Under my Skin

Cranky. Edgy. Touchy. Cross. Prickly. Crotchety. Cantankerous. Grouchy. Over-sensitive. Quick -tempered.


All these are synonymous with irritable.


I don't see myself as a generally irritable person. But I have noticed that I do get irritated with certain things quite frequently. Usually small things. As I gave it some thought, I realized that being irritable over something is kind of indulging in a mini temper tantrum. Say, on the road when I encounter less than considerate drivers. (Inner city driving is a challenge unto itself, and I submit that the Philly and Jersey drivers are their own special breed. I'll leave it at that). (And if you take to the road on a Friday afternoon or evening, God help you). Anyways! You can see how my mind set might affect my outlook as I get behind the wheel. And how, just maybe, I think I that I know better and am, if not better, perhaps a more considerate driver than some.

So what I've got here is a way of thinking that assumes something.

Firstly, I am completely in my own head about what I am trying to accomplish, usually trying to get from Point A to Point B, and darn it, you are slowing me down. If you have stopped in the middle of the street to chat with someone you saw walking, especially if you did so right next to a parking spot the size of a football field, or if you shot out of one of the tiny side streets, causing me to slam on my brakes, only to immediately turn down another, I am either silently or out loud indulging in some Language. I am assuming you Do Not Care and are oblivious that anyone else exisits, and therefore my objective of Getting Somewhere is not on your radar. And really, how dare you. Now, on occasion, I have noticed that you are elderly, and have felt a little pang of guilt. If you are a young person, I have felt no such pang and have assumed you are an arrogant, spoiled little person who should have your allowance revoked.

Yes, these are some of the thoughts that go through my mind.

On a larger scale, being irritable kind of says, "hey, I am feeling a certain way right now, and I should not have to deal with X,Y, or especially Z." This ties in to my Red Carpet  theory. Ironically, in that post, I also used a "driving while in South Philly" example. I guess not much has changed, haha, and yikes.


But seriously, I have been trying to do a more frequent examination of conscience so that when I go to confession, I am not trying to remember everything from the last month or longer. Because I can't remember things from yesterday. So the quality of my confessions leave something to be desired. I can tell you I regularly confess a lack of discipline, especially in my spiritual life. I am working on it, pray for me!

My frequent bouts of irritability are telling of my thought patterns, and those are what I am trying to pay better attention to. Those thoughts that assign me the Higher Plane of Living Award, if you get my drift. You may occasionally have them if you ever think, "I shouldn't have to deal with this, or do this menial thing, or deal with so and so's faults, or have to rouse myself from this well deserved rest to (gasp) do something for someone else." I could go on.

What I really want is to be able to see people the way that God sees them. To see people the way that Mother Teresa saw them. To be able to use these tiny moments of service to humanity as offerings for my sins. To offer them for the souls of others. To get myself off that all fired throne.

I realize this may never happen, at least in any large way in my lifetime, and I am not beating myself up over it. But I do wish to live with this intention a little closer to the surface, again for which I ask your prayers.

Have you ever met a person that so shined with the love of Christ that you felt it? Who was so free of self absorption that they made you feel as though you were the only person on earth at that moment? Whose mind and heart were so clear of clutter that it shone right out of their eyes, who could look straight at you with no self consciousness at all? This is what I hope to be a fraction of before I leave this earth. I told this to my spiritual director when he asked what was my goal in spiritual direction. Yeah, we definitely did not achieve that, but, hey Father, if you're reading, we definitely did make progress.


So , as everyone knows, one should never talk about problems without talking about solution, right?

Here are some of mine, what I refer to as the Master Plan. (haha, the irony).

1.  Daily Mass.

I can't begin to tell you the benefit this is to my life, Once again, the Church provides structure for me to plug in to and do the work of prayer for my family that I just can't do nearly as well on my own. Add to that the rewards that go with attending Mass. I truly believe some of the blessings we have experienced as a family have stemmed from the prayers and attendance of mass done by us and others for us.
I have a new job that begins in October, If you have seen the TV ads, you may have heard of Visiting Angels. It is a company that provides home care for the elderly or home bound. One of the reasons I left my other job was to free up weekends to be with my family, and also because this new job will be part time, allowing me to go to daily mass again. I believe this is part of my work as a wife, mother, and grandmother and friend, so I am trying to arrange my life to make it possible.

