7 not remotely quick, getting-reaquainted-again-dear-blog, takes.

Well! Here I am to wade back in to the blogging-water! Goodness, what a few months it has been. Still is being. But I have a bunch of seeds bouncing around in my brain, wanting to come out in writing. I will try not to produce a disjointed alphabet soup, but no promises.

1. Christmas.

  This year, we agreed amongst ourselves that we would cut down on gift spending. We did pollyannas, with the idea of a dollar limit so each person would get one nice gift. Smaller or handmade gifts were not regulated. So, of course a few people went over the limit. Way over. Bob took my list of three suggestions and rather than choosing one, got all three. One being a Kindle Fire, which is now attached to my hand during almost all waking hours. I try to channel it for good. I loaded on a Bible and the Roman Breviary. Hoping Lent provides me with the discipline to read them both daily. Maybe discipline should have been on my list of three, rather than those dressy shoe-boots.

2. The Jesus Retreat-

-Held at picturesque Black Rock Retreat, In Lancaster, Pennsylvania, on a snowy weekend in early January. Beside the obvious spiritual refreshment, it is, for Bob and I, a little breather away from the daily grind and from the city. If you have never been to a Charismatic function, I will tell you that there exists an expectation of an outpouring of the Holy Spirit; which is undoubtedly always there, but looked for in certain ways. This year, the way was a quiet one, very gentle. Thankfully, the spiritual maturity of the priests and leaders allowed for this, and there was no pushing, forcing or cajoling. My exposure to Charismatic prayer is limited to once a year, at the Jesus Retreat, and to private prayer. So when I had a few images appear in my mind, I did not recognize them as significant, other than maybe just for myself. I will share them here to give you foundation for what was to come after.

1. We had listened to a talk on the history of the Charismatic movement, the love of God, and the holiness of God. During silent prayer and the quiet singing of worship songs, I mentally saw this image:
My own arm vigorously throwing, in a wide arc, everything I was emotionally carrying, before the Cross of Christ on Calvary. I felt the huge effort expended, and knew that it included everything. All the guilt, real and imagined, all the worry and fear, and all the accumulated stress from my whole life -- heaved on to the ground before the dying Jesus.

Later, when Fr. Kevin was encouraging us to press into the Lord, to persevere in seeking Him in prayer, I saw myself doing the exact same motion as above, with the same hand. Only the arcing movement, this time, was opening the door of my heart, to receive the love of Jesus. I have referred to this image before, the heart of the Blessed Mother that St. John Vianney constructed, in which he physically placed the prayers of his congregation. My own heart was something like that, with a little door.




I also felt a parent-y kind of love while looking around at all the people there. If you are a parent, you know this. How the jeans crinkle at the back of someone's knees, how they wear their scarf, the way their feet turn out or in when they stand. The back of their neck. All these things bring a swell of love, and I felt that this was how God was looking at all of us, myself included. At nothing remarkable we had done, nothing especially artful or that we were trying to accomplish. Just the small details that made us who we were at that moment.


  I have learned over the years about the way God sometimes communicates with us. The textbook way to state it is that He never contradicts his nature. That is to say, that if an impression, prophecy or bit of knowledge does not jive with what we know to be true about God, from scripture or Church teaching, it is not His doing. Going in to the Jesus Retreat this year, I had been struggling with old guilt. It was eating me alive. I felt crushed, weighed down, discouraged. (You may remember my not- so- textbook confession from a previous post). This, I knew, did not have the quality that true contrition for sin has. When God corrects, it is not a heavy burden. It is an invitation to the opposite, a realization that there is a great opportunity for freedom from that sin. Yes, there can be a heaviness on the conscience, necessary to prompt us to action, but there is not a condemning quality to it.

