Under my Skin

Cranky. Edgy. Touchy. Cross. Prickly. Crotchety. Cantankerous. Grouchy. Over-sensitive. Quick -tempered.


All these are synonymous with irritable.


I don't see myself as a generally irritable person. But I have noticed that I do get irritated with certain things quite frequently. Usually small things. As I gave it some thought, I realized that being irritable over something is kind of indulging in a mini temper tantrum. Say, on the road when I encounter less than considerate drivers. (Inner city driving is a challenge unto itself, and I submit that the Philly and Jersey drivers are their own special breed. I'll leave it at that). (And if you take to the road on a Friday afternoon or evening, God help you). Anyways! You can see how my mind set might affect my outlook as I get behind the wheel. And how, just maybe, I think I that I know better and am, if not better, perhaps a more considerate driver than some.

So what I've got here is a way of thinking that assumes something.

Firstly, I am completely in my own head about what I am trying to accomplish, usually trying to get from Point A to Point B, and darn it, you are slowing me down. If you have stopped in the middle of the street to chat with someone you saw walking, especially if you did so right next to a parking spot the size of a football field, or if you shot out of one of the tiny side streets, causing me to slam on my brakes, only to immediately turn down another, I am either silently or out loud indulging in some Language. I am assuming you Do Not Care and are oblivious that anyone else exisits, and therefore my objective of Getting Somewhere is not on your radar. And really, how dare you. Now, on occasion, I have noticed that you are elderly, and have felt a little pang of guilt. If you are a young person, I have felt no such pang and have assumed you are an arrogant, spoiled little person who should have your allowance revoked.

Yes, these are some of the thoughts that go through my mind.

On a larger scale, being irritable kind of says, "hey, I am feeling a certain way right now, and I should not have to deal with X,Y, or especially Z." This ties in to my Red Carpet  theory. Ironically, in that post, I also used a "driving while in South Philly" example. I guess not much has changed, haha, and yikes.


But seriously, I have been trying to do a more frequent examination of conscience so that when I go to confession, I am not trying to remember everything from the last month or longer. Because I can't remember things from yesterday. So the quality of my confessions leave something to be desired. I can tell you I regularly confess a lack of discipline, especially in my spiritual life. I am working on it, pray for me!

My frequent bouts of irritability are telling of my thought patterns, and those are what I am trying to pay better attention to. Those thoughts that assign me the Higher Plane of Living Award, if you get my drift. You may occasionally have them if you ever think, "I shouldn't have to deal with this, or do this menial thing, or deal with so and so's faults, or have to rouse myself from this well deserved rest to (gasp) do something for someone else." I could go on.

What I really want is to be able to see people the way that God sees them. To see people the way that Mother Teresa saw them. To be able to use these tiny moments of service to humanity as offerings for my sins. To offer them for the souls of others. To get myself off that all fired throne.

I realize this may never happen, at least in any large way in my lifetime, and I am not beating myself up over it. But I do wish to live with this intention a little closer to the surface, again for which I ask your prayers.

Have you ever met a person that so shined with the love of Christ that you felt it? Who was so free of self absorption that they made you feel as though you were the only person on earth at that moment? Whose mind and heart were so clear of clutter that it shone right out of their eyes, who could look straight at you with no self consciousness at all? This is what I hope to be a fraction of before I leave this earth. I told this to my spiritual director when he asked what was my goal in spiritual direction. Yeah, we definitely did not achieve that, but, hey Father, if you're reading, we definitely did make progress.


So , as everyone knows, one should never talk about problems without talking about solution, right?

Here are some of mine, what I refer to as the Master Plan. (haha, the irony).

1.  Daily Mass.

I can't begin to tell you the benefit this is to my life, Once again, the Church provides structure for me to plug in to and do the work of prayer for my family that I just can't do nearly as well on my own. Add to that the rewards that go with attending Mass. I truly believe some of the blessings we have experienced as a family have stemmed from the prayers and attendance of mass done by us and others for us.
I have a new job that begins in October, If you have seen the TV ads, you may have heard of Visiting Angels. It is a company that provides home care for the elderly or home bound. One of the reasons I left my other job was to free up weekends to be with my family, and also because this new job will be part time, allowing me to go to daily mass again. I believe this is part of my work as a wife, mother, and grandmother and friend, so I am trying to arrange my life to make it possible.

