Humility and being changed

Bob and I were blessed this past weekend to be able to attend The Jesus Retreat. We spent most of our time in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament, or in praise and worship before Him, at Mass, confession -- and quite a bit of eating and a little sleeping. It was like Extreme Exposure to Jesus in a beautiful setting (Black Rock Retreat Center) and our one and only time away together since our now infamous honeymoon at the Bates Motel, er, I mean, the Globe Inn.

This is one of the songs sung during worship.

 This recording is the International House of Worship, (IHOP, I kid you not) in Kansas City, Missouri. They are not Catholic, but they do an awesome job with what they have! The Prayer Room offers prayer, praise and worship around the clock. What a beautiful, dedicated group of young people. There is a desire among the Jesus-retreatants to see a Catholic version of IHOP emerge.




Come and let Your presence fill our praise, fill our praise,
Come and let Your presence fill this place.
We have come to give You highest praise, highest praise,
We have come to love You in this place.
It’s all for You, here we are, here we are
For You are the One we want to meet
Jesus shine through all the praises that we sing


Here is what our group actually looked like:

The worship band at the retreat was every bit as good, and with good Catholic teaching and leadership, not to mention the Blessed Sacrament, you can imagine the power flowing from this place during our time there. I can honestly say that I came away changed.

My husband has not had a whole lot of exposure to Charismatic worship, but he did well, and was also blessed. We had a conversation with another retreat-goer over one of the many delicious and hearty meals (the retreat was held in Quarryville, which is just into Amish country, and the food reflected that :). this man was a convert , as I am, and also like me, familiar with Charismatic praise and worship. He had a spot-on observation; that the foundation of being able to raise your hands in praise or speak in tongues requires humility. Being willing to look foolish, to speak in a language that sounds like baby talk to others. Being willing to open ourselves up to God in the presence of others.

We were taught that worshiping publicly was something God blessed, and indeed , that was our experience. Not just an experience for experience's sake, but one that we knew was an encounter with God, which, once you have, makes an indelible mark. How could it not?

I am intensely grateful to Jesus for making a way for us to get there. I pray we will be able to go again next year, and anyone else who may want/need this, I recommend it.

So what has changed, you may ask?

 I'm going to tell you, even if you weren't going to ask.

1. Peace. It's just there. I am not worried about all the many things I usually worry about. We were prayed over by a few wonderful people, and the words they said to us were like laser-beamingly what we needed to hear. We came away knowing that the Lord cares about the things we are struggling with and the people we worry about. Did we know that before? Yes. Did we benefit from hearing the words tenderly spoken by total strangers right to the core of our hearts? You betcha.

2.  Renewed love and desire to be in the Lord's presence at Mass and Adoration. I wanted it before, but lots of things would tend to interfere. Now, I NEED it and, with His help, little will stop me. I just realize more now, how much I need Him to live, and to have any possibility of doing His will.

3. The lifting of the Perpetual Guilt Voice that ran on loop in my mind, keeping me from saying or doing things that the Lord might have wanted. One of the words spoken over me directly identified this and virtually freed me from this way of thinking. Also in confession I was given beautiful direction about this. It is like having Holy Roto-Rooter done to my spirit. The bricks were removed from my shoulders.

4. Hope. I just have higher expectations about my family, my life and future. Not expecting the Red Carpet from here on out, but just knowing how much Jesus is involved has heightened my trust that our lives are in His hands, and He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.



I am confident that He did more than I could have asked or thought, and that the fruit of this time has yet to be fully realized.

Your presence is all I am longing for

Here in the secret place

Your nearness is all I am waiting for

Here in the quiet place,

Here in the secret place

My soul waits for You alone

Like the watchmen wait for dawn

Here I’ve finally found the place

Where we’ll meet, Lord, face to face

I’ve finally found where I belong,

I’ve finally found where I belong in Your presence

I’ve finally found where I belong,

To be with You, to be with You

I am my Beloved’s and He is mine,

So come into Your garden and take delight in me

Take delight in me

Delight in me, delight in me

Delight in me, delight in me

Here in Your presence, God, I find my rest

Here in Your presence, God

I must be getting older

Goodness, I have been wanting to get to this post for weeks!

Oh, and Happy New Year! Already, I'm behind!

I'll tell you, the whole thing started with me thinking abut death. Don't go away yet! It's not all that bad.

Some months ago, we were attending a church that had some carving of saints waaay up high, embedded in the front wall. I would find myself trying to identify them. One was holding something that I finally recognized as a skull! I looked it up later only to find it was St. Francis.

The reason he is depicted with the skull is because he wanted to remember his mortality. Why, you may ask, would he want to do that?




Well, for the same reason a person who has survived some life threatening thing; in short, to live this life on earth with the fervor of knowing how impermanent it is. With more appreciation. With the proper perspective.