Matthew 11:29-30

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

 During one of the prayer times, I became aware of an opening to meet with one of the seasoned prayer teams for a session of what is called "Unbound" prayer. It is just what it sounds like, prayer to help release a person from anything that may be burdening, binding, or holding them back. I spoke of this guilt I had been carrying around, and was recommended to receive this prayer with a team of two women. Now, I am no stranger to this form of prayer. Years ago, I took a course in healing prayer, and more recently, read the book Unbound. I was a little nervous, but they were extremely down to earth, gentle, and so clearly knowledgeable about the process, I was put at ease. Also very non-dramatic, which helped a great deal. God doesn't need us to glam up the works. We proceeded to very deliberately go through the events of my life. And I do mean my_life_. How patient they were! 
   
I will spare you the details, because, really, it was not exciting to the observer. But, on the inside, I know something was accomplished. Not because I came away looking or even feeling different. It's just that I know I threw that stuff at the feet of Jesus, and opened my heart anew to let him in to the deepest parts. And that He still looks at me, with all my idiosyncrasies, like a parent looks at their child, with love. I know I have been freed, because I asked to be so, and He does not give me a stone when I ask for bread.

3. The Pope and the "Charismatics."

I stumbled across this article on facebook one day. I read the comments there before clicking through to the article. I really wondered if we all read the same article. There was condescension and outright condemnation of people that are part of the Charismatic movement. The article is quite the opposite.
I was not about to jump into any sort of online comment war. But, here is how I see it.

1. I am not an immature Catholic.
2. I love and attend the Traditional Latin Mass as much as I can. I do not try to integrate any charismatic anything into it.
3. When I attend the Novus Ordo, I also do not hold hands, raise my hands in the orans posture, or anything else charismatic-y. I don't even silently pray in tongues.
4. The ONLY time I pursue activities of a charismatic nature is a). in private prayer; b). at a prayer meeting or worship session. Sometimes with the blessed sacrament present. Every time with a trusted priest leading. Always with order, sobriety, reverence.

All the Charismatic Catholics I know operate this way. Sure, I guess you could find examples of those that act otherwise.

It was just galling to read comments that directly opposed what Pope Francis said.
Okay. Now I feel better.

4. Owies.

     I have a pinched nerve and the beginnings of arthritis in my neck. Going to a good chiropractor. But I've found it has it's benefits.. Turn my head the wrong way while railing at a bad driver on the road? oops! Offer up my neck pain for that one! Praying for kids? Offer that last crunchy neck twinge! It's like a portable sacrifice.

5. New Yawk.

So, Bob's piano teacher, Josh Wright, played a dual concert with Mary Anne Huntsman last Thursday, at Carnegie Hall. Josh is getting his doctorate at U of M in Ann Arbor, Michigan, and lives in Salt Lake City, Utah. So Bob's lessons are done via Skype. Going to see Josh play at Carnegie Hall was a nice chance for them to meet, and of course, an exciting thing just for us to do.  Josh and Mary Anne have known each other since childhood. She said this onstage, by way of introduction. They grew up together. So okay, I took that in.
Concert happens. She is very good. Her bio states she has played for White House functions and foreign dignitaries. She teaches in China. Also, she is extremely glamorous. Gown-change, hair- style-change-at -intermission-glamorous. I am telling you about her, because while we watched the concert, something was bouncing around in my brain, trying to tell me something. I really wasn't listening. 

Josh played SO well. His playing stole the show. He is a good looking young man of 26. (He kept the same suit and hairstyle the entire time). He played exquisitely. He was so engaged with the music he was making, that we couldn't help be captivated, too.
Intermission. We stretch our legs. Use the restrooms. Upon coming out, This is who I think I see standing two feet in front of me.

I don't want to stare, and Bob isn't sure. The concert is an outreach to students, and it doesn't seem likely.
Okay. Second half of the concert. Something is still needling me; something familiar. Ms.Huntsman comes out in gown #2 and a change to the hairstyle. Huntsman. Grew up with Josh. Josh is Morman. Utah. Huntsman. Could it be? Some connection with that Huntsman. Mormon, from Utah? Nah!
Although...she is a polished, world-traveling, White House-performing, comfortable in the spotlight sort of girl...