2. Exercise.

                  some of these were birthday presents. I outgrew some of the lighter ones


I have been working out regularly for over two years, at least in this incarnation of working out. Back when I was suffering from depression and agoraphobia, I was told that to help combat some of it, that I should get regular exercise. These days, depression only lurks, but I do have to manage some anxiety and some of the wonderful effects of being a Woman of a Certain Age. Regular working out has truly been my medicine. I sleep better, eat mostly better, have much more strength and energy, am _somewhat_better balanced emotionally (just being realistic here)  and my clothes fit more comfortably. I use a free You Tube Channel called Fitness Blender, hosted by an adorable young couple from the Northwest. I never have to leave my house, I can work out any time I want, and there are so many workouts to choose from, of all different difficulty levels, types and lengths, I am never bored. I highly recommend them.

3. the Twelve Steps.

 Still twelve stepping along! I have mentioned before that I attend a NarAnon group. It has strengthened my faith and given me tools for life. I have also, and still do recommend the book, The Way of Serenity, by Father Jonathan Morris. A while back, I posted a song that I later learned and sang for my group, because I just thought it spoke so well about God's heart for us. I also recorded it and shared it with them, at their request. I will share it with you here with a huge disclaimer that I just whipped it off quickly, with no time to make it perfect or even better than I could do it that day in only one take. With allergies that made me stuffy. But it is such a nice song. And so I will leave you with this. Also with a request that you pray for my family, as we are walking through many challenges.



Here are the lyrics:

Top of Form

 All the Way, by Kat Edmundson

Bottom of Form

Don't feel bad, I'm so glad that you are here tonight.

Sometimes we lose our way.

Take a ride with me, and forget yesterday.

Way up high, and way down low. Most things we can't control.

But you don't walk alone. Wherever I may be, there you'll have a home.

If you forget the wonder that you are I will remind you.

And if you lose yourself, don't worry darling, I'll know where to find you.

I'm right behind you, all the way.

Da dada da, da dada da

Seven Rambly Thoughts

I have been thinking about all manner of things spiritual and otherwise lately. Here are those that are rolling around in my head and popping up like the lottery ping pong balls. In no particular order:

One.

On turning fifty in a few short weeks. I am really amazed that my well being and overall health are not as bad as they were even a year ago. That the human body can have such resilience, that even at this advanced age, with a little sweat and a bit of discipline, it responds and _somewhat_improves.  I have known, (but was trying to ignore), that my physical, mental, and emotional well being are tied to exercise. I just have to carve out twenty or thirty minutes each day (thank God for Exercise TV). At first I thought I had to choose between time for spiritual health and physical/mental/emotional health. But, darn, then it became quite apparent that they are all tied together. Drat.

 Two.

But really the more amazing thing is realizing that God Isn't Finished With Me Yet. He seems to think it is perfectly okay to start a whole new chapter now. Perfectly reasonable to start school at the same time as my two college bound daughters. Some days, when I am wondering how I am going to even find time to get to the market, or remember what kids are going where today, or to take something out of the freezer for dinner: you may ask yourself (haha, eighties anybody?)..."how on earth is this woman going to add another Big Thing to her life?"  I guess the answer is the same as it was for exercising, only on a larger scale. Discipline, dedication, sweat, (mental, I hope), and huge portion of grace and faith. I am taking heart from the results of my exercise routine, that results beget results, and that results beget encouragement, and also that results beget the desire to not see any loss of what hard work went into those results; and knowing All Results go straight back to God with thanksgiving for His immense grace. Wow, that got a little Chapter-one-of -Saint-Matthew there.

Three.