I have a dear cousin who in turn has some dear offspring, one who is far more intelligent than people have a right to be (that is to say, sometimes I struggle to keep up in understanding his writings), but he has this post on his blog, in which he talks about just this subject. Maybe from a slightly different angle, but I truly appreciate his take.  He wasn't talking about death, but about how to latch on to what God is doing every day in our own lives.


http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Post-sunset_horizon_from_aircraft.JPG

One contributing factor to my thought process is that I have crossed the great and magic line in life some people like to refer to as one's fifties. It really isn't much different that being in your forties, except I am moving slightly slower. Not too bad. But it does kind of bring that far horizon creeping into view. And that gets one to thinking differently. Not feeling like there is all the time in the world for putting off the really important stuff. And making the not-so-important-stuff, well, not so important. 



 I guess I'm kind of slow, because it takes me a little while sometimes, for lessons to really sink in and percolate and finally reach my conscious mind and heart. That part happens all of a sudden though! I can't tell you how many epiphanies I have had that I had NO IDEA were about to happen. Some are wonderful, powerful spiritual insights. Others are quite jarring, awful, and grim. There have been times when I have woken from a fog of sorts, and realized something that was quite life-changing. These moments are such clear memories. All are gifts. Do you know the old saying, "Don't pray for patience?" Well, I might also add, don't pray for wisdom or knowledge unless you really want to see. Sometimes truth can be a hard thing to come to terms with. (I think that made the "old saying" list as well). But a simple person like myself really needs to be shown, or I may never figure anything out! So show me He does. He also gives grace to bear the weight of it, but sometimes it is still heavy. Oh, I know, all this theoretical talk. Maybe I will tell a few of the stories later. My point, though, is that we are not long here on this earth. Our lives can seem so complicated, but every once in a while, something happens and we feel God reaching through to touch us, and suddenly, there is a clarity that wasn't there before.

This picture is the cast we saw last night.

I saw Les Miserables for the fourth time last night. Not the movie, (yet), but the live musical. This story is so powerful, and every time I see it, I am given another beautiful gift.

The first time I saw it, was about 1996. I was in a marriage that was growing increasingly abusive, and little did I know, would come to and end in 1998. But we were given two tickets and so we saw it at the Walnut Street Theater. I had never known the story and was so taken with the theme of God's mercy. The main character, Jean Valjean overcomes incredible suffering and injustice, receives the gift of mercy and lives his life embracing  his redemption. I was suffering in my marriage, the kids were suffering, and I couldn't see any way to make it better. The atmosphere in the house was getting so tense that we were all walking on eggshells, afraid of what might next set him off. I won't go into all the details. But while I was at the show, tears ran from beginning to end.  I identified with some of the characters and situations, yes, but also just being in the proximity of all the beauty and powerful,  gorgeous voices, transported me to places I had not been in many years. It was like a window into real life while trapped in a dark cell.

 Aferterward, I willed the music to stay in my head, but it was the first and only time I'd heard it, so it quickly faded. Over the years I would watch for the public television fund drives,  often they would show the Les Miserables concerts. I also read the book. Difficult and long, but so worth the effort and again, the connection to that experience. And to hope.

Hope in the midst of chaos and suffering. In the midst of events that seemed to make no sense. Hope that God would see and deliver.

Those of you that know us and even a small part of our story know that He has been good and faithful to help us. How He has taken even the darkest parts of our history and brought good, Not everything, not yet. But every time I see this show, it reminds me to hope and that when life seems convoluted, and I can't see a way forward, God is still at work.

Did I know all this before? Yes, but to have it portrayed with strength, beauty and incredible passion, is another holy moment for me, as my cousin spoke of so well.

And now I am able to remember the songs, am blessed to have access and listen whenever I want. But it's seeing it live that always brings the first experience back. It is good to remember, sometimes, how it was to be broken and in dire need of God to reach in my life and deliver. And to pray for that deliverance to be completed in all my family.

Jesus probably spit up. And other thoughts on babies this Christmas.

The Bible has several examples of babies that were conceived for a purpose that would shape history. Abraham and Sarah, who were of advanced age; Sarah being barren, conceived Issac. Then Isaac's wife, Rebekah, was barren and was granted the ability to conceive, bore Jacob and Esau. Manoah prayed that his barren wife conceive and she was visited by and angel and bore Samson.  John the Baptist, born to the aged Zachariah and his barren wife Elizabeth. And the most well known conception, the Virgin Mary who bore Jesus. (Both John and Jesus were announced to them by the Archangel Gabriel).  There probably are others, but these are all that come to mind now and are sufficient to bear my point.

All these people were essential in salvation history. All were purposefully conceived and God made sure to point out His role in their conception. All entered the world for a grand purpose.

Now take into account Christ's words in Matthew 11-11.