So. Yes. She is the daughter of former Governor Jon Huntsman. Former Presidential hopeful Huntsman. Former Ambassador to China Huntsman. AND. She at some point dated Josh Groban. They are still friendly, and like to "support"one another at performances.

Josh and Josh

Bob and I were told to Get Out after the concert, while we tried just to get a message back to (our) Josh. No dice.Ushered out quickly and unceremoniously Not a huge deal, but the staff in Philly, thank you for treating us like we are special.


Next morning, we had a lovely breakfast with Josh and his wife Lindsey. Both just the nicest.

Bob and Josh.

I did not get really any pictures of my own in New York. My bad. It was very chaotic, and slightly overwhelming. And so, so cold while were outside, that I couldn't bring myself to take off my gloves and dig out my Kindle. 

6. Josh Wright

So you can see how creative and talented he is, here is a video Josh made. He got a lot of negative comments about the destruction of the piano. Makes me scratch my head--do these people not watch any TV or movies where lots of things are destroyed, including PEOPLE, and did they not see that the piano in question was barely being held together with some dental floss to begin with?

We think he is a rising star and wish him all the best. His wife is also a player/teacher of piano, super accomplished in her own right. Imagine the children of these two someday!

7. The Way

My new drug of choice Kindle also has Netflix on it. Father McDermott, who also blessed us with his teaching at The Jesus Retreat, spoke of walking the Camino. He carried the movie, The Way with him to lunch. Intrigued, a few days ago, I saw that it was on Netflix, and watched it. I really liked it, and stayed up way too late looking up "El Camino de Santiago." Thinking it would be a really neat thing to do. It's not remotely practical, but I'm not one to rule out something just because it seems unlikely. Or impossible.

 So, who's in?

just keep swimming.

I know the storm will eventually die down. I know I am in the palm of His hand, as are all my family members as I have asked Mary to keep us all there. I know nothing has befallen us except that which is common to man, so I am not alone in this particular trouble. I also know that in the midst of great suffering lies great grace.

So, my prayer for today is to apprehend that grace and put it to full use.


And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
Romans 5:4

At the Jesus Retreat, we heard a homily that explained how it is not guesswork when we have hope in Jesus, because He has proven Himself faithful already. Not like hoping for good weather or a winning lottery ticket. A good word for my present trouble.

I dearly want to resume blogging about topics other than my current struggles. I can't really spell it out online, as cathartic as it may be for me, it would be very anti-HIPPA. As well as not kind or proper for me to air details of someone else's difficulties.

So, on that note. Or this one,

                                                                                    

                                                               I leave you for now.

Peace, 

Kelly

In which I ruminate. A bit.

As a bit of a follow-up to yesterday's "Why-I'm-Not-Posting-post," I would like to add this tidbit:

If I was observing my life and my reaction to it with some objectivity, I would have to say that although I am having moments, hours, yes, even days of overwhelming anxiety, this state is not controlling me. I am somehow able to acknowledge these feelings and still carry on. Still laugh, clean the house, entertain, play Candy Crush, bake Christmas cookies, and shop. Definitely shop. But that's another story. Still, there are things I am having trouble doing, and things I cannot do. My brain, some days, is as functional as scrambled eggs. Still, I notice a difference from the Rough Days of the past and those of the present.

I can only give credit to God's grace

, and to my family, for being understanding and supportive. It is quite touching, really. Part of it, I think is just age and experience. And an understanding that anxiety, itself, has a tendency to amplify and distort a situation that will likely change on its own, without any help from me. It is helpful to remember Ecclesiastes, that there is "nothing new under the sun."

 Adding to my distress, is the responsibility I bear for it. Which I recently took to confession, and rightly or wrongly, was basically told I did not make a good confession. That's what I get for going to a different confessor, I guess. My usual one has context. Oh well. I received grace, whether or not I made a textbook confession, my intention was good.