On peace, acceptance, and being human. I sometimes feel a pang of sadness when I see or hear about people, especially but not exclusively, moms and dads, beating themselves up because of how they see themselves in comparison to others. I should say, to be accurate, what they perceive in others. I include myself. It is hard not to envy or covet someones lifestyle, when it appears to be something we think we want.

http://www.sanddollarestate.com/best-family-reunion-vacations-destination.asp

Maybe, freedom from a work-a-day schedule, ability to travel, or someone who has a very squeaky clean looking family, with homeschooled kids that don't watch TV, weave their own clothing and raise chickens. Someone getting noticed for something we feel we don't ever get noticed for, or whatever. There is always somebody doing what we are doing, only doing it better. The problem (besides the whole fact that envy and covetousness are sins) is that this kind of thinking takes the focus off where God has us right now today, what we have, who we are, and what we are doing with that. I think our consciences should be formed by what God thinks of us today, by what we have done for Him and the people He put in our lives today. Sometimes the picture we get of other people is entirely wrong, our image fed by appearances and our imagination. It helps to remind ourselves that we are a part of everyone else on the planet. What we say and do contributes to the overall well being (or not) of everyone else. We are not separate. If we sin, we affect God and make our mark on the world. If we pray, do penance or sacrifice, we make our mark in that way. Each of us matters intensely, and if we know how much we mattered to God and other people, I think we would see our role, our vocations in life as being uniquely crafted for us, for our benefit and blessing.

picture source: http://tomwhelan.wordpress.com/2008/08/26/green-ripples/

Four.

On joy. I may have mentioned this before, but I have always noticed Christian joy when it surfaces from time to time. Not giddiness, or fleeting happiness associated with temporal things, but a simple joy that comes just from knowing Christ and finding His mark during the course of a day. It is something that I wish I could bottle and give out on the street. It contains all the things people strive for; peace, hope, contentment, motivation to do good, spontaneous prayer, thanksgiving. Charity. Serenity. All good stuff. Oh wait! It is sort of contained in something, or someone...the Eucharist. I don't know how I would do anything without Him. Oh wait, I wouldn't.
I am the vine, you are the branches: He that stays in me, and I in him, the same brings forth much fruit: for without me you can do nothing. John 15:5.

Five.

It's Friday! We had the pleasure of hearing mass by a very dear priest and friend, back from Rome for a little. And today I am relieved of going anywhere, something I love. The ability to putz around the house, write (obviously), clean a little, sit in the sun with a book, and tonight, watch Harry Potter (not the new one,  yet) with the kids. Yes, yes, I have heard about the evils of Harry Potter. I grew up reading CS Lewis and Tolkein. My family understands the use of magic as a vehicle for a story. 

Six.

Tomorrow Bob and I play music for the Helpers of God's Precious Infants Mass. If you would, please include us in your prayers so we will be able to offer our best to God and to the faithful that are so dedicated to helping the unborn.

Seven.

Simplicity. I love it.I strive for it. Our household is full of people going many different directions, physically and spiritually. This demands a  lot of attention, prayer, and energy. And a goodly amount of stuff. So I have figured out that my simplicity will have to be of the heart. I strive to be that joyful, peaceful Christian person whose brow is smooth and worry free, whose gaze is direct and conscience clean. That is simplicity I can hope for.

 seven and a half--but just as important

 Please, in your charity, add my daughter's fiance, Adam, to your prayers. He had an appendectomy several days ago and is having a rough recovery. He is the one under the turtle.

Peace to all, and a lovely weekend!

In Him,

Kelly

+JMJ+

seeking wisdom

Hello! I have been blogging less frequently, I know. Several reasons, but one of the biggies is that I have been ....shhhhh....exercising....I am afraid if I say it too loudly I will again be pulled away by one thing or another. It's usually the first thing I do, after coffee, each day.  I am in my fourth week, and if I don't exactly see any big results, I sure do feel them. My back is the first thing to show improvement, followed by general increases in strength, energy and mood. My spare tire is still firmly attached. But I feel better about it.




 I have been also thinking about this and that, doing some reading and sunning, and trying to just do each day what seems to be given to me to do.