2. Exercise.

                  some of these were birthday presents. I outgrew some of the lighter ones


I have been working out regularly for over two years, at least in this incarnation of working out. Back when I was suffering from depression and agoraphobia, I was told that to help combat some of it, that I should get regular exercise. These days, depression only lurks, but I do have to manage some anxiety and some of the wonderful effects of being a Woman of a Certain Age. Regular working out has truly been my medicine. I sleep better, eat mostly better, have much more strength and energy, am _somewhat_better balanced emotionally (just being realistic here)  and my clothes fit more comfortably. I use a free You Tube Channel called Fitness Blender, hosted by an adorable young couple from the Northwest. I never have to leave my house, I can work out any time I want, and there are so many workouts to choose from, of all different difficulty levels, types and lengths, I am never bored. I highly recommend them.

3. the Twelve Steps.

 Still twelve stepping along! I have mentioned before that I attend a NarAnon group. It has strengthened my faith and given me tools for life. I have also, and still do recommend the book, The Way of Serenity, by Father Jonathan Morris. A while back, I posted a song that I later learned and sang for my group, because I just thought it spoke so well about God's heart for us. I also recorded it and shared it with them, at their request. I will share it with you here with a huge disclaimer that I just whipped it off quickly, with no time to make it perfect or even better than I could do it that day in only one take. With allergies that made me stuffy. But it is such a nice song. And so I will leave you with this. Also with a request that you pray for my family, as we are walking through many challenges.



Here are the lyrics:

Top of Form

 All the Way, by Kat Edmundson

Bottom of Form

Don't feel bad, I'm so glad that you are here tonight.

Sometimes we lose our way.

Take a ride with me, and forget yesterday.

Way up high, and way down low. Most things we can't control.

But you don't walk alone. Wherever I may be, there you'll have a home.

If you forget the wonder that you are I will remind you.

And if you lose yourself, don't worry darling, I'll know where to find you.

I'm right behind you, all the way.

Da dada da, da dada da

giving Him our time and relinquishing control

I have written about my conversion to Catholicism before. I am very aware of my perspective as a convert, and sometimes I feel the need to share some thoughts on being that ex-prot/non-denom/evangelical. Now is one of those times.

I may have mentioned that just being raised non-Catholic, I was taught either directly or indirectly, negative things about Catholics. Whether it was my mother, who went to Catholic school ( I don't really know if she also was baptized or raised Catholic) talked about having to switch her writing hand from left to right, or make remarks about the Catholic families on our street; or if it was other things said by bitter lapsed Catholics I have known, I managed to unconsciously collect some misinformation along the way. All the usuals; statues being false gods, "working their way into heaven", the "worship"of Mary. and of course, the old, "they are followers of man made rules instead of followers of Jesus" thing. I did notice that most who would say that last one had found themselves on the wrong side of one of those rules and were unwilling to consider the Church's remedy. But anyways.
 The few Church rules or teachings I have been thinking about recently are, the Sunday Mass obligation and the Rosary.

Sunday Mass.

 Some have wondered why this is required and is a mortal sin if missed  *unless excused for a serious reason (for example, illness, the care of infants) or dispensed by their own pastor. " (~from the Catechism)

 What makes sense to me about this, is that God knows our human weakness and tendency to be lazy. He knows how important it is for us to be in His presence, how much we need to be taught His Word and fed by His body and blood. How much grace we receive for our daily lives just by being at Holy Mass at least once a week.

It has been purposely made easy for us. There are multiple masses at any Catholic church in the world, offered beginning on Saturday evening going until Sunday evening. Most will only spend less than an hour at church. We have enjoyed, while traveling, masses in different places. It always amazes me, the true universality of the mass, and the brotherhood of Catholics.

So, the Church requires that we give God at least this small sacrifice of our time. That we prioritize and set aside some time for Him each week. He loves us, died for us, redeemed us, and we owe Him this act of love and respect in return. In short, He asks for some of our TIME. Time spent on on Him now that deposits His grace to live in a way that we might spend all time and eternity in heaven.