Lastly, in this rambling gathering of words on a page, is that Bob and I are blessed to be going to the Jesus Retreat again this year. Any inclined to do so, please keep us in your prayers, that we come away with more of Him and less of us.

God Bless you, and best wishes for a happy, healthy new year!

Dear Blog,


I have not abandoned you. Nor am I on vacation. Just going through a bit of a rough time. Be back soon. I do miss you.


AMFL, Kelly

7 quick thankful takes; a photo-palooza

Well, it was all worth it! We enjoyed every minute.




1. As soon as they arrived, Kaden sat right down and took out his toys.

2. Monday evening we had a mini-surprise-birthday-party for Kaden. I made my somewhat famous chili for dinner. Afterward, Meghann took Kaden to the upstairs bathroom. (Cause what little boy doesn't have to go)? while we got things ready. The kitty decided to play his Under-the-Door-Swatting-at-Whatever-is-There game with them. Which seemed like a fun way to keep Kaden busy while we lit the candles on his cake -- except that Kaden's finger was the thing that got swatted. And scratched. Then he wanted Meghann to "tell on" Tumnus (the kitty) to Nonnie, (me). By the time he came downstairs he had indignant tears in his eyes, waiting for his mama to tattle. Instead, we all jumped out and yelled, "surprise!"


*--we are having trouble getting the pictures and video of this part from Malaika's phone--I will update ASAP--*


 But later, his surprise party, my favorite from scratch chocolate cake, and a few gifts, turned out to be one of the things he was thankful for.

3. After that, Kaden hung out playing games and putting together his new Legos with Uncle Ben, while Bob and I, Jeff and Meghann went out.

This one is a little blurry--but Uncle Ben became a quick favorite.

First, we went to Paddy's Pub. The show, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, a favorite of Jeff and Meghann, and is based on this bar. Not fancy, but we had fun.


Then, four cold and windy blocks to The Plough and the Stars. We walked because I did not want to lose my parking space. We passed several along the way...whoops.

The place was gorgeous! We sat right by the (real) fireplace, and ordered hot cocktails. Delicious.



















4. Tuesday, we went by Love park. They were setting up the Christmas village, but they got some nice shots. Here is one-

 

On the way to Macy's to see the decorations and visit Poppie at his office (same building), we saw this store I had never seen before.

Funny how you see things with new eyes. How did I ever miss the Funk-O-Mart?

Then we went in Macy's. We got to hear and see the organ, and look around at the decorations. The light show didn't begin till Friday, but we looked up at the big tree and I told Kaden how I used to take his mama to see the light show. 

If you squint just right, you can see the organ to the left of the tree. It is like a gated-in room, but you can watch the organist on a screen. Behind the tree is where the light show takes place.

 We didn't take any pictures in Bob's office. By then, Kaden was hungry and wanted to try out one of the city's hot dog carts. Turned out to be a good choice! Yummy.

5. Then--getting ready for The Day. We were having our feast on Wednesday, as they had to be back for poor Jeff to work on Black Friday. Here are some shots of the preparations:

 

 Here is Corrie working on one of our appetizers, and I had just asked Jeff to go out back and get the turkey out of the brine, with a semi-lengthy explanation of how.  I sent him out with an aluminum pan, which he then brought in, empty. I just looked at him with kind of an alarmed expression. He said, "Oh, did you want the turkey?"

 There was also a Jenga tournament happening in the living room.

Here is Kaden making a turkey craft.

nothing like kid-crafts

 

 

Always so nice to see Daniel!

Loved having everyone here.