Truly I tell you, among those born of women there has not risen anyone greater than John the Baptist; yet whoever is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he.

Dr.Tim Keller says, In one of the most overlooked passages in the Bible, Jesus called John the Baptist the greatest prophet in history, and then added that every single believer is now greater in position and calling than him. (Matthew 11:9–11) ‘The least in the kingdom of God is greater than he [John the Baptist.]‘ What did Jesus mean? He couldn’t mean that every Christian believer would be more courageous or more godly than John the Baptist. (I know that I’m not!)

 At mass yesterday, Fr. Kelley pointed out that the conception of EVERY baby is willed by God. 
 And how Jesus' own words bear that out.  I can hear the outraged cries now. What about conceptions as a result of rape and incest!!? Well, what about them? Think about this. Is getting pregnant and having a baby a bad thing? Is it, as our president famously stated about his own daughters, a punishment?  Perhaps a woman doesn't feel ready or her conception was a surprise. (Tradition states that Mary was 14).  The thing that stands out most to me is the mindset of all the women given these "special assignments"by God. they were either barren, elderly, or in Mary's case, very young and unmarried. They all saw childbirth as a badge of honor. Mary's response being the crown, the Magnificat:

My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God my Savior; for He has looked with favor on His lowly servant From this day all generations shall call me blessed. The Almighty has done great things for me, and holy is His Name He has mercy on those who fear Him in every generation. He has shown the strength of His arm, He has scattered the proud in their conceit. He has cast down the mighty from their thrones, and has lifted up the lowly. He has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich He has sent away empty. He has come to the help of His servant Israel for He has remembered His promise of mercy, the promise He made to our fathers, to Abraham and his children forever. Amen

 Mary lived to please God and her response was full of the grace she received from Him at her conception. All the other women did not have this special grace but were grateful to God for their babies anyway.

So back to the objection. I have a question. Have you ever known a woman that had a baby and it changed her life? I am one, and I know many others. Suddenly, her life had a completely different focus and purpose. Maybe some of her old ways of thinking and doing things faded away in light of this greater thing that happened. Maybe she was able to see beyond herself and her own problems because her baby helped her look to the future. A baby conceived in a negative way can have a positive effect on the mother. If her mindset is one that knows the conceived child's life is willed by God and has a particular purpose in the world, and that she is helping to bring that about. If she can see past the right now and know that a child can help make a mother a better person. That she is, in essence, saving that child, who does not have to grow up with a negative stigma, but seen as a gift that came from a bad act, if that was the case, and who defied that bad act by being something beautiful.

And for mothers -- Mary is often seen with a sword through her heart. We care so much for our children that we often can relate to that. Right now, I think of the poor mothers (and fathers) of the slain children in Connecticut and know that are living that sword most literally. But Mary is, at the very same time, full of grace. We can also experience Extreme Grace because we cooperated with God in bearing and raising our children. With every woman's yes, comes the grace to have and to raise our children. My prayer for the parents of the Sandy Hook tragedy is that they would be flooded with grace. 

I never would have believed that I could raise seven. Never. God has given the grace, and still is, to help me, despite my many sins and failings, to do this. He will do it for you. And every mother that says yes to the life He ordained within her.

If you are pregnant, and need any kind of help. there are pregnancy help centers all over the country. If you cannot find one in your local directory, your local Catholic church may be able to direct you. 

If you say yes to God regarding the baby you are carrying, even if you give him up for adoption and bless a childless couple, God WILL  show you His grace and mercy and do a wonderful work in your life. If your mind and heart are open to Him. If you are only open to the voices that tell you an abortion is just one choice and will be quick and easy, beware that lie. Beware it. Your life will not be the same, no matter how much you will it. 

Here are a few images of the Virgin and Child that I love.

I feature this one, Mother of Good Counsel, on my sidebar.  It is an ancient image, said to have been etched in the wall of a cave somewhere in the 400s, connected with miraculous healings and protection. Now it is in the care of some Augustinian nuns in Italy (I think). I just love the baby Jesus hanging on her neckline. It is just what babies do! And apparently, always have done.

This one is by Donatello. Not the ninja turtle. Again, it shows them in a sweet moment, just like any other mother and baby. I have always believed Jesus was like all babies, needing his mother all hours of the day and night, crying, spitting up on her best clothes, etc.. Not like some tiny adult in a baby costume. (ew).

 And this sketch of DaVinci. Apparently the Joseph and Mary household had a cat. Love it.



Don't forget to thank Mary this Christmas! She had that special grace, it's true. But Joseph didn't (poor guy! the only sinner in the house!) And Jesus still probably had ear infections and runny noses from time to time. And didn't want his mashed peas, or whatever they mashed back then for their babies. But I still like this image, even though it is less the human and more the divine.