As much sense as this makes to me, I also realize that the gift of faith plays a part. the gift of gaining a perspective other than my own. Or at least be willing to do so. To not have to have all things be my way or bend to my own will. To be obedient, humble, docile to the Lord. Or at least, be willing to be made so.



The Rosary.

It is not required that we pray the Rosary. It is an optional practice.

 I have heard it compared to the "meaningless repetition" referenced in Matthew 6:7. Critics often state that it is not heartfelt nor original to the individual, therefore, less authentic.

My criticism of the criticism is this:

1. The words of the rosary are taken from the Gospels. Unless you are ready to put the words of the Gospels in the "meaningless"category, I suggest further consideration.

2. Repetition. Yes, we do repeat the prayers. While doing so, we meditate on the Mysteries, which are all about the life of Jesus. By doing this we are doing two things, spending some TIME in prayer, and going beyond our own thoughts. Gaining a perspective that is not our own. Generally, five decades of the Rosary takes about 15 minutes. So, I give to God this fifteen minutes talking to His Mother, asking for her intercession.
 If left to myself,  a few minutes in prayer and I would be distracted, my focus on Jesus difficult to maintain. The wisdom of the Church in offering a fifteen minute prayer, gives a us a framework to spend this time with God. Jesus, on His part, longs for us and we have this beautiful opportunity to give Him fifteen minutes in which He has our focus. Again, TIME.

 I once heard someone say that praying the Rosary daily changed his life. I took that as a challenge. Now, I can't tell you how many times I have arrived at the end of a Rosary with some clear thought or direction, or some peace about a problem. I have not achieved perfection in the daily praying, but I never stop working towards it.

3. Being original is not all it's cracked up to be, and almost 100% of the time, what we think is original to us, is not. Check in with Ecclesiastes sometime.
I once wrote about this idea here. Just so I am consistent! (tongue is in cheek).

4. As far as being heartfelt, that is something that can wax and wane. Some days, a person can approach prayer with true passion and emotion, and others, not so much. The beauty of praying the Rosary, indeed, taking the TIME to do so, is that we offer ourselves in prayer whether or not we feel like it. If we allowed our feelings to dictate when and how we prayed, I fear prayer would become nothing more than a vent session with God.

5. Vent sessions with God are also fine. And needed. And if I can speak for God, welcome. Spontaneous prayer, ie;, just talking to God all throughout the day is a wonderful thing. Precious. Indispensable. I know this because God is a father, and as a parent, I know that we want to hear the heartfelt thoughts of our children. Their fears, hopes, requests. everything.

But, I submit to you, that praying the Rosary, and any of the prayers offered by the Church, (such as the Divine Mercy Chaplet), help to put us in a better frame of mind, to gain that heavenly perspective outside ourselves, with which to approach Him all the rest of the day.

So, I challenge you. Pray the Rosary and see your life change.

Also, consider giving Him some of your time. Make Mass a priority, Know that it will involve sacrifice, however small. See what comes of it. Trust God, and trust the wisdom of the Church.

a rainy Sunday night

Yes, last night was a bust --just too tired.

On this rainy Sunday, I offer you my list of Thanksgiving.

http://c300221.r21.cf1.rackcdn.com/rainy-evening-by-david-martiashvili-1365452298_b.jpg





I am thankful tonight for:

1. The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, and especially the blessing and grace to have a TLM nearby, and that I am able to make it there now.

2. The Sacrament of Reconciliation. The grace to have that place to physically run to and spill out my worst moments and receive grace and love in return. And learn humility.

                                                                                    
 3. The lessons God teaches me personally, always with love.

4. The sound of my kids laughing.

5. All the comforts I have, though I know better than to cling to them, I appreciate them nonetheless.

6. Rainy Sunday nights.

7. A goofy kitty to love, and who does his job well. No mice!

8. A good husband.

9. The grace to not feel as though I am too old to have dreams and think about what I want to be when I grow up.

10. Good books.

11. A nice cup of hot tea, brought to me by the Good Husband.

12. Having my kids, their respective other halves and my grandson to love.

13. Music, gardening and cooking

14. Dear friends.

offering our sufferings to God

While sitting at adoration this morning, besides all the other things that go rocketing around in my mind, I was contemplating the practice of offering our sufferings, mixed with thoughts of those who suffer from depression that often arrive with the winter weather and the Christmas season.

I am no expert when it comes to explaining the theology of offering our sufferings. One good way I think about it is from St.Therese of Lisieux, The Little Flower;

"I prefer the monotony of obscure sacrifice to all ecstasies. To pick up a pin for love can convert a soul." These are the words of Theresa of the Child Jesus, a Carmelite nun called the "Little Flower," who lived a cloistered life of obscurity in the convent of Lisieux, France. [In French-speaking areas, she is known as Thérèse of Lisieux.] And her preference for hidden sacrifice did indeed convert souls. Few saints of God are more popular than this young nun. Her autobiography, The Story of a Soul, is read and loved throughout the world. Thérèse Martin entered the convent at the age of 15 and died in 1897 at the age of 24.

When I am suffering, even in the smallest way, such as a pang of concern for one of my children (this happens roughly every seventeen minutes throughout the day), when I remember, I offer it to the Lord, Even if I have been part of the problem. Or if I encounter people that make me feel angry or agitated, or if I have to do something I don't like or feel like doing. All my sins and failings are somehow spiritual currency to the Lord. They can be offered for someone or some prayer request, or just for reparation for sin. what God does with all this, I don't know!  Of course, "big" sufferings, like sickness, pain and any event or trauma can and should be offered,too, but I am mainly thinking about the routine things. 

Depression is such a sneaky entity. It will circle around for a while, looking for a place to take root. If I have a certain worry, or a pet peeve that I allow to fester a little too much, I will start to notice myself feeling tired a lot, losing motivation for things I normally like to do, or even getting sick more frequently. I will have bouts of anxiety or angry outbursts. Essentially, what is happening is that I am not trusting God that where my life is, is entirely in His hands. If I am able to offer the stresses, the worries, the pain and fears to Him as they happen, not only does He make good use of them, but I am relieved of the burden and am reminded that He sees me and knows what is going on. Which is a huge comfort!

I know that Saints like the Little Flower, lived in such a way that she could ask to suffer and not want any consolations. (comforts from God). I am not there! I just ask for the ability to handle any suffering I must go through gracefully and to remember to lean on Him. I have often remarked to my husband that raising children is God's way of giving us built in penance. They help us shave off a little Purgatory. Of course they bring tons of joy, too, but the process of growing up is just naturally stressful. Especially at the latter teen years. It reminds me of the culmination of a long labor; how right before the birth there is the most pain, but the shortest, too.

I also want to encourage anyone who may be suffering with depression, to try and do these few things. They really do help. They should be done regularly. Commit to some schedule and stick to it.

1. Get up every day and go out of the house. Even if it is just for a short walk. The fresh air, the exercise, and the changing of your surroundings do wonders. Look around and absorb the world. Thank God for the beauty of the sky, for the fact that you are healthy enough to walk around, anything that comes to mind.

The key to helping yourself is getting out of your head, and focusing outward. If you can go to daily mass, that is the perfect thing to schedule each day. Adoration is even better. Pray, give your concerns to Him, and then, at least for that day, let it go. The late Elizabeth Elliot once said, to actually lift your hands to Him, full of your burdens, and imagine Him taking them. Even if you only envision it in your mind, it can be helpful.

2. Do something for someone else. Many times, we who suffer from depression, look for help from others quite a lot. It is the nature of the beast. But it is so good to remember that there are those less fortunate than ourselves and that to meet someone else's need helps free us from our own little box. The more we look outward and especially upward, the less we obsess about ourselves.

I am happy to say that my struggle with depression is almost completely in the past. But I do have to say almost, because depression can be a learned reaction to life's slings and arrows, so I still have to be vigilant. Plus, if you are one of those, as I am , who are on the sensitive side, you know it is both a blessing and a curse. But God has brought me this far, and I know He will not abandon me, nor will He, you.

Now here is one of today's small blessings. 

 

 

He or she has taken up residence among the bikes on our porch and the scrap lumber on the neighbor's porch. It is a bit of shelter, that I HAD planned to remove to the basement soon. Now of course I will feel badly. But I think the neighbor is putting out the lumber little by little each week in the trash. So I guess they will be moving on. As adorable as they are, I will not miss the mess they are leaving all over my porch.

Saint Lucy, pray for us!