without any help from me. It is helpful to remember Ecclesiastes, that there is "nothing new under the sun."

 Adding to my distress, is the responsibility I bear for it. Which I recently took to confession, and rightly or wrongly, was basically told I did not make a good confession. That's what I get for going to a different confessor, I guess. My usual one has context. Oh well. I received grace, whether or not I made a textbook confession, my intention was good.

Lastly, in this rambling gathering of words on a page, is that Bob and I are blessed to be going to the Jesus Retreat again this year. Any inclined to do so, please keep us in your prayers, that we come away with more of Him and less of us.

God Bless you, and best wishes for a happy, healthy new year!

This is who I am

Here is what my son is busy doing.

And this.
He brought his drums upstairs to play music with friends for his 18th birthday. A modest request, in keeping with his personality. They had a nice day and evening. I am blessed with all my kids and love to see them happy.










 I am at a place in my life where I think I am finally comfortable being myself. I have not been able to say this for one reason or another since I was a kid. Oh, I don't blame anybody. In fact, I realize more and more just how blessed I am to have been able to emerge from many kinds of sin and adversity, able to live and love and bless God. To be able to get up each morning, strap on my brown scapular, look in the mirror and say, "This is who I am," without scores of qualifiers and apologies.

 I truly identify with the woman at the well. Though I still sin, I am not a slave to sin, and I have an ally in the sacrament of Reconciliation, by His grace in which I am always a work in progress.  I am not free of every fault, burden, or bad thought pattern, but I am free from the shackles of guilt, self loathing and shame. I can stand before my Father with trust that He has me in this place in my life and will uphold me as I cling to Him. 

 It is big for me to even utter those words: that I am free. Even if I sometimes have anxiety while driving, even when I agonize over the sad and scary choices of loved ones, even in all my many missteps and sins, I know this to be true. I don't have to be afraid -- of anything. As long as I am able to give God my 'yes,' (sometimes this is very easy, and other times, I have to renew my resolve hour by hour), I know I am in the palm of His hand. 

I am currently going through my twice yearly or so Marian Consecration. So much freedom comes, paradoxically, when I aspire to learn to give myself as Mary did, totally. As St. Augustine said: "It often happens, that the office of giving gives us the merit to receive." And what I so often receive is the gift of peace. You know when God is giving you a gift of peace when it is there in the midst of every kind of peace-killer, like: anything in the news, a child going through serious issues, another recovering from surgery, a friend who is battling cancer, an ill brother too far away, and various and sundry financial challenges. Lest you think by 'peace,' I mean that I float through every moment of every day on a cloud while strumming a stringed instrument and singing hymns of praise, I am not. By 'peace, I do mean a deep knowledge of God's presence and the help of the saints and angels, and trust in His love for me in each moment.

And the occasional feelings of consolation.

And definitely some singing. 

 http://www.theblaze.com/blog/2012/05/01/see-this-epic-clip-of-a-baby-singing-christian-worship-music/

                                                                                                                   

so here we are

Today, I awoke to the news of Pope Benedict's plan to resign. It made for a strange day! Of course we will go on and the Church will be fine. But it's a shaker-upper, for sure. I loved him as Papa and pray we get another with his wisdom and depth.


I left off my last installment at depression and suicidality. Sorry about that.

I want to pick up a couple years later. After I tried doing things My Way.

 "what is my way?"

Really, I was going through a process, but it took me these years, and I had not found yet how not to fall into my old patterns.

What, you may ask, made the difference? I had been a Christian for some twenty-plus years, I understood the Gospel, I read my Bible, I had experienced the filling and touch of the Holy Spirit. Why was I not able to live in accordance with that? Why were my wounds and sins dictating my actions?

The single biggest factor was that I knew Jesus, but I had not been exposed to His Real Presence in the Blessed sacrament, nor had I received Him in the Eucharist. I had the knowledge, at least most of it; I had brushes with the Spirit of God, and I had received Jesus into my heart, accepted and believed. But all that was coming from me. What comes from Him, what He offers, is Himself. He adds Himself into the equation, joins to our flesh when we receive Him in communion, and MAKES IT POSSIBLE for us to have the power to overcome the world, the flesh and the devil. Up until that, it is all effort. I wrote about my conversion more here.

I was that sheep that wandered away, and I needed Him to come and find me, which He did when He brought me to Himself in the Catholic Church. He knew I loved Him and wanted to again live as His daughter, but did not know how anymore to go about it.

If you know me at all, you know I do not bash my Protestant/charismatic roots, as I was given good teaching, guidance, love and care along the way. But I also was one of the walking wounded, by the very hands that 'fed' me. Going by the Word, the leadership of the last couple churches instructed the congregations to "have nothing to do with that one" --(have nothing to do with him, that he may be ashamed.-2 Thessalonians 3:14)-- trouble is, while I was definitely doing things that were sinful, nobody seemed to recall what I, the person, had just gone through for the last 13 years (or more), and that I was the very same person that, not that long before, was considered in good standing in the church. You know, while I was being abused,  demeaned and despairing for myself and my children.  Not to say that that verse has no meaning or no truth. If it's in the Bible, it is true.