 Have a wonderful, blessed, happy and holy Christmas! 

Kelly

 

There is only one answer.

Prayers for all the grieving families in Connecticut.

And hug your kids a little tighter.

I just heard Rudy Giuliani say we have to find better answers.

There is only one answer.

And that answer is a someone, Jesus Christ.

How his mother must grieve with understanding of what it is like to have your child suffer and die.

Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us!

Fun and True Facts about Santy Claus

In the interest of honest and accurate branding, I should probably re-title my blog The One Post per Holiday or Other Event-Blog. The really annoying thing is that I had so many great (I thought) ideas for pithy, informative and HI-larious posts. Trust me on that one. But, since I am trying to reform my undisciplined ways and get to daily mass more, of which I am this moment in danger of being late, instead of the pithy, etc post, I will share SOMEONE ELSE's pithy, informative and HI-larious post (you do know there was a Pope Hilarious, don't you? there is my P.I and H fact for today).

 I hope to find a niche in my daily whirlwind to come back and share my own polished stream of consciousness writing some other fine day.


For now, go read this:

Happy Thanksgiving!

Here is Malaika dressed as Kateri Tekakwitha -- back when she was Blessed Kateri -- now St. Kateri.

Hope everyone has a blessed Thanksgiving!

Kelly

+JMJ+

7 quick disjointed takes in which the Blessed Mother makes an appearance

1.  Thanks to an incredibly lovely friend who hand delivered this book when the US mail couldn't--I am now doing the Marian Consecration with it.







It is proving to be a huge blessing. In the introduction, there is this:

 "...God is offering the people of our time a powerful and effective way to become great saints, and it's not because we're so good. Rather, it's because our times are so perilous, and God wants his mercy to triumph through Mary. So, he gives us poor, sinful souls an amazing gift -- what St. Louis calls a little known "secret":

             Poor children of Mary, your weakness is extreme, your inconstancy is great, your inward nature is very much corrupted. You are drawn (I grant it) from the same corrupt mass as all the children of Adam and Eve. Yet do not be discouraged because of that. Console yourselves and exult in having the secret which I will teach you -- a secret unknown to almost all Christians, even the most devout."

I don't know about you, but as life goes on, I am more and more aware that I am not so good, and do not have the ability within myself to become so. All help accepted.

2. I am currently on Day Eight, on which begins the section on Maximillian Kolbe. Today began a little sketch of his life. This story is included:

"...Raymond Kolbe, who in 1894 was born into a poor, Polish farming family. And from the beginning, one wouldn't have guessed he'd eventually become a great saint. In fact, one day, his mother was so frustrated with his behavior that she yelled at him in exasperation: 'Raymond, what will become of you?!' This shook the boy to the core. Filled with grief, he immediately turned to the Mother of God, asking her, 'What will become of me?'  Then he went to a church and repeated his question. The future saint recounted what happened next:

Then the Virgin Mother appeared to me holding in her hands two crowns, one white and one red. She looked at me with love and she asked me if I would like to have them. The white meant that I would remain pure and the red that I would be a martyr.

 I answered yes, I wanted them. Then the Virgin looked at me tenderly and disappeared."

If you dare to ask God direct questions and are open to His answer, whatever it may be, buckle your seatbelt. Just a heads up.

3. I occasionally like to remind myself and my dear readers why I write this blog. It is to tell my story of continuing conversion to Christ and what happened along the way. I greatly suspect there are many who can relate and who may need to hear that they are Loved by the Creator of the universe even though they may have not led an exemplary life in the past or the present. I am here to say that it is never too late to take one tiny step toward God and humbly admit the need of His help. He then takes many giant, running strides toward the penitent and proceeds to fill them with His love. That's how He rolls. (hint--story of the prodigal son...)

Another reason I blog is to witness to life and tell my story of having aborted my first child.Contrary to the popular myth of our time, this is not a healthy choice made by an enlightened modern woman who then trips merrily along with the rest of her enlightened life. Any honest woman will attest to this.

4. Lately, I have been remembering this book that I read some time ago. Most especially how God cannot be outdone in generosity, and then as I was reading the book in #1 above, I read that the Blessed Mother cannot be outdone in generosity. hmmmm---think God is sending me some kind of message? Not sure -- but if I am clobbered with a sledgehammer for being so dense I will blog about it from the ER.



5.

People I love and miss. You too, Jeff! I just really like this picture :)

6. Politics in a nutshell. Going to Hell in a handbasket. Next!

7.  Seriously--hope each and  every person who reads here has a blessed Thanksgiving! I will try to remember to take pictures and post them. Last year, we mostly looked like a gathering of the comatose. We'll try to look a little more lively this time. Maybe do photos before dinner. Anyways! I would love to see photos of some of your Thanksgiving gatherings! 

~God Bless You~

Kelly

+JMJ+