As usual, there is a lot going on in the life of my family. Two starting college in the fall, one going to live away, one at home. Another one living nearby, but suffering from mysterious seizures, and dealing with some heavy issues besides, requiring attention and assistance at times.  Eldest in Michigan, with lovely family, with which we want to coordinate a summer get together with my brother, (who isn't well), in North Carolina (see this post ). Many other family concerns on our minds, and to add icing to the cake, financial concerns. It all adds up to this-

or, if you like, this-

So, here comes the wisdom piece. And I do ask your prayers for this. Recently I have been reading, (among other things not nearly as spiritual, but not without merit),  is Ten Prayers God Always Says Yes To by Anthony DeStefano.  A very inspiring and thought provoking book.

One of the prayers is, "God, please give me wisdom."  And right now, I think I could use some. (well, of course, I always could), but for this juncture of the life of my family, I want to know what He wants of me.

Should I go back to work? Or should we just do a massive scale back in consumption? I know if I do go to work, I don't think I can handle the kind of job I typically get, full of plentiful human suffering for which I am grossly underpaid and grossly over worked and for which I am grossly over responsible. You get my take on the situation. But jobs being not the most plentiful or easily found, who knows whether I will be able to pick and choose? I am still battling small recurrences of Epstein-Barr, JUST getting back into some sort of exercise routine, and am relied on by some family members as well as the kids for transportation and general help.

But Gods ways are His own, so if He does indeed intend that I join in the fray to ease our financial burden, I have to trust He will guide me with the well being of us all in mind.

Here are a few passages from Father Jacques Philippe that resonate- the highlighted parts are the one that jumped out at me:

Every authentic vocation is a calling to live ever more fully. We should be wary of callings that may mask refusal to engage life, fear of love, flight from the body or feelings, or a lack of acceptance of human existence as it is. Accepting one’s calling should mean choosing a more intense, abundant way of life, not fear-driving flight, or a disguised choice of death, as can happen with some poorly discerned religious commitments.
— Called to Life, pp.24-25

The spiritual life would be unlivable if negation and repression were the only legitimate responses to our desires. But the spiritual path is not a way of negation but an education of desire: progressively learning to leave superficial desires behind in order to let the deepest desire emerge, the one that carries the call addressed to us by God.
— Called to Life, p.100 

Faithfulness to mental prayer is a school of freedom. It is a school of truth in love, because it teaches us, little by little, no longer to place our relationship with God on the shaky, unstable basis of our own impressions, moods, or feelings, but on the solid foundation of faith—God’s faithfulness, which is as firm as a rock. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today, and forever” (Heb 13:8), for “His mercy is from generation to generation” (Lk 1:50). If we persevere, our relationships with other people, which are likewise superficial and changeable, will become more stable, more faithful, deeper, and hence happier.
— Time for God, p.32

“For you were called to freedom, brethren” (Gal 5:13). So says St. Paul in the letter to the Galatians. God calls us to freedom. But instead of being given to us instantaneously and in full measure, this freedom is built up progressively and patiently day by day, by being faithful to God’s calls.
— Called to Life, p.1

 one can't really break apart Paul.

Well, friends, there is much to think about and ever more to pray about. Our family would appreciate your prayers.

St. Rita, come to my aid! Faithful, loving wife and mother, Humble, prayerful widow and nun, Because of my need, answer my call. St. Rita, come to my aid! Beautiful rose born from the Savior's thorns, Lead me far from anger and hate; Guide my heart on peaceful paths with charity to all.

St. Rita, come to my aid!      Helper, healer, holy friend      Hear my petition (make request).      To Christ take this prayer,      For He is my Lord, my God, my All,      My hope in despair,      My strength when afraid.      St. Rita, come to my aid!      St. Rita, answer my call.  Amen.

Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!

I say this as a prayer when the priest is receiving the Eucharist, right before we go up to receive. 

I have often thought that if we really believed that we were in the presence of Christ's actual body,  (*note--we are.) we would fall on our faces and be unable to move. We would be frozen with awe, overcome by the power and passion of His presence, terribly aware of our shortcomings, but simultaneously overcome and filled with His all encompassing love and mercy. This is not strict church teaching or theology, just my thoughts about how little we grasp of what is actually going on at mass. 