6. The meal.

Every year, I forget something. Chiefly, the rolls. Since they are put in last while we get everything to the table, they have been forgotten until someone smelled the burning. This year, we remarked on how smoothly things went.  The stuffing was not dry, nor the turkey, the mashed potatoes were perfect thanks to Rachael, and the roasted veggies all got done. Dessert was lovely, the custard set, the pumpkin pie delicious, even though I forgot the butter, and Daniel brought two yummy pies. Then,  Melissa went to work on the dishes. I came into the kitchen to find her doubled over, hands on her knees, making funny sounds. Like she couldn't catch her breath. She seemed to be pointing towards the oven.

Then I looked. The rolls. Again! Arrgh. I am roll-impaired! The only reason they didn't burn was that I had turned off the oven.

Funnier than anything.

After dinner, we played Scattergories and Apples to Apples, and tried out the chocolate wine.

Word to the wise. Don't. Or at least chill it to death.

All partied out.





















7. The next day--Meghann and Jeff have to leave--:(

 Kaden putting on a brave face, but he was pretty sad. (we all were!) The plane ride helped him have a fun thing to focus on.

                  He's becoming a pro at traveling.





Pretzel in the airport.

When the dishes were all washed and stacked on the dining room table, I decided to take one more picture. See the cute, vegetable-shaped dishes Meghann gave us? Also, the hand made pottery my mother collected, and we only bring out for Thanksgiving.

Ahh, what a serene scene full of lovely memories.

                                               

                                                  But wait-- what is that shadow?

                           Always, and I mean always, right in the middle of whatever we are doing.

 

 Hope everyone had a happy and healthy Thanksgiving, and that you were as blessed as we were to spend it with the people we love the most.

Next--Advent! Now where is that wreath? And I need candles!

4 cleaning takes + 2 cat takes + 1 super serious take = 7 quick This-is-what-lives-inside-my-head takes

1.  I have not been posting here because, insanity.  All for a good cause, namely; Thanksgiving with ALL the kids and family here. So excited! So much to do! So many lists!




2. I think I am a clean-house-person until someone is coming for a visit and is going to see every inch of my house. Then I realized I am a sloth who lives in squalor.

3. Anybody else out there wake up on the day you have invited guests over and see your house with a completely new set of eyes? And wonder how you never saw it before? 

4.  If I actually had prizes to give, I would post a contest for you to guess how many layers of slime accumulate on a kitchen ceiling fan in a year. It took me a number of neck-twisting, arm-aching hours to find out. While perched on a ladder.

5. The cat now loves the ladder.

6. I am hoping our dear feline adolescent does not intend to perform any of his teenage gross out stunts while my guests are here. Eating.

As in:

Using the BRAND NEW living room rug with its simultaneously soft and yet scrubby texture to do the butt wipe shuffle.

Using his litter box at all. It is in our dining room.

(Let me explain. He is a very hunter-y kitty. Which is excellent. Until he finds ANY unrecognizable object. Which he proceeds to sniff (nose must make contact).[I mean ANY object. Not excluding the lip of your drinking glass]. And then, if he deems that further research is needed on the object, he eats it. So putting his box in the basement, where most cat owners place theirs, is out of the question. You would need to see our basement, but then you would nod your head and say, "Oh, I see.")

I will provide pictures of the kitty (being cute, not the other stuff) and of our Epic Thanksgiving.

7. And now, for the serious portion of this post.  While all the nutty stuff happening here in our country grabs headline after headline; including the crack-using Canadian mayor; Christians are being slaughtered overseas. You may have seen that on November 3rd, Kim Jung Un brutally executed 80 people, reportedly for owning Bibles and watching South Korean TV dramas. I only saw this news mentioned online. It may have been reported in other places, but it wasn't a headline.
Here is just one article about the killing of Christians in the Middle East.

A fellow blogger recently took it upon himself to write to Cardinal Dolan and express his outrage and concern over the lack of attention and action these killings have received. You can read it here.

Please pray for these poor people. There have been a MILLION martyred in the first years of the twenty first century. They are our brothers and sisters. I ask those who have already paid the price of martyrdom to pray for this world and those who face religious persecution.

 Thank you

 +JMJ+

Kelly