I now know I simply did not have the tools. Jesus needed to come and get me. Praise God, He did.  I hold no anger for my previous churches or friends, but I do still occasionally feel the hurt at the lost relationships, or when the sting of being ostracized pops up here and there. I resolved not to do that to people that lose their way, nor judge their hearts. Or contribute in any way to making them feel as though God doesn't want them anymore.

This is one of the problems of the independent interpretation of scripture.

But with His help, and the glorious power of His presence within me and without, He drew me. He gave me back, music, the love of all my wonderful children, who, each in their own way, gave, and continue to give love, joy, wisdom, meaning and direction to my life. I may have played a part in giving them life, but they truly have kept me alive and loving life. He gave me a wonderful husband who loves us all.

He has not 'taken away' all depression or anxiety, insecurity or all effects of my past. I offer any small suffering to Him or ask the Blessed Mother to use them for her intentions. I am glad just to be able to be with Him, and I appreciate each day He gives me.

It is simple, but not easy. If we take that one step toward Jesus, He will take us up and go with us the rest of the way. It is not easy to have trust, humility, abandon and docility. To discipline our natural laziness, forgetfulness or self interest. To let go of our own motives. I have not mastered any of these things, but I know I can always ask for what I need.

Start by asking for what you need. Do you need the gift of faith? Do you need the desire to pray? To go to mass? Ask.

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, [then] I will enter his house and dine with him, and he with me.^*

 ^{Thanks for going through my journey with me. I hope it in some small way can touch someone who deals with depression, anxiety, lack of faith, or doubt.}

^{God Bless you~}

^{Looking forward to homemade chocolate cake for Fat Tuesday and then a peaceful, fruitful Lent!}

^{God Bless you~}

^Kelly  

fighting the good fight

So here I am on what might just be a regular Wednesday. Or maybe it will turn out to be an extraordinary Wednesday in the course of history, who knows?

                                                                   
It has been tough going these past days and weeks. Difficulties with my family, friends, myself. Ugh. Where would I be without prayer in general and the Rosary in particular? I am unable to get myself to daily mass since the advent of school, and am very fortunate if I remember to go on a first Friday. Heck, I can't even rein myself in enough to sit and say a daily Rosary.  My strategy is to start while I am in my morning shower; and finish while I dress and tidy the upstairs, start laundry and do other tasks. Occasionally, I will force myself to sit down for the last decade or so, but that doesn't happen much.

--  this is my hand knotted Rosary. I made it because it travels well. Corrie gave me the cross. which I treasure for that reason and also because Kaden broke it the first time when he was a tiny guy of about one, because I let him play with it and he swung it around, cracking the cross in two as it whacked into a wall. Ever since, if I drop it in church on the marble floors, it breaks in the same place, and I remember again how much fun he was,  running around Meghann and Jeff's cute first apartment, swinging my rosary (then beads).

Today, though, I did pray. I also cleaned house, which is the best therapy when I am feeling anxious. I did much of it simultaneously. I don't think the Blessed Mother minds. I'm sure she did her share of household chores. There is something good about adding work to prayer. There are particularly serious situations happening now that are way beyond my ability to control or even figure out. While I was praying/cleaning, and wondering what I could do, I remembered the verses about adding fasting to our prayer. So I am.
  I woke up this morning with the taste of tea in my mouth. I just kind of laughed to myself and went on, but as I prayed and decided to fast, I remembered that. So -- you guessed it -- a Tea Fast. It's not bad! It helps that Rachael baked the cake I wanted to bake today for me and is helping with dinner preparations. Cause, yeah, the growlies are starting. But, if I didn't feel the hunger, where would the sacrificial element be? So--BRING IT ON!  Haha. I say that now. It's only 3:15.
But I love to put God's word to the test. (Not God himself). He even invites us to put his words to the test, and see how faithful He is.
*note--it is now after dinner, and we ended up having my daughter and her fiance, who also brought lovely additions to the meal, so, out of COURTESY I had to eat. I am thinking of trying again tomorrow, even though I know even a partial fast "counts." Hopefully I will not wake up tomorrow with the taste of --say-- chocolate cake, cause that would be a weird fast.

You know how sometimes the strangest things can give you hope and inspiration? Right now I am reading the novel Shogun, by James Clavell. I've read it a couple times before, but it's been years. Something I find very striking is the courage and faith of the character Mariko. She is a convert to the Catholic faith, but she is also samurai. A woman's role in her world is a strange mixture of quiet subservience mixed with respect and even power. As samurai she is trained to fight and courageously defend her liege lord. She prays to the Virgin, but can wield her swords when necessary.  I feel drawn to that image; a Catholic woman, living in the modern world that is very often hostile to my beliefs, having to face difficult, often impossible situations, and occasionally having to fight against oppressors, both human and spirit.
 Another aspect of the Japanese culture, as portrayed in the book, is the ability to draw serenity and solace from the beauty of nature, during even the most turbulent experiences. The Lord Toranaga is, at one point, hemmed in by enemies and desperately casting about for a way to survive, both physically and politically. Before he makes any decision he has a cup of tea, and listens to the rain. There are scores of examples of this kind of practice in the story, and while they are drawn from an Eastern pattern of thought, I equate them with drawing my thoughts away from the present moment, and turning toward Jesus, and asking the Holy Spirit to guide me. I am looking forward to getting my back patio spruced up for summer, to provide just that kind of spot to sit and be quiet in.
Last night, after a pretty rough day full of inner distress, I looked out my bedroom window, and the full moon hung just over the tops of the houses across the street. I was touched by the beauty and singular position I had just happened to catch it, so I took this picture.

All those other orbs are my windows making crazy effects. But it was a cool moment. Take my word for it.

The other thing I am doing, besides, praying, cleaning, fasting, and not fasting, is trying to say thank you to God and to people.
Today--thankful for my health, my home, the love of my husband and children,  the beautiful weather, God's provision of our needs. For certain people knowing I needed some extra company and support. For friends that pray. For a lovely quiet morning.

Now here are the harder ones -- I am grateful nonetheless, because they are opportunities for Grace: tough financial times, illness of family members, other broken sinners who say hurtful things in hurtful ways, my own wounds being reopened, sadness,  fear, regret.  These may not provide comfort now, but they teach.


Here are a few pictures that arrived with perfect timing--unbeknownst to the senders.

Who could not feel the smile of God when looking at those?

worried much? get hope

Really, who isn't? There are times when the more dire worries recede, and we are thankful for those. My family is presently not in one of those times. I am also aware of many other families that I have promised to keep in prayer for troubles of many stripes.

Thing is, have you ever noticed, (if you don't mind the Andy Rooney lead in)  that during the really turbulent times, God is so kind to us, and allows us to just dump everything in His lap? Who else really wants that? Of course our loved ones pitch in and suffer us when we are crying in our soup, but the Lord, our Blessed Mother, the angels and saints, and anyone else on the heavenly HR team actually ~love~ when we bring them our woes. And when we say, "I give up! I can't do this!"- Watch out!, heavenly par-tay!

Well, if you are anything like me, you will recognize that it is easy to forget God.  During times of trouble, He has my attention much more; and I need to keep talking to Him just to get through the day. (think He has some strategy there?)

Here is what we heard at mass yesterday.

The Greek word for worry or anxiety means "to have a divided mind."  When we are anxious, the hope in God that we store in our mind is shaken and results in divided thinking.

And-the ancient Christian symbol for hope is the anchor. Something that pulls us down to our foundation, to one fixed spot, preventing us from being washed away.

Here are Father's three things with which to fill our minds and anchor us back to Christ;

1. Reflect on Christs past. Meditate on His Passion, and His victory over the greatest suffering.

2. How Christ is present right now, as One who always shows up, and without Whom we can do nothing.

3. Place our hope in Christs promises about our future, knowing He is not out to get us, but wants us to spend eternity with Him.

Wow, God even designs homilies just for me! Well, okay, maybe for everybody else, too.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:25-34

  I can vouch for that last sentence.

I must say, (Martin Short's weird character from SNL in the 70's) I am greatly looking forward to Lent; a time that is full of palpable Divine Grace!

Saint Raphael, the Archangel, pray for us!

Besides Raphael, Michael and Gabriel are the only Archangels mentioned by name in the bible. Saint Raphael Archangel is one of seven Archangels who stand before the throne of the Lord.

Saint Raphael's name means "God has healed." The name of this archangel does not appear in the Hebrew Scriptures, and in the Septuagint only in the Book of Tobias. This identity came about because of the biblical story which claims that he "healed" the earth when it was defiled by the sins of the fallen angels in the book of Enoch. Tobias said that Saint Raphael Archangel caused him to have his wife and that he gave joy to Sarah's parents for driving out the evil spirit in her. He also gave Saint Raphael Archangel credit for his father's seeing the light of heaven and for receiving all good things through his intercession.

 GLORIOUS Archangel Saint Raphael, 


Great prince
Of the heavenly court,
Illustrious for your gifts
Of wisdom and grace,
Guide of those
Who journey by land or sea,
Consoler of the afflicted,
And refuge of sinners.


I beg you to assist me
In all my needs
And in all the sufferings
Of this life,
As once you helped
The young Tobias
On his travels.


And because you are
The “Medicine of God”,
I humbly pray you
To heal the many infirmities
Of my soul
And all the ills
Which afflict my body,
If it be for my greater good.


I specially ask of you
The favor of


(name it …)


And the grace
Of angelic purity,
Which makes me fit
To be the temple
Of the Holy Spirit.


Amen.

 

offering our sufferings to God

While sitting at adoration this morning, besides all the other things that go rocketing around in my mind, I was contemplating the practice of offering our sufferings, mixed with thoughts of those who suffer from depression that often arrive with the winter weather and the Christmas season.

I am no expert when it comes to explaining the theology of offering our sufferings. One good way I think about it is from St.Therese of Lisieux, The Little Flower;

"I prefer the monotony of obscure sacrifice to all ecstasies. To pick up a pin for love can convert a soul." These are the words of Theresa of the Child Jesus, a Carmelite nun called the "Little Flower," who lived a cloistered life of obscurity in the convent of Lisieux, France. [In French-speaking areas, she is known as Thérèse of Lisieux.] And her preference for hidden sacrifice did indeed convert souls. Few saints of God are more popular than this young nun. Her autobiography, The Story of a Soul, is read and loved throughout the world. Thérèse Martin entered the convent at the age of 15 and died in 1897 at the age of 24.

When I am suffering, even in the smallest way, such as a pang of concern for one of my children (this happens roughly every seventeen minutes throughout the day), when I remember, I offer it to the Lord, Even if I have been part of the problem. Or if I encounter people that make me feel angry or agitated, or if I have to do something I don't like or feel like doing. All my sins and failings are somehow spiritual currency to the Lord. They can be offered for someone or some prayer request, or just for reparation for sin. what God does with all this, I don't know!  Of course, "big" sufferings, like sickness, pain and any event or trauma can and should be offered,too, but I am mainly thinking about the routine things. 

Depression is such a sneaky entity. It will circle around for a while, looking for a place to take root. If I have a certain worry, or a pet peeve that I allow to fester a little too much, I will start to notice myself feeling tired a lot, losing motivation for things I normally like to do, or even getting sick more frequently. I will have bouts of anxiety or angry outbursts. Essentially, what is happening is that I am not trusting God that where my life is, is entirely in His hands. If I am able to offer the stresses, the worries, the pain and fears to Him as they happen, not only does He make good use of them, but I am relieved of the burden and am reminded that He sees me and knows what is going on. Which is a huge comfort!

I know that Saints like the Little Flower, lived in such a way that she could ask to suffer and not want any consolations. (comforts from God). I am not there! I just ask for the ability to handle any suffering I must go through gracefully and to remember to lean on Him. I have often remarked to my husband that raising children is God's way of giving us built in penance. They help us shave off a little Purgatory. Of course they bring tons of joy, too, but the process of growing up is just naturally stressful. Especially at the latter teen years. It reminds me of the culmination of a long labor; how right before the birth there is the most pain, but the shortest, too.

I also want to encourage anyone who may be suffering with depression, to try and do these few things. They really do help. They should be done regularly. Commit to some schedule and stick to it.

1. Get up every day and go out of the house. Even if it is just for a short walk. The fresh air, the exercise, and the changing of your surroundings do wonders. Look around and absorb the world. Thank God for the beauty of the sky, for the fact that you are healthy enough to walk around, anything that comes to mind.

The key to helping yourself is getting out of your head, and focusing outward. If you can go to daily mass, that is the perfect thing to schedule each day. Adoration is even better. Pray, give your concerns to Him, and then, at least for that day, let it go. The late Elizabeth Elliot once said, to actually lift your hands to Him, full of your burdens, and imagine Him taking them. Even if you only envision it in your mind, it can be helpful.

2. Do something for someone else. Many times, we who suffer from depression, look for help from others quite a lot. It is the nature of the beast. But it is so good to remember that there are those less fortunate than ourselves and that to meet someone else's need helps free us from our own little box. The more we look outward and especially upward, the less we obsess about ourselves.

I am happy to say that my struggle with depression is almost completely in the past. But I do have to say almost, because depression can be a learned reaction to life's slings and arrows, so I still have to be vigilant. Plus, if you are one of those, as I am , who are on the sensitive side, you know it is both a blessing and a curse. But God has brought me this far, and I know He will not abandon me, nor will He, you.

Now here is one of today's small blessings. 

 

 

He or she has taken up residence among the bikes on our porch and the scrap lumber on the neighbor's porch. It is a bit of shelter, that I HAD planned to remove to the basement soon. Now of course I will feel badly. But I think the neighbor is putting out the lumber little by little each week in the trash. So I guess they will be moving on. As adorable as they are, I will not miss the mess they are leaving all over my porch.

Saint Lucy, pray for us!