I have heard Father Corapi speak about how much we could change just by receiving the Eucharist once. If we were able to fully cooperate with, and submit ourselves to God in that moment, there is no telling how much we would grow. ( a very loose paraphrase)

 It is not that we have to understand the mysteries of the Eucharist with our minds in order to receive grace, but rather that we believe the realities of what is contained in the host, and through faith, are open to the effects the Lord would lay upon us. After all, what Christian would not agree that if Jesus were to stroll in to a Sunday mass or service, we would all either 1. flee under the weight of or own sin and condemnation, or 2. be changed on the spot.

When I am at adoration, I have to continually reign in my mind. Interestingly, I often experience clearer thinking and have ideas about different things-both weighty and trivial, while in the presence of Jesus. My strategy is to have a pen and paper handy to jot things down so I then can not strain to remember them and let my mind quiet again. Many times, I must do this over and over. A very helpful thing to do, and this told to me by a beloved priest and friend, is to contemplate the crucifix. Another help, for me, is to picture Jesus standing or sitting in front of the exposed host. He is there, truly, so by doing this I can visualize what my place is before Him. I must do this because of my unbelief. Don't get me wrong, I believe. But my human limitations are such that I can't appreciate the Lord's presence completely . 

So, what the above phrase means to me, when I breathe it in prayer is; Lord, I believe in you as much as I am able at this moment; please increase my faith and allow me to absorb and appropriate as much of you as I possibly can.

Here is a larger section from which the passage I spoke about is taken-

Mark 9:20-29 NASB

They brought the boy to Him. When he saw Him, immediately the spirit threw him into a convulsion, and falling to the ground, he began rolling around and foaming at the mouth. And He asked his father, “How long has this been happening to him?” And he said, “From childhood. “It has often thrown him both into the fire and into the water to destroy him. But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!” And Jesus said to him, “ ‘If You can?’ All things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father cried out and said, “I do believe; help my unbelief.” When Jesus saw that a crowd was rapidly gathering, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, “You deaf and mute spirit, I command you, come out of him and do not enter him again.” After crying out and throwing him into terrible convulsions, it came out; and the boy became so much like a corpse that most of them said, “He is dead!” But Jesus took him by the hand and raised him; and he got up. When He came into the house, His disciples began questioning Him privately, “Why could we not drive it out?” And He said to them, “This kind cannot come out by anything but prayer.”

---

It is interesting that the man, upon being told that "all things are possible to him who believes", knows his own limitations, and wants to be full of that kind of belief, so he asks Jesus for it. That is my aim during mass and in many other situations, that I ask Jesus for what I don't have, and can't get without Him. Another nugget from Father Corapi, is to recognize what we need and ask for it. I am not talking about a shopping list here! But if you need faith, ask for it! If you need to have more disciplined prayer time, ask! If you need to want to pray, then ask for the desire for God! I have to laugh, but really it makes sense. Just keep backing up until you get to the thing you need first.

 I definitely need to exercise but I desperately need to pray regularly. I have thought of this before, but today I started a "rosary-walk". On days I can't make it to mass, but still want to pray, I want to grab my Rosary and walk while I pray. This accomplishes two things: 1. I move around and count it  as exercise while I pray, and 2. I don't have the distractions of the house (phone, laundry, kids, etc...). It was nice today, I hope to see some spiritual and physical results!

God's Blessings, 

 Kelly

~and now, for something completely different~

You know you live with a Lot of People when... 

1. a regular dinner uses all the dishes in the cupboard.

2. the refrigerator is emptied daily.

3. you need lane markers and a blinking light to regulate traffic in the hallway.

4. you have made two trips to go places when everyone would not fit in the car.

5. everyone's schedule is so different that there are only one or two hours in which there is no one awake in the house at any given time.

6. the bathroom never really dries out.

7. whenever you approach the house, you can always hear the hum of the dryer--it is known as the House of Perpetual Laundry.

8 .there are so many shoes piled up inside the door, people think they have stumbled onto a thrift store.

9. on the rare occasions you all go to church together, you take up a whole pew.

10. you have to jockey for a seat on one of the couches. Usually a few end up on the floor.

11. You have to jump over bodies when they are playing video games (certain ones lay on their stomachs stretched out horizontally across the traffic lane in the living room.

12. you refer to any place in your house as the traffic lane.